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Grumpy other half!

(2 Posts)
ClematisAlpina Sun 08-Nov-15 21:21:29

This is going to be a rather long post so apologies in advance!

I am at my wits' end with my partner, who is cold, grumpy and controlling most of the time. I have tried to sort this but cannot seem to get through to him and wondered if there was anyone else out there with the same problem who has any good ideas.

When he is happy and relaxed (which he was most of the time before i moved in with him but rarely now), he is a wonderful, loving and witty person. He is still like that when other people are around (mostly) but seems to feel he doesn't need to bother with me any more.

He moans incessantly about other people ("these people"), his aches and pains, the amount of work he has to do (he's retired but moved 2 years ago and we are still doing up the house and garden), the way I use the equipment in the kitchen (most of it is his - there wasn't space for much of mine) and his DIY tools, the amount of soap I put in the washing machine (he has only done 3 or 4 washes since I moved in nearlyl a year ago, leaving me to do most of it) and many other things that, in themselves, are petty but they are building up to drive me up the wall! I also feel nervous when he is in the room when I am doing something as I think he is about to comment negatively on whatever it is I am doing. Needless to say, this leads to accidents, which make him more irritated.

When I first saw him and his son together (his son was still living at home at the time), I took him to task over the way he spoke to him as I could see that he was driving him away. He really changed the way he spoke to him but, after I moved in, he spoke to me in much the same way and, although I have pointed this out, he only changes for a couple of days then goes back to being cold when I speak to him but still endlessly moaning.

His constant refrain is that he "doesn't have time" to do things, particularly those I suggest. He doesn't have time but this is largely because he faffs for ages before getting down to anything. Before I moved in, I suggested spending a week varnishing the 10 new doors in his house to which he relunctantly agreed. I have since suggested similar "weeks" so we can actually get things done, rather than just talking about it, but now cannot persuade him that this could be worthwhile. What he actually does is spend a lot of time on line and he gets a LOT of mail as he subscribes to every offer going, thinks its important to read them all as well as look at the interminable Facebook notifications we all get sent.

Today we were supposed to be going out together with a group of people but I couldn't face it as he was in one of his moods again so I decided to take some time to myself and stayed at home and did some gardening. I achieved a lot and felt really good but, as soon as he got home, he had a go at me about using the wrong tool to cut the garden wire (I wasn't careful enough with his stuff and cutting 3 bits of garden wire might have ruined his wire cutter). He also claimed that he had told me before which tool to use for cutting garden wire (in fact, he had had a go at me for using his tin snips - which he had insisted I use to cut chicken wire on another occastion - and I don't remember what he said after that as I was upset by him having a go at me then about something so trivial). Today, I blew up and told him I had had a much better time on my own and that he had ruined it all by coming home. He went down the pub and I feel much better being on my own. I feel that this is not how it should be.

He also drinks too much. He tried having two alcohol free days a week but that didn't last long. Recently, he tried having one alcohol free day a week but hasn't managed that for the last 3 weeks, although he has cut down considerably from when I first met him (a bottle of wine an evening to half a bottle).

Busybusybust Sun 08-Nov-15 22:08:25

So just what does he bring to your life? You'd be much better off on your own.

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