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Do I leave or stay!

(22 Posts)
panda28 Sun 08-Nov-15 23:41:12

I really need some advice (please), I've been lurking on the forum and seen how supportive you can be.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, but this has been such a difficult and trying year. We both met at uni and he struggled with the additional attention from ladies then. Now we are working and have moved on from that part of life, we still dance around the same subjects.

He cheats, he cheats, he bloody cheats!

I thought it would stop, but even if it isn't sexual its emotional and he lies so much.

I love him, I really do and its been difficult.

Late last year, I decided I was fed up of waiting for him, sick and tired of not being enough, so I had an affair with a guy at work (ended shortly after).
He found out and was shattered, he claimed that he was ready to propose and I had ruined it. We split up, while we both tried to move on, I stayed single. He seemed single, or so I believed him. Turns out he had been dating the same girl since 2013 and gotten her pregnant!

I was shattered, they decided not to have the baby and he wanted to try again with me. We decided that we were both imperfect and would try again.
I moved back in and I was subjected to nights were he wouldn't come home and general disinterest. I feel so bad for cheating, I know there would be a penalty for this, but I'm fading fast from this. I really love him.
Last week I confronted him and asked him to leave her, he said he couldn't do it unless we moved. He said he doesn't love her.

I don't understand what is going on with him. He is struggling to leave her, why am I not good enough, why doesn't he ever pick me?

I've never loved someone like this, when its good, its amazing and when its bad, its awful.

Am I living in a fantasy land where he changes and we live happily ever after or is the relationship damaged beyond return???

PowerPantsRule Sun 08-Nov-15 23:44:33

There is a better life than this for you. There is another man out there who will not make you feel bad. This man is not right for you. He is not right for any woman.

PeppasNanna Sun 08-Nov-15 23:55:11

Yes your living a total fantasy!

This is a very unhealthy relationship. Set your bar higher. Move on. Go & have some fun & learn to love yourself before your next relationship.

Take care.

PeppasNanna Sun 08-Nov-15 23:55:16

Yes your living a total fantasy!

This is a very unhealthy relationship. Set your bar higher. Move on. Go & have some fun & learn to love yourself before your next relationship.

Take care.

AnotherEmma Sun 08-Nov-15 23:56:48

LTB and get yourself some counselling to work on your self esteem

Im0gen Sun 08-Nov-15 23:57:02

Yes you are living in a fantasy land . This will never work .

Please leave him. And get some counselling for yourself to work out why you have stayed for so long in a terrible relationship

Im0gen Sun 08-Nov-15 23:57:28

X posted with Emma !

wickedlazy Mon 09-Nov-15 00:02:42

Fantasy land. He has cheated on you over and over, gotten someone else pregnant. He doesn't sound like a bf, more like a fuck buddy you have become overly attached to.

"He is struggling to leave her" does she know about you? Is she still pregnant? Are you the ow or is she? confused

Offred Mon 09-Nov-15 00:54:02

Yes, fantasy land. Sorry sad

Get angry, he is an absolutely unspeakable bellend.

I hope his knob turns black and falls off.

panda28 Mon 09-Nov-15 10:28:10

I do sometimes wonder about me being the OW but we've been together longer. I do think I'm in need of counselling, thank you for your replies. She does know about me.

bleedingheart Mon 09-Nov-15 10:45:08

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on Mumsnet. This bloke is an out and out shit. I don't make excuses for cheating but I don't think you would have cheated if he hadn't brought you so low. Why should you be punished for it but he gets rewarded with a new OW?

He doesn't even try to hide it. He openly hurts you and puts the onus on you. He has zero motivation to change.
No, no one is perfect but, my goodness, you deserve better than this!

I strongly believe that in time you will look back and realise this wasn't love. Love doesn't make you feel shitty, love doesn't make you feel rejected and inadequate. Please believe me. You want to win him, to prove you are better than the others and that he does love you. He doesn't love you, he probably doesn't know what love is either. He likes your ego-boosting acceptance of him and you like the good parts of the relationship. There's no respect from him and any respect you had for him should be dead or dying by now.

What are you, 20-something? Get out, get counselling and stay away from men until you can see you are worth a million of people like this. You have a whole life to live, don't waste it on this shithead. flowers

panda28 Mon 09-Nov-15 21:13:49

Thank you so much, I think you've got the nail on the head! Means a lot.

Berrie1 Tue 10-Nov-15 12:23:04

This is a toxic relationship that will only drag you down even more. As another poster said, there really is a better life for you. I know it does not seem like it just now as you are in love with him, but please trust us when we say this. Years from now you will look back and say to yourself "What was I thinking?!"

Things will get worse before they get better. But the point is, things WILL get better. You should be out enjoying your life, taking in all the good things this world has to offer. You shouldn't be sitting here worrying about who he is going to pick, when he will move on to the next one, if you will ever feel loved. You DESERVE better than this. You ARE better than this. You CAN do this.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Nov-15 13:16:32

Please contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their 'Freedom Programme'
Your boundaries... well you don't seem to have any.
Red flags... well you just seem to ignore them.
The Freedom Programme can help you to set some boundaries and spot red flags.

You KNOW this is shit and you are being treated like shit. But you are the one letting it happen.
Why???? As others have said - counselling might help.

I am assuming your upbringing was similar to this. The lessons you have learnt about relationships is completely and utterly wrong on soooo many levels.
Get away from him. Stop doing the 'pick me' dance. Pick your self esteem up from the floor and walk away with your head held high.

As I often post this phrase here you go.

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

panda28 Thu 12-Nov-15 00:07:39

Thank you for your replies, I will most certainly start the programme you recommended. I've never really known what boundaries are. I've always thought that things would stop. I grew up in a single parent home and never saw a functional relationship. I'm tired of pretending to everyone that I'm okay. I'm so ashamed of the lies, what I'm going through and what I'm allowing to happen to me.

I'm starting to see all the bullshit and realise that love should sound a lot different then what comes out of this mouth. His actions should be completely different. The lies he tells are simply ludicrous. You are right I deserve more. I've moved cities to be with him and I'm currently looking for a room within a house to begin to gather myself separately.

I really do believe it will get worse before it gets better. I hadn't really realised that it was this bad, my lack of self esteem is worrying. I used to be different, confident.... It's comforting that the things I believe I deserve should be a normality. At one point he made me think I was asking for a luxury. Thank you all. star

hellsbellsmelons Thu 12-Nov-15 13:56:22

I sincerely hope it all helps you.
And I hope you keep your resolve and keep away from this dickhead!

The scales are falling from your eyes at last.
Take some time for just YOU and don't rush into any other relationships until you have done the Freedom Programme and had some counselling.

Mishaps Thu 12-Nov-15 14:00:42

Time to regain your self-respect and walk away from this man.

No doubt you think you are in love and that you can change him over time. You can't - this is the package that he is offering. If you don't like this package (and why would you?) than walk away.

A lot of women fear to do this because they think they will not find another and that any man is better than none. Get out there and develop your own interests and your own life and new relationships will appear.

Time to run! - you are not a doormat!

panda28 Thu 10-Dec-15 10:50:52

I finally left smilegrin
Just an update, thank you for inspiring faith within myself.

BigStripeyBastard Thu 10-Dec-15 10:55:40

Well done, panda. Onwards and upwards.

hefzi Thu 10-Dec-15 12:26:52

Congrats, panda!

pinkyredrose Thu 10-Dec-15 12:54:09

well done OP! Stay strong.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 10-Dec-15 13:18:47

Well done!

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