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I am such a crap sister :( I feel awful

(5 Posts)
SparklyTinselTits Mon 09-Nov-15 14:19:10

Just need to get this out...

My sister got a new partner a while ago after a nasty split from my nephew's dad. He seemed alright, if a little stand-offish, but my sister seemed happy so we all went along with it (by we, I mean DM, DF, etc).
She moved herself and my nephew into his house, in a new city. And from then, I didn't see or hear from her at all, except for the odd text here and there. I have spent the last few months bitching and moaning to DH that my sister has been in the "honeymoon period" for way too long, and needs to start actually bothering with her family instead of just her new partner....
Now this is the part where I feel like the worst kind of shit:
I got a random phone call from DF this morning, telling me that he went over to the house yesterday, picked up my sister and nephew and took them home. She has left her DP, and apparently there was lots going on below the surface, and my nephew is really scared of him sad
It did cross my mind a while ago that her DP might be abusive, but every time we saw them (rarely) or spoke to my sister, she looked fine, everything seemed perfectly normal. So I put that thought to bed, under the impression that my sister is not the sort of person to stay in a crappy relationship.
Turns out I was wrong, and now the guilt is eating me up inside because I feel like I should have done something when I first has the inkling about possible abuse, and because I bitched and moaned about her being selfish sad
Am I a really horrible person? Because I feel like one!

Walkacrossthesand Mon 09-Nov-15 14:32:29

You're not horrible, because you're feeling terrible now about how you misjudged the situation. Was your sister 'glowing' about her partner (leading to the 'honeymoon' remarks) or was that your assumption?
She doesn't need to know what you were thinking BTW - you now have a chance to try again with a more 'keep an open mind & see things from others' point of view' approach. Think of it as a growth point! I hope things work out ok for your sis.

SparklyTinselTits Mon 09-Nov-15 14:40:35

She was totally smitten with him! And my nephew seemed to really love him too...seems to be over the last few months that things have gone to shit for them sad I just feel so bad for her because my nephews dad was a complete waster, and now she's ended up with another one who turned out to be a shit as well. She deserves so much better. I feel helpless, like I really want to wave a magic wand and make life a hell of a lot better for her!

goddessofsmallthings Mon 09-Nov-15 15:06:15

You're not a 'really horrible person'. You are a very human person who buried your 'inkling about possible abuse' in order to buy into thoughts of your dsis living the dream rather than being caught up in a nightmare and it seems that, in this, you were encouraged by her demeanour when you saw/spoke to her to believe that all was well with her and dn.

The fact is that your dsis has left what would seem to have been a grossly abusive relationship at a time of her choosing and it's unikely that, had you voiced your doubts about her now ex p to her, she would done so any earlier. Indeed, any well-intentioned concern from her family members may have caused her to stay longer or engendered more unpleasantness from him.

After you've heard your dsis's story firsthand and given the appropriate reassurances that you'll always 'be there' for her, and offered whatever practical help you can to get her and dn through their abrupt change of circumstances and the events which led to it, you'll be able to discuss what you've written here with her as it's not uncommon to allow our hopes for the best for others to blind us to less positive outcomes.

Waving a magic wand is unlikely to change your dsis's life for the better, but encouraging her to do the Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php or online www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php may go some way to transform her life, as will reading some of the books about abusers/abusive relationships that are frequently recommend on this board, and it could be that counselling will improve her chances of being 'third time lucky' in her choice of long term bfs/dps.

How old is your dn? It's to be hoped that he's able to process what has taken place in an age-appropriate manner and that he doesn't blame himself in any way as dc often hold themselves responsible for the behaviour of their dps/significant other adults in their lives.

SparklyTinselTits Mon 09-Nov-15 15:19:07

Thanks goddess...Luckily our parents are in a position to give her a place to live, financial security, and all of her friends are nearby, she didn't have any friends, support or family close by when she lived with her DP. So that gives me peace of mind, knowing that my parents are there for her and DN. Wish I lived closer!!
DN is 4, and as awful as it sounds, due to the situation with his dad, he has been pushed from pillar to post all of his life...so this is nothing out of the ordinary for him really. From talking to him on the phone earlier, he just seems delighted to be having lots of sleepovers with Nanny and Grandad bless him sad

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