Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Debt and moving in together(27 Posts)
I am not too sure whether to post this in this section or money, so if I am posting this in the wrong section please let me know.
I have been seeing my partner now for 5/6months, he is 48, myself 40. No children on either side. He has been married twice, myself not. I live on my own, own house, car and work for myself and secure in my job, bills paid for and independent in that sense. My partner in his job 20 years and its very secure too.
Now, my partner when divorced last year didnt secure his deposit for his house with his ex wife, so lost that, then split their house and made £40k, but couldn't afford to buy a house himself so had a shared ownership, government scheme taken out to help, even though he had a deposit but also had to owe his parents £10k in the process from the divorce too.
He earns good money, but he has 2 cards in debt, a car he spent £13k on (porsche) to do some work on but his car wasn't even worth that when he bought it 5 years ago and lost a great deal from it..
He wanted to move in with me, both suggestions in Jan 2016, but he cant rent his place out because its shared with the government, plus he wanted to contribute to food only when living with me but I felt this wasn't enough. (hope that didnt sound unfair).
I have become, over the years, quite strict with money, because I was with someone many years ago who took advantage of my kind nature, he was more of a gambler in that sense and I was so stressed I ended up resenting him and left him. I really worry about security more since that relationship and have worked hard to get where I am now. My partner now as lovely as he is, feels to me more like a child not taking responsibility and his dad even admits this to or gives him a grilling at times.
We have now agreed to live separately and see what happens. I won't move in with anymore, more so buy unless he is on the same page as me responsibility wise. He wants to marry too, I have now declined in this area because I feel we aren't on the same page related to money and he just wants to get married when I think live with someone see how that goes and off you go, why get married again a third time? he says it makes him more secure or the relationship, personally i am not sure about that.
So do you think I am being overly sensible here, its like I have become very black and white in my thinking.
i have come from a very secure background with my family and take on full responsibility for many things. I thought he was the same when in fact each month I keep getting more and more worried or frustrated as now he has just had to fork out £2000 for his porsche and his dad said, you need to sell it, that to me is obvious but put him in a mood as this was his happiness now screwed. I think, practical cant afford it, wasted £13k on a new engine and everything else but has now come to terms with changing his car.
He is 48. I am still thinking of family perhaps in 2 years max, my other worry is mortgages as its harder once you are older if we bought together.
I would like to move next year to a 3/4 bed because of my business, but I am thinking now its best to move on my own rather than take a risk as i could afford separately.
So any advice as I feel I am being very strict here?
thank you so much...
worried one over here....
I would be thinking the same as you.
Don't let him move in. Don't marry him. For the love of mince pies don't have a baby with him.
The debt and meanness and different lifestyle will drag you down. And that's putting it mildly.
I'm sorry that you haven't found the right bloke yet. But best to realise it now rather than have your heart and bank account broken in a couple of years and be tied to him for a long, long time while he messes with your head and you lose your autonomy.
God no OP your head is firmly screwed on. Trust all of your instincts man!
You are being eminently sensible, as far as I can see.
You don't have similar approaches to money, you are in a new relationship, the changes he suggests will benefit him more than they will you, you won't necessarily gain anything from living together, marrying him and hoping for "third time lucky" probably isn't what you have ever dreamed of!
And lots of other reasons.
The main reason would be because you don't want to. Something about the inequity of the setup is stopping you from committing, so don't. And if you want kids then maybe he isn't the right person for you, full stop.
I hope you can work it out for your own good. After such a short time you owe him nothing and should not be having such negative thoughts, if this were your forever relationship. OK, you may have t make some compromises, but, from what you have posted, you clearly feel far too unnerved by his financial behaviour.
Sounds like you have your head screwed on right, gal. He's got through 2 marriages already, and maybe you're seeing the reasons why - incidentally, what do you/he mean 'he didn't secure deposit on marital home' - how can you be sure he's not spinning you a line there?
Such different approaches to money does not bode well - you're once bitten twice shy, heed your instincts and steer clear of financial commitment including marriage.
Will you really consider having children with him?!
You've been seeing him less than 6 months and he's already suggested he moves in? RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Sorry - but I think from the sounds of it moving in or buying with this man would be a disaster - let along starting a family with him, and I think you know this which is why you're resisting it.
You appear to have very different attitudes to money and spending - and I don't see them changing given your ages. I think it's very difficult to build a life together on that basis - would you feel you would need to monitor the household spend? You also describe him as acting like a child - he is 48 so I think if he was ever going to grow up, he would have done by now.
If you get married, and he runs up debts, you could be putting everything you've worked for at risk.
Any ideas why his previous marriages failed?
Also, if you want kids, you need to decide if there is any future here. If not, you need to end it to give yourself the maximum opportunity to meet someone else and start a family with them.
his last marriage ended because, she bullied him and wanted more money and he ended up racking up debts up to £12k on his credit cards apparently only for them to move 3/4 times in 9 years....complicated I know, but knew he didnt want to marry her when the 2nd year started....so why continue was my question to him??
So I just feel like he is impulsive and why marry me so quickly is my question? - would he gain more if he did?
I have no intensions of doing anything of the sort, i sound terrible I know but I am boring and too sensible at times since reaching 40 that is true.
hmmm his first marriage failed after 19 years because they had out grown one another. It was the last one that did him over and ended up not talking to his family over it also.
I don't think I could ever be like that, so that is why I am sitting here not wanting to do anything....
Two marriages failed and he wants to get married again within 5/6 months of meeting you? This alone would make me want to know why.
Money wise I agree with you, he sounds like a child when it comes to money.
Personally I would probably move on to someone more on my wavelength.
You've only been together a few months, I personally wouldn't have even considered having the moving-in talk for a long while.
What's he like with money when you are together i.e. does he put his hand in is pocket?
Don't waste any more time on this man. He might be nice, but he's not the one for you.
You are being really sensible about money. He sounds really dodgy, on the other hand. Who drives a Porsche when they're broke, apart from men who are all show? And he had the nerve to say he just wanted to pay for food, ie you pay for all the bills? Cheeky cocklodger.
You sound great, really sorted. Move on from this man and find someone lovely with whom you can have a family.
KinkyAfro.....he buys me dinner, we take it in turns. Our first date he let me pay half, I wasn't sure on that one at the start interestingly enough.
He does pay his way, but lets me pay too so its kind of 50/50 but I have noticed not always he says thanks and hope he doesnt take me for granted when I do. I have let him borrow my car as his was in the garage getting this £2k job done at the moment but he did put petrol in for me, however at times when there are people around he isn't always up at the bar rushing to buy more drinks, one is enough so mmmm....
hard to say at the moment. He was trying to pay off his credit card bills ,but then ends up buying clothes and is back to square one because of these spends. Everything I am seeing is done on impulse I feel hence my worry regarding money.
does that make sense?
Don't let him move in with you.
Don't lend him any money.
Don't have a baby with him.
Don't get financially involved with him.
If fact, why get involved with him at all? You are a good catch for him but is he a good catch for you?
ALaughAMinute, thank you, I have just asked myself this question at the weekend funnily enough.
This man has 'cocklodger' written all over him. Run for the hills. Do NOT have a child with him. Have one on your own rather than be shackled to an manchild like this for life. And I'd do it now.
'He wanted to move in with me, both suggestions in Jan 2016, but he cant rent his place out because its shared with the government, plus he wanted to contribute to food only when living with me but I felt this wasn't enough. (hope that didnt sound unfair).' No, it's not enough, it's cocklodging.
Do you get the feeling everything's for show with this man?
ImperialBlether, you know i never thought of things like that until I started to analyse the porsche situation as he has a fear of meeting anyone older than 50, as in he will only date someone from 35 - 45, she has to be younger than him. I am more about security than anything else, more than show. It is a security i have had since I was a child.
My brother has been married over 25 years ago to a woman with a shed of debt when she moved in.
They are still in debt - the mortgage is still not paid off, my brother has had a mortgage mow for 35 years and thinks he may have it paid off just before he retires.
Never take on someone with a debt.
Oh - they are also deeply unhappy, but this is due to being totally incompatible and not just the debt.
It's very early to be thinking about marriage and moving in together. Give it another year of dating. See how much he has cleared of his card debts and go from there. You barely know him at this point. Enjoy yourself with him, keep your sensible head on and see where it all goes.
I'm sorry to say you've found yourself another
gambler wastrel to whom money is merely a commodity to burn on impractical projects and pie in the sky schemes with no thought for the future.
You've discovered what this man is truly like and have also had confirmation from his df that his attitude to money is
crap thoroughy irresponsible.
Even if he was offering to buy all of your groceries from Fortnum's you'd be insane to let him move into your home and, after a mere 6 months, you're best advised to throw this
small fry fish back and trawl for a more financially astute prospect to enhance your life - which this wannabe cocklodger will never be able to do.
My god I wouldn't touch this man with a bargepole. He sees you as his meal ticket to try and fig himself out of debt. I'm sure when he was trying to move in with you he was thinking of all the money he might be able to save and not thinking about romantic weekend mornings waking up together.
You are not responsible in helping him get out of his financial hole. He needs to do that all by himself and then get smarter with his monthly income. Constantly throwing money at an old Porsche would deaden my libido in a heartbeat. Crazy way to live.
So, if he was to move in your bills increase, your council tax increases and he only wants to contribute to the food?!
Not enough at all.
Put yourself in a situation where your (hypothetical) daughter came home and told you this about a man she had been seeing for 6 months, what would you tell her to do?
He sounds like a total loser! Sorry. I suppose he has good sides.
How come he had a 20 year marriage and a 9 relationship (including second marriage) and has no kids? If he doesn't want them, he's not for you. It's a little odd that if he does want them, he didn't have any in two LTRs. I'd be wary if he told me he wanted kids, tbh.
The quick marriage talk is very offputting.
As is what sounds like some kind of blaming the ex wife for taking too much money in the divorce... At 48 with a stable job (and aounds like reasonably well paid?) he should have more to show for himself.
I'd run a mile.
1. 48 years old and still spending more than he can afford on a dick extension car - puts me off his personality as well as his money skills!
2. Far too quick with the talk of moving in and marriage
3. Utter piss take not wanting to pay anything but food!! Even if you decided you'd be paying your mortgage anyway - utilities?! Sod.
Join the discussion
Please login first.