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It won't get better for ages, will it?

(12 Posts)
wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 11:51:19

Hi, I've a few threads about my situation - different variances but essentially the same introduction. Been seperated from my DH for 12 weeks after 24 years of marriage. We hadn't been getting on very well for a couple of years and yep, he left me for a woman at work and moved straight in with her three children (all under 10). Myself and DD (8) are doing OK really under the circumstances. She hasn't gone there and nor will she for a while as I don't believe the time is yet right.

It's just every time I start to feel better, I turn a corner and wham! Another hurdle. Everyone gets involved and thats perhaps my fault as I talk too much and react. This morning he had a real go at our daughter and then told me that I need to sort her manners out! Also, I've found out that he's changing his car for a much bigger one to transport all the children. Just silly things but they really hurt. And I still feel so much "hold" from him, that I can't handle him being angry/annoyed etc with me. I can't stop churning around all the lies that must have happened over the Summer and how stupid I was - I couldn't sleep last night as I just going over it. I want to be angry but its almost like I can't be because I'm so worried about how he'll view me. How do I get over him choosing her over me and being so happy?! Shallow and prehistoric but I find it so hard.

This is only the beginning isnt it? We haven't even started talking about selling the house yet. I'm so confused and my head hurts.

wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 15:37:40

********** UPDATE ****************

As bad luck would have it, he's just emailed me to see if he can introduce OW to DD. No other children involved, just the three of them. Its put me in a total spin. I emailed back to ask him it's serious between them - he said "yes". Any advice please? Also, have any of you ever met the OW and built a relationship? Do I need to?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 09-Nov-15 15:41:18

I think it does get better, in time. But for now, it's horrible (been there). I don't know if you have to build a relationship with OW, certainly not at this stage. Does DD want to meet up with him and his new 'friend?'

wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 15:44:14

She says not. I'm not sure she totally understands though bless her.

pocketsaviour Mon 09-Nov-15 15:45:06

You don't have to build a relationship with her but presuming they stay together, she's going to have a fair amount of contact with DD, so it's best to be on good terms if you can.

An old rule of thumb I was told is "it'll take you twice as long in months as the relationship was in years to feel over it". So if you were together 6 years it'll take 12 months to feel like you've moved on.

Everyone is different though and I think I take longer than average myself to really be in a place where I'm ready to date again . I left my H after 5 years but it was 2 years before I wanted to even think about meeting anyone else.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 09-Nov-15 15:54:13

Ok. When similar(ish) happened to me, DD didn't want to meet up with her DF for a while. I respected that, and eventually she did, and I facilitated it. She was a bit older though. I think maybe leave it until she wants to see him? Eventually she will probably need to meet OW if she is meeting him. IIRC the courts regard about 3 months as being an appropriate time for them to have a relationship for the purposes of meeting her, if it comes to that. Hopefully you will be able to negotiate between yourselves.

wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 16:18:31

Thank you for your advice. Crikey - 26 years - looks like I might be dead before I get over this....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Mon 09-Nov-15 16:24:17

I wouldn't say I'm over it (4yrs down the line) but I'm certainly much better, with a good life. I wouldn't have his sorry a**e back either. It's hard, but have faith flowers

wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 16:42:26

Thanks. I know thats what everyone says, but boy - being left for another woman is soooooo hard - harder than I ever imagined x

hesterton Mon 09-Nov-15 16:54:25

I feel sorry for your ex. It must be dreadful being such a stupid dick. You, on the other hand, have lots to look forward to, even if it doesn't feel like it yet.

I know it sounds weird, but his affair most probably has nothing to do with you. Not because of you, not a response to anything you did or didn't do or say. Try to detach from him, and it (and her - she is an irrelevance other than yes, it is much easier for your little girl if you can support her relationship with her dad and that woman by not being hosile or blocking ).

You weren't stupid for trusting you husband of over 20 years. He was for destroying that trust. I would rather be the one who trusted than the one who destroyed trust any day.

Each day will gradually get better. Do stuff that makes you happy. Detach from him.and depersonalisation your contact with him to mere arrangements and logistics. Don't show him your hurt. Fake happiness until one day you wake up and bam - you know what? You're happy. And you will be happy again.

wobblywingbatgirl Mon 09-Nov-15 17:05:15

Thanks all. Hesterton - you made me cry (I mean that nicely) with your lovely words. Its just sometimes I think I'm on the up and then BANG! - the shit hits all over again. And I HAVE to stop obsessing about OW and what they're doing!

springydaffs Mon 09-Nov-15 17:18:31

It's only 12 weeks! Blimey girl, it's going to take longer than that flowers

Ime (different situ) the first year was a blur - I think I was in shock. Then the next year, well, more shock. Doesn't mean you don't have a good time during those years but it's always there in the background iyswim.

It's like a bereavement imo. Not the same - of COURSE - but a similar trajectory.

Btw I'm a lot older than you and I'm coming through. The older you get the younger you realise you are. Plenty of time to get through this - but it's not going to be an overnight thing xx

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