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Crying at the kitchen table while ex plays monoploy with dc in the sitting room

(147 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Sun 08-Nov-15 16:27:25

I can't believe this. I have had loads of threads but in a nutshell he was a sahd/musician/writer who shagged a mutual friend in our bed while I was at work for 2.5 years. He moved out summer 2014. No divorce started yet and he still does before and after school care as well as seeing them here on a Sunday.

I have tried to get him to agree to him going home at certain times on certain days so I get a decent amount of time with them, as well as being able to work. He argues, then agrees, then doesn't stick to it, claims he forgot, we argue, he agrees etc etc. I just can't take it any more. Today he came at 9.30 am, an hour earlier than normal with no prior warning. took them out, back here since 2pm. I can't relax at home as he is here, but he can't afford a place to take the dc to. I wanted him to agree to go at about 4 every other weekend and put them to bed the other. He agreed but has now 'forgotten' this.

He asked earlier if he could take the dc to his parents for the whole weekend next week. I didn't really want it, but said yes. I then heard him arranging taking ds1 to the football at the end of Nov, on a Saturday - my day. An hour ago, I suggested seeing a mediator. He got nasty and said we would have to make it fair then, as now I get it all my own way, apparently. I then asked him to leave nowish as he will be taking the dc all weekend next week, and he got nasty and downright refused as it's not fair as I had them all day yesterday. FFs, I live here, it's not my fault he fucked everything up. He is adamant he wants nothing financial from me, but this is worse in a way. I have no power or control over anything, while he insists he is being done badly by.

I love my job but live for the weekends to spend time with the dc, but now it's ruined. He wants to be here 11 hours on a Sunday and I just can't stand it. I feel so sick and shaky and can't get on with anything I could be doing. Like an outcast in my house.

spad Sun 08-Nov-15 16:32:35

Didn't want to read and run, not very helpful, just to say that sounds awful. I'm sorry.

Pipestheghost Sun 08-Nov-15 16:38:07

Take back control. Start divorce proceedings and get a contact arrangement drawn up. Tell him to leave, he knows what he's doing.

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 16:40:14

I do feel for you OP but:

Why are you letting him dictate all the shots?
Why do you let him in your house/come and go as he pleases?
Why have you not made proper arrangements where the kids are concerned?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 16:41:28

I was going to ask very similar questions.

Why have you not instigated divorce proceedings?. He will continue to mess you around as long as you let him do this, he is doing this also because he can.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 08-Nov-15 16:45:14

As above, you're making a rod for your own back by letting him into your home. All pick ups and drop offs of the dc should be done at the doorstep and he doesn't get to cross the threshold.

Tell him to leave now and if he doesn't, call the police and have him removed.

kerbs Sun 08-Nov-15 16:47:10

Do I recall you expecting to have to support him financially if you make things legal?

Hillfarmer Sun 08-Nov-15 16:48:01

There will be other people who know the legal here, but he has moved out, he no longer lives in your home, you must have some rights about whether he can just barge back in as if he still lived there.

He is not respecting you, he is not observing any boundaries, he is trampling over you. It suits him to barge through your boundaries... it makes you feel shit, and he wants to punish you (for something he did, obviously). You have identified correctly that you need to take back the power and control. It is easier said than done, but start by telling him what he can do...don't ask or 'suggest'. Don't ask him to leave 'nowish' - tell him he has to go NOW.

Don't let him ruin your time with the children. When he is gone you can email him a calendar, with a note that if he turns up early you won't let him collect the children until the agreed time. You both need to know where you stand and dates and times are key to this. He has to sign up to a timetable and it has to be in black and white.

I had this for a couple of years until a good friend did me a simple colour-coded spreadsheet showing exactly who had what time at weekends, it also showed school holidays and specified handovers.

The first thing I thought when I read your post is 'Don't let him in the house.' He has moved out. He doesn't get to do childcare in your house. I know it is hard, and that you think it will be hard on the children - but he cannot be allowed to torture you in your own house. You know it is extremely wrong, you in the kitchen upset, while he lords it playing with the dc in the next room. Wrong, wrong, wrong. He doesn't get to do that.

How old are the dcs?

It is his responsibility to have somewhere to take the kids. He says he doesn't want money but fails to find a place that is suitable for them at weekends. Can't have it both ways.

Everyone - particularly you - needs everything clearly laid out, months in advance. If you or he want to change an arrangement, then they need to give a set period of notice i.e. at least two weeks.

Does he come in and do before and after school in your home. Sounds hellish. Basically, you are trying to get divorced from this man but you are having handoevers twice a day? No wonder you're stressed. Other people may have done this may have some suggestions about how this goes on.

The one thing you need to hold on to is that at least he has moved out. Work on that. It may be that in the future you organise paid-for childcare. You do need to get him out of your face.

And what he is accusing you is beyond farce, by the way. His behaviour, as if he is the wronged party is outrageous hypocrisy. For him to try emotional blackmail is almost laughable.

Try and get him out of your face and your head as much as possible, but that's going to be difficult unless you get him out of your home. That should be YOUR safe place.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Nov-15 16:48:57

I agree with the others. He's taking the piss. This is your home. I'm gobsmacked that he was shagging someone in your bed while you were out at work. Fuck him. Start the divorce proceedings and get your Sundays back. Bastard.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Nov-15 16:51:11

Just realised he's been with them since 9.30? Was he like that when he was living with you or was he off doing things on his own at the weekend?

Remember Monopoly never actually finishes. It goes on forever. Go in now and tell him you want a word with him in the kitchen. Tell him it's time to go - no messing about.

thinkingmakesitso Sun 08-Nov-15 16:51:44

Yes, Kerbs, that's why I'm scared to push things as I seem to stand to lose whatever happens. He keeps threatening to have the dc 50/50 etc etc. I can hear him doing stupid voices etc like it's the happiest day of his life. Can't believe he would sink so low.

Hillfarmer Sun 08-Nov-15 16:53:30

Sorry - my verbiage got a bit muddled there. In short, I agree with everyone else:

* Start divorce
*Proper calendar showing childcare arrangements 12 months in advance
* Doorstep handovers at the very least
*He doesn't come into your home at weekends

iwantbrewstersmillions Sun 08-Nov-15 16:54:09

Well I don't like him and I don't think he should be in your house but if he has his own house sorted why shouldn't have the kids 50 /50.

thinkingmakesitso Sun 08-Nov-15 16:55:49

Thank you for replies. I don't think I can make him go, can I. Aside from his force of personality etc against mine, it is legally his house. He could move back in if he wanted to. I want to tell him he can't take the dc to his parents next weekend - he can take them on Sunday for the whole day, but not Saturday, but I'm actually scared to. Pathetic. It's not violence I'm scared of, but I can't face doing it.

Fairylea Sun 08-Nov-15 16:56:53

Op you really need to set proper ground rules. Change the locks if he has a key (?) and say you're going out, even if you're not so its not convenient for him to be in your house. He drops off and picks up from the doorstep. Have kids ready to go when he picks up and put your coat on. Go out with them and walk round the block and come back. When he bring them back pretend you are going straight off somewhere else and wave him off. Get in the car and drive to a tesco or whatever if you have to. I had to do all this shit with my ex before he started to get the message. You have to set up your boundaries now. He will never see the need to get a suitable place to have the dc if he can just slob about at yours. Mine saw dd at his parents house every other weekend for a year after a six month period of the above !

Fairylea Sun 08-Nov-15 16:58:05

If it is his house too okay you can't change the locks but you can put a bolt inside which means he can't just come in when he likes - a solicitor told me any court would regard that as reasonable behaviour for any woman living alone (just don't say it's to keep him out)!

Pipestheghost Sun 08-Nov-15 16:59:03

Has he got his own accommodation to take the children too? Why would you have to support him financially?

katienana Sun 08-Nov-15 17:02:36

I think you should go down the legal route. You might feel like you are losing out financially in the short term but it will be worth it to enable you to regain control and move on with your life.

thinkingmakesitso Sun 08-Nov-15 17:04:03

According to a solicitor I have seen, I would not be expected to support him, but he is of course entitled to money from the house and my pension. I can't afford to buy him out I don't think, especially if I now have to start paying for childcare as well, and solicitor said there is not enough equity to make it worth selling now (which I would want to avoid anyway). So we are stuck. If he would get a fucking job, deferred payouts wouldn't be a problem, but he is a useless twat, so we are stuck.

emotionsecho Sun 08-Nov-15 17:04:54

You've no choice but to get a proper legal framework for this, yes you may lose some things but you will gain your peace of mind.

Start divorce proceedings, get court ordered custody/visitation rights.

Unless you do this the situation you are in now will continue indefinitely and that's not in the best interests of you or your children in the long term. Boundaries and rules need to be put in place for everyone.

Fairenuff Sun 08-Nov-15 17:05:58

The only reason he is overstaying his welcome is to put on an act for you. If he is there I would go out. Go and see a friend, go to the cinema, go anywhere so that you are not the witness to his little 'play'. He will stop doing it when he has no audience.

Pipestheghost Sun 08-Nov-15 17:08:32

Ah, so he doesn't work, yes useless, controlling twat.

emotionsecho Sun 08-Nov-15 17:09:46

As difficult and unwelcome as it may be I think you need to force the issue, the only way this situation will be resolved is if you have a clean slate to start from.

Is there any negotiation you could do regarding the equity/pension issue?

Fairylea Sun 08-Nov-15 17:11:04

Have you done a benefits calculation on turn to us website? You might be able to claim more in terms of tax credits and childcare than you think (or not, obviously dependent on income but you can play around with figures anonymously and see what happens).

TeapotDictator Sun 08-Nov-15 17:26:57

It feels horrendous but even you putting small boundaries in place for the time being will make an enormous difference to how you feel. He is totally abusing the situation and it cannot continue if you are to feel sane in your own home.

Get a second opinion. If you're in London I'm happy to recommend my solicitor. Make a resolution to yourself that until you have a second opinion you will not allow yourself to feel this trapped. There will be options.

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