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Is this a relationship that I should continue with :/

(6 Posts)
PlainJane85 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:20:27

Hello, this could end up a long post so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it all.

My Oh and I have been together for three years, we have a Dd who is almost 2.
Both of us have struggled with our mental health for years and both of us have used cannabis as a coping mechanism.

I hit rock bottom about 4 months ago and wanted to die, I cut myself for the first time in years and I realised that I'd had enough, I went the doctors, got back on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication and am still waiting to hear back about counselling appointments. My Oh went and got tablets from the gp but he said they made him feel out of it so just stopped them and he's not Been back since. I've stopped smoking cannabis and feel so much better for it, he continues to use it daily once our Dd is in bed.

I do the vast majority of housework even though neither of us are employed and also cook dinner every night, we had a serious talk a few weeks ago about how much time and effort he puts in with our Dd, and since then he takes her out a couple of times a week to the park, and their relationship has improved.

There have been a lot of instances recently where I feel he hasn't considered me or my feelings at all and doesn't see an issue with his behaviour
I feel guilty if I miss a trip to his mum's but he never comes to see my family with me
I feel like he doesn't want to grow and develop as a person and he resents me for it on some level, like he says things like 'well don't I feel bad' before good on you to me when I achieve something.

I put my dds name down for nursery last week after numeeous attempts to talk about it with him failed, I just thought. She doesn't deserve to miss out because he isn't willing to discuss it. When I told him he said how fantastic it was and at least now we didn't have to worry about that. But clearly I was the only one worrying about it because he didn't discuss it or look at schools and nurseries online etc!

I feel a lot of quilt for feeling this way about him and want to do what's right by my daughter.

If anyone has any advice or has been in similar situations I would really appreciate your input. Thanks again

Seeyounearertime Sun 08-Nov-15 18:57:01

In this situation in would suggest deciding a few things.
1) are you happy?
2) what does he bring to your happiness?
3) if 1&2 are 'No' can you see it changing if you stay in the same situation ?
4) how will life be 1 year from now? 2 years? 5 years?

Personally I would run for the hills just for the cannabis use. Ever penny he spends on that is money taken from your DD, food out of her mouth, presents taken from under her Xmas tree etc.

springydaffs Sun 08-Nov-15 20:31:55

Cannabis has been normal for you two, 'recreational', so I wouldn't worry about people clutching pearls about it.

But the fact remains he's heavily using cannabis - every day is 'heavy use' - and he's just going to be out of it, moreorless. He just won't be thinking about nurseries, he'll be thinking about, well, nothing much.

Iiwy I would make it a condition he stops the cannabis. He is simply not present most, if not all, of the time. You're essentially not in a relationship with him, you're in a relationship with cannabis. Until recently you were both not in a relationship with one another bcs of the cannabis but now you're present and he's not. Perhaps you're beginning to see what you've been like all this time - but it suited you both bcs you were both doing it. It doesn't suit you now but it's likely he hasn't noticed anything has changed.

Hannahfftl Mon 09-Nov-15 17:31:46

Not much advice but I would say to give yourself a date by which if things haven't changed. Decisions need to be made.

Joysmum Mon 09-Nov-15 17:39:22

I'd lay it on the line and tell him that things can't continue as they are and that unless he goes back to the doctor to change his mess and stop the canabis then nothing will change and you won't continue as things are.

category12 Mon 09-Nov-15 17:48:24

It seems to me that you've decided to make positive changes in your life, and he's still static.

It may be one of those positive changes will be to split up with him, as it seems like previously you were both enabling each other, and now you've seen there's more you want out of life for you and your dd. That's a good thing.

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