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How to react to "I got your preganant s you would stay in my life....I love you and Im cheating on you"

(26 Posts)
ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 13:39:36

Hello All!

This is my first time posting and actually going on this site but my work colleague said she got great advice going though some of the hardest times in her life.

So here go's.

In a nutshell I met my partner 5 years ago things have been up and down but we stuck it out together, my family disowned me or being with him due to cultural/race reasons- but I stuck with him.

He was he most gentle, caring, charming guy I had ever met a few months into our relationship I found out that he had been lying to me but because I stupidly loved him and his apology seemed so genuine I decided o continue with him but I needed some space so I moved up north to continue with my studies and he followed me up. Eventually we moved back down to his parents house to save for a house.

Lots of things have happened but to cut it short we went through 3 miscarriages and he really really wanted to get married have a baby etc. And a week ago I found out that he was messaging a girl so I confronted him and contacted her- I was devastated I found out I was pregnant.

The girl had no idea he was in a relationship and said she would not contact him. I felt so stupid as I was working roughly about 90 hours a week to support us and I was paying for everything including his phone etc and supporting his family and helping to put his sister through university etc. And I was at home doing his laundry etc, and he told me he loved me that day and he was off with her.

He said he wouldn't contact her again and wanted to try again- I thought I owed myself and the baby that and I did love him and he kept saying he was in love with me and wanted the baby etc.

This week I was getting a lot of pain in my stomach and called the doctors he said he would take me to hospital but had to phone his boss to say he wasn't going in to work, I waited 20 min and tried to phone him but his phone was off, I had to phone his cousin to help me- she messaged his boss to let him know we were going to the hospital and to tell my partner. It turns out he was at work- he never came t the hospital because he fell asleep.

On this same day I asked him out right if he was seeing someone, he kept denying it but then said he was talking to that girl again and he could not stop but still wanted to marry me and be with me because he loved and was in love with me. I asked him why in gods name he got me pregnant and he said" because he wanted to keep me in his life" and I "deserved to have a baby". He said he slept with and didn't use protection he actually said he wanted to have his cake and eat it. He also said that he told her I was a crazy ex girl friend that was stalking him and that he was not telling her about the pregnancy, the fact he had a nine year old and that he was living with me. H told me he wanted me to help him leave, and he wasn't going to tell his parents anything- I would have to explain everything.

I just sat in shock- I cant even describe the pain I felt.

I went out and found our vehicle found the girls number and contacted her again - at the time I thought that as he kept saying he loved me etc and he didn't love her maybe if I could talk to her make her realise that he was in a relationship that she would break it off and he would concentrate on the baby and his son. Wrong- I was so wrong.

He found me talking to her and assaulted me, it took 3 men and 4 other people to get him off me- he was arrested then bailed. He took all my ID, bank cards, work lap top and ID so I would find it difficult to leave his parents house. The refuges wont take me because I have no ID.
He came back to the house and hes more upset about the girl not talking to him then about what he has done.

He wants nothing to do with the baby, and refuses to return my belongings, his parents want me to leave asap as apparently I pushed him into this by contacting the girl. I have no friends as he made it difficult, I have no family.

Looking back I have realised he slowly isolated me from my friends, my life, my education anything that made me and I allowed it.

I don't now if I can do this on my own. I don't understand why he did this- he did this to his ex too. I don't understand why he lies and why he would expect me to be ok with everything he is doing. Nobody believes my side because he s charming and its making me feel like im insane.

I feel utterly heart broken and betrayed, If he said he didn't want to be with me I could cope with that but he strung me along got be pregnant swore on his sons life he want cheating on me, slept with me .........

I don't know how to pick myself up, Im frightened of whats going to happen- I have a good job but work as a contractor- I have a high risk pregnancy - his family wont help.

Any advice? Or people who have been through something similar?


ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 13:41:58

Also I want to take his life apart bit by bit but im resisting the urge.

BrightonMum36 Sun 08-Nov-15 14:05:38

Go back to your family. Apologise profusely for ignoring their advice which turned out to be correct and ask to come back.

IrritableBitchSyndrome Sun 08-Nov-15 14:10:49

Have you been to the police? Surely they could help refer you to a refuge and help get your property back? All sounds dreadful, and very stressful.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:14:12

Hi family basically are not in uk and said they are not willing to help.

He took all my ID and bank cards along with my work computer, police are aware of this. because I have no id the refuges won't take me and I can't rent anywhere. His family want me to leave as it's my fault as I should not have messaged the girl, and he every right to hit me.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:15:47

It's really stressful, I feel completely on my own. when his family needed anything I was there 100% they keep saying I should have behaved differently.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 08-Nov-15 15:32:11

When did he violently assault you, what injuries did you sustain, where are you staying now, and how are you managing without your bank cards, work laptop etc? As Nanny Ogg has said, the police will enable you to retrieve your belongings and you should get in touch with the arresting officer.

It seems to me it's time for you to reach out to all of those friends and family he isolated you from and give serious thought to whether it's wise to continue the pregnancy as this man is clearly not fit to be a father but will, no doubt, insist on excercising his parental rights to the full thus causing considerable conflict for yourself and, more importantly, for any child that comes from your relationship with him.

Given the way he's exploited your feelings and your finances it's clear that all you are to him, and to his family, is a goose that lays golden eggs and he'll soon find another to replace you. He's showed you what he's like and you would be ill-advised to believe that he is capable of changing his ways.

43percentburnt Sun 08-Nov-15 15:45:11

Bank cards easy, contact the bank, cancel the old cards and they will send you new ones. My only concern is that his mother and father intercept.

I.d - what specifically? Driving licence is 20, report lost to dvla. Passport more expensive but DL should be enough.

Are you pressing charges? I really hope so.

The work laptop, will work press charges for theft?

Why on earth does his family think his behaviour is acceptable? He will never change as he has been brought up in a way where he sees women as second class citizens. You mention they are culturally different to you, where on earth are they from?

The pregnancy, controversial and upsetting but it will tie you to this arsehole and his family for life. If the baby is a girl, god help her.

He won't change op, he will get worse. You need out.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:48:29

Hi goddessof small things,

this happened on fri, I have some cuts and bruises and a bump on my head. I spoke again to the arresting officer who told me that my ex partner says he does not have my documents etc. He advised me to go to citizens advice, the refuge said they could not take me this after me phoning the national domestic hot line. Iam currently at his parents house and they want me to move Asap. I can't rent anywhere without id, and I was advised by the council to give up my job so I could go on benefits and be easier to help that way.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:49:32

I've already decided I'm not going to stay with him that'd why he took all my stuff.

PacificDogwod Sun 08-Nov-15 15:50:52

Do not return to him.

Try to rebuild bridges with your own family and friends.

Which rescue declined to help you because of the ID issue?
The police should be able to help you further.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:53:28

hi 43 percentburn:He's portuguese.
I'm never going back to him, he took my passport, birth certificate, work I'd, driving licence all my cards and bank letters. I've talked to the bank after much pleading they agreed to let me pick up my new cards from any branch, I have to apply to everything else which will take time.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:55:48

Hi Pacific dogwood, it was a refuge from the national domestic violence service, they referee me I don't know what area it is in as they don't tell you for safety reasons. I did press charges but the police let him go even though someone videotaped everything.

PacificDogwod Sun 08-Nov-15 15:56:32

Are you currently in the UK?
You said you are at his parents' house: is this simply a house they own or are you actually with them?

PacificDogwod Sun 08-Nov-15 15:57:10

x-posted with you.
So did all this happen in Portugal??
I am confused.

TheMarxistMinx Sun 08-Nov-15 16:09:27

What do you mean when you say he wanted your help to leave?

You really do need to find somewhere to stay. Friends? Contact your family and tell them everything. If they were so concerned as to cut you off because they felt he was a problem for your welfare, it makes little sense that they wouldn't help when you want to leave him.

You need also to explain in person to your local authority. You are effectively homeless and you are pregnant.

The police cannot simply accept his word. Theft is theft and it should be investigated. Of course they may not be able to get your Id back but threatening him with arrest on suspicion of theft might motivate him to return it.

spanisharmada Sun 08-Nov-15 16:09:50

Does he have bail conditions? I'd have thought the domestic violence unit dealing with your case should be offering you more support. Have you got a midwife yet? Did the officer do a risk assessment? From what you say I'd have thought you'd be fairly high risk. There seems to be alot of gaps in the assistance you are being offered, presuming you're in the uk

goddessofsmallthings Sun 08-Nov-15 16:40:00

Are you in the UK?

Get back to the arresting officer and press charges for theft. You've mentioned 'our vehicle' - whose name is registered as being the keeper? If it's in his name and you've been paying the insurance by direct debit, cancel it.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:35:11

Hi all I'm in the UK, I live with his parents and him in his parents house. He does not have bail conditions.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:36:36

I've cancelled all the direct debits and I have cancelled cards. The police are bloody hopeless.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:38:26

He's come back to the house the police didn't even tell me he was being released. I feel so alone, he even had the gall to say I should have accepted what he said he got dressed and went out on a date.

ezeta2 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:39:24

I wish I had some friends in london, so many people here but I feel so isolated.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 08-Nov-15 19:18:15

What you've described falls far short of the Metropolitan Police policy on domestic violence.

Enter your postcode here and make contact with your community safety unit as a matter of urgency.

There's no way you should be staying under the same roof as your abuser and you should ask the police to help you retrieve your possessions from him/his family before being taken to a place of safety.

Being told you cannot be given a refuge place because you can't prove your identity is utter rubbish as many women and their dc have had to flee for their lives in only the clothes they stand up in with identifying documents being applied for at a later date.

However, in your case there's no reason why the police shouldn't demand your papers/laptop etc from him/his parents before removing you from the premises - have you checked the car to see if he's put them in the boot?

ezeta2 Mon 09-Nov-15 11:00:58

so today I found that the bank of scotland had cancelled my cards but didn't put a crime reference number down so they stated they could give me access to money- but after pleading and arguing they allowed the release of a grand. Today I'm looking at a room in a flat share not ideal but better then where I am ( at his parents house). he's now back living there and keeps saying he loves me but apparently he's angry that I hurt the girls feelings ( by telling her the truth)!!!!!!!! he then asked if I could help pay his phone bill because he'd been phoning her alot!!

ezeta2 Mon 09-Nov-15 11:02:58

his mother has now decided that I'm lying that I'm pregnant.......he's already said he wants nothing to do with the baby ( sent via text), and he plans on having kids with this girl that he's known for approx 3 weeks.

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