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My 'D'P actually isn't very nice.

(82 Posts)
Crazybaglady Sun 08-Nov-15 10:18:35


I'm starting this thread because I recently started one in infant feeding and the whole thing has made me realise that my partner is a bit of an arsehole.

He doesn't actually do anything unless it directly benefits himself, and isn't particularly nice to me.

We had a DD nearly 7 months ago. She's been fully breast fed until we started BLW recently.

Since she has been born, my partner has not once got up with her in the night or in the mornings so that I can have a lay in. Yet every single opportunity he gets to have one, he does. If he doesn't start work until 11, he won't be up until 9. If he's not working that day, he won't be up until he is ready to get up ect.

Baby was born on a Sunday... The next day it was me rushing around getting my older DC ready for school and for the remaining 2 weeks of his paternity leave and his 2 weeks annual leave after that I was the one doing EVERYTHING whilst he would stay in bed until 11, then shoot off to the gym.

He doesn't do ANYTHING around the house.The rare occasion that he does he acts like he's fucking Cinderella and that he's doing me a massive massive favour. I can cook a dinner the night before, he can't even be bothered to chuck the chicken carcass in the bin and soak the pans. The next morning I will have to clear this all up before even getting started on breakfasts for myself and the kids. baring in mind he is the last up, he never ever makes the bed or opens the blinds.

DF and DFIL will come over and do the more diy type tasks because if it's left to him, it just doesn't get done. It's fucking embarrassing and it pisses me off that my dad will be over cutting the grass. My dad gets pissed off but does it because I'm his daughter and it's his grand children's garden. (I can't do these things myself due to disability). Whilst these sort of things are going on DP will be in bed, playing on his phone, laptop or at the gym. There won't be any offer of any sort to help out. His own dad has just done a beautiful job of decorating DDs bedroom (over the weekends as he works full time) and my DP hasn't even bothered to call to thank him. Entitled wanker.

He doesn't ever do anything nice for me. I asked him for a back rub the other day because my back was sore... He would only give me one if I rubbed his head for ten minutes (he actually timed it).

He never ever praises me, or says anything positive to me. He only focuses on the negative. I had a home birth with DD, and I did a fucking good job considering she had her head at a funny angle, all he does is go on about WHAT A BIG DEAL I MADE OUT OF THE WHOLE THING and the 'funny noises' I made (and does impressions of them taking the piss out of me, and even to his friends IN FRONT OF ME).

We were starting to plan our wedding. I want it local as we can't afford something fancy and my main friends who I want there more than anyone won't be able to afford something abroad. He's absolutely insistent that it's abroad. Like won't even discuss a 'boring English wedding'. He think we can rent a villa that sleeps ten, hold the wedding there, and have our grooms and bridal party stay there and SPLIT THE COST with them... As in a £10k and 10 bedroom villa would be charged to each person as £1k each!!!. (I can see the AIBU now 'DH being best man and charged to stay at wedding venue abroad, AIBU to tell them to fuck off!) what the fuck!

He has recently started playing with the baby more, but makes a particular show when he's in front of his mother, who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Another thing he keeps doing, which I find quite concerning. He throws all his energy, time and money into various business ideas... Chucks loads of time and money at them. Fails at the first hurdle and then gives up. Moves onto the next one. I'm a bookkeeper, yet he doesn't discuss a single thing with me. At first he was just chucking his disposable income into it but recently he's started borrowing to finance these. Since March/April I'd say it's verging on £15-£20k of wasted money on failing business ideas...

What the fuck do I do? I don't even like him ATM.

Oh just to add some context... I'm self employed and work from home around the baby and my older child (from a previous relationship) so the whole he's at work all day idea doesn't wash well with me.

Thanks in advance for any responses... I'm anticipating lots of LTBs!

TheOriginalWinkly Sun 08-Nov-15 10:22:51

Really, your only options are to LTB - who is an emotional, practical, financial parasite who makes you miserable already and will spend all your money and ruin your life - or accept that you will be a slave to a total waster for the rest of your life.

DO NOT marry him.

category12 Sun 08-Nov-15 10:23:26

Annnd you're with him, why?

Fgs don't marry him. Kick him out instead. Far better.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Sun 08-Nov-15 10:23:40

I am on your other thread. Sorry, but the full story is even worse.sad

Do you like him? Does he benefit your life in any way? Because it sounds like the only thing you'd notice if he left is less work.

Oh, and I'd say LTB for mocking you in labour alone.angry

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 10:27:18

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you there now?.

What is the situation re the property and finances. Look closely at all of it and make plans to separate from him and asap. Presumably the marriage plans are now on permanent hold. This is not working out now, marriage will not change his underlying selfish, spendthrift nature and will more likely than not end in the divorce courts.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships as well. Surely not this appalling example of a relationship?. They deserve better and so do you.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 08-Nov-15 10:27:35

I don't think there's any other option than to get rid of him.

Joysmum Sun 08-Nov-15 10:28:30

you consider each point you made, decide if he'll change. If he won't you consider if it's a deal breaker.

If it is then you work out how to break that deal and form an exit strategy plan.

DoreenLethal Sun 08-Nov-15 10:29:10

Christ on a fucking bike do not marry this arsehole.

What is the house situation? Mortgage or rented? In whose name?

I think you need to have a good think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this man child. What you have described isn't a loving, respectful relationship, but I think you realise that. He sounds selfish and unkind, and not like someone you can rely on over the course of your life. You don't have to stay with him if you don't want to.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 10:30:10

Such men do not change. His own mother's attitude towards him i.e. the sun shines out of his behind has done its own level of harm too. He fully believes her hype.

Only1scoop Sun 08-Nov-15 10:31:02

He sounds fucking awful and incredibly immature.

What a turn off.

Don't be a Martyr though. He shapes up or ships out.

MythicalKings Sun 08-Nov-15 10:31:54

Don't marry him. Get him out of your life.

notapizzaeater Sun 08-Nov-15 10:33:36

Why would you want to marry him ? I don't see how emotionally and practically you'd be any worse off without him ?

Crazybaglady Sun 08-Nov-15 10:36:06

my infant feeding thread here

Hopefully that link worked.

Before DD was born he was actually nice to me. He didn't do any DIY stuff at mine and he didn't actually move in until a few months before DD was born. His own place was immaculate so I thought it would be the same here. My DS likes a good lay in on the weekends so i always got to sleep in. He was and still is incredible with DS. It was like DDs birth flicked the wanker switch in his brain.

House situation is it's a housing association house (not council but a private housing association) and in my name as I've been here for years. We don't have our finances combined (a conscious decision of mine).

I'm defiantly not going to be marrying him any time soon.

At the moment he does not benefit my life in any single way, apart from being some company. That's literally it.

libraries hello sad

Epilepsyhelp Sun 08-Nov-15 10:36:39

This just sounds totally ingrained in him. What drew you to him in the first place? Has he changed from that or just added these layers of being a twat as he got lazier?

IfNotNowThenWhenever Sun 08-Nov-15 10:40:23

But...why?? Why would you be with this arsehole in the first place? Let alone have his baby, let him move in with you and get engaged...? Did he have a totally different personality when you met? Or (to quote) does he have a solid gold cock?
I'm sorry if I dont sound sympathetic, it's just that the more threads like this I read, the more I just feel utter disbelief that anyone would think having a no mark waste of skin like this in their lives would be better than being alone.
Of course kick his selfish arse out, quicker the better.
It sounds like you have fab parents, which is good, they will be a great support. Although lone parenthood probably won't be much of a change really.
Oh, and before he leaves, make sure and get your mates round, kick him really hard in the balls and then stand around pointing and laughing at the funny noises he makes.angry

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 10:40:53

Such men are usually "nice" and can keep up the pretence to their partners until she is pregnant or soon after the child is born. This is not untypical behaviour from such abusive men.

He needs to move out as soon as possible. There should never be any marriage either.

IfNotNowThenWhenever Sun 08-Nov-15 10:41:57

Sorry OP, x post. Glad you have your own place. Sorry he turned out to be a knob.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 08-Nov-15 10:42:09

What is it that has made him change since your DD was born? What did you see in him when you met him? What an arsehole.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 10:42:57

Men like this OP also take some considerable time to recover from. It may be a good idea for you to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could help you with going forward.

Crazybaglady Sun 08-Nov-15 10:44:53

epilepsy he was swoon worthy at first, like I honestly felt like I'd hit the jackpot with him. He was fabulous. I think he just got comfortable and stopped making any remote effort.

His own dad is mortified by him. His parents split when he was a child and his dad feels his mother has always spoiled/ enabled him. A PP is correct when he says he believes her hype. He can do no wrong to her. I remember saying to her about how he's just left boxes of stuff laying around everywhere after he'd moved in a few months previously and she told me to 'not be so hard on him, he's going through a lot of changes'.

Onsera3 Sun 08-Nov-15 10:45:55

Sounds like his mum may have been the initial enabler in all this selfish fuckwittery.

I think you'd be better off without him. But in the interests of the children I would lay down the law and give him a chance to shape up before you ship him out.

DH does help a lot around the house and it can make me a bit lazy I think. I would do it if he didn't. So by doing the stuff you are maybe kind of enabling him to be so lazy and selfish.

Also, while DH is very helpful I find he thinks he does the lion's share because he builds tasks up in his head and doesn't realise all the things I'm doing (he's a great tidier but clueless about cleaning).

So I think your DP needs to see a chores list. List all the things you do, all the things he does and then move some on to his side.

Put the wedding plans on hold.

It's sounds like you have helpful family and you pretty much do everything yourself so he needs to make himself a bit more indispensable.

wickedwaterwitch Sun 08-Nov-15 10:46:17

God, LTB! Why on earth would you marry someone like this?

Crazybaglady Sun 08-Nov-15 10:48:00

ifnotnow he was brilliant at first. Honestly. We had a fantastic relationship, got engaged (woohoo), got pregnant (woohoo), baby was born (his personality does a complete 180) . Honestly if I knew it would have been like this, I wouldn't have got involved.

DoreenLethal Sun 08-Nov-15 10:48:42

Unfortunately, even if you gave him an ultimatum, this IS him.

At least you can simply kick him out like, tomorrow, if you wanted to. As it is your house and he has no claim on it.

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