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Trying to get my head around parents giving sibling a large sum of money.

(111 Posts)
SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 08:39:07

Will try to be brief but not drip feed. My sister through divorce found herself unable to keep up mortgage payments. Sensibly she looked for another mortgage to see if she could get a better deal but she was still going to be really short. Parents agreed to make up the shortfall of not far off 100k. This is supposedly a loan but sibling has no way of paying it back.

I think it is kind of our parents to help but I can't seem to throw off a feeling of resentment. My sibling totally had the option of downsizing to something affordable that still would have been big enough (she has a DC), close to the school and perfectly nice but didn't want to. I get that a move on top of a divorce would have been horrible but surely that is life?

I'm fairly certain that my parents way of thinking is that my sister is getting her inheritance early or something. I had no idea they had so much money and of course it is theirs to do what they want with it. Just feels a bit weird that a sibling is in a house of easily double the value of mine and DHs because of parental help. I think part of the resentment comes from the fact that money given towards a house is also going towards equity so this money is actually also an investment that my sibling will benefit from. The same sum of money would more than pay off my mortgage thus saving me thousands in interest but I would never accept it. I'm amazed that my sibling has cheerfully accepted this help frankly. There is nothing I can or want to do about it other than try to make peace with it so that I don't have an underlying feeling of resentment towards my family.

Thanks for reading and any advice.

florentina1 Sun 08-Nov-15 08:53:40

Several things might be in your parents mind. Interest rates are low at present so this is a safe way of investing in property. Maybe your sister has agreed to repay the money when she eventually sells and also shares the equity with your parents.

Maybe the will will reflect the loan.

How did you find out about the gift? Was it told to you quite openly?

ILiveAtTheBeach Sun 08-Nov-15 08:58:03

I would be pissed off about that too. I know if my parents did this, they would be very quick to tell me that they had ringfenced the same amount to leave to me, before any further money was divided 50/50. So, let's say when they die, they leave an estate worth £300k, I would expect you should get £200k and your sister gets £100k. Maybe they have done this? Can't you ask them?

msrisotto Sun 08-Nov-15 08:58:36

Have your parents shown favouritism before? If not then I think you're just jealous. You're all adults now and i'm sure she's just grateful she gets to stay in her home. I'm surprised you'd rather see her move tbh.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 08-Nov-15 09:00:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessHairyMclary Sun 08-Nov-15 09:11:45

My parents have just lent me £40000 to buy my flat.

I will be paying it back, if anything happens to my parents in that time it will be my inheritance whilst my brother will inherit their home .

You are in a much more stable position than your sister is with a husband to help and they probably view you as the stronger one. Perhaps they have already made provisions in their will to account for this. Paying for your house would also mean that should you and DH split then their investment may be affected whereas your sisters house will only be in her name.

There seems to be a lot of jealous siblings in MN recently and whilst I understand it and YANBU at the same time your parents are trying to help and do a nice thing and make life easier for one of their children which is something we would all do.

TooSassy Sun 08-Nov-15 09:17:01

OP.

First things first. Empathy. Try and have some.
Yes I am sure she could downsize but I imagine that with a divorce and young DC's she has quite a lot on her plate. maybe this is a lifeline she needs right now to keep her afloat? What else is family for if not helping one another at times like this??

There may also be conditions put in place you are not aware of. Such as your parents having equity in the house (thereby contributing to overall value of their estate). Or ring fencing this money for an equitable split further down the line that takes into account that your sibling has taken a large sum of money already.

I think you need to take a moment to be grateful that you are not in her shoes. I'm in the process of going through a divorce with young DC's and quite honestly it's horrid. My parents have offered to help and right now I haven't taken them up on their offer. If I did, I'd be HORRIFIED to think my sibling felt the way you did. We have always been there for one another and it's simply a given that we have one another's back. It will all come good in the end.

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 09:17:11

I am glad that I don't need my parent's help. I think I feel resentment though because neither does my sibling. If she needed the money to keep a roof over her and her DCs heads I would feel entirely differently. I think I do understand that a move would have been horrible coming on top of a divorce. However the move would have been from a big expensive house to a perfectly nice 3 bed semi down the road.

Yes there has been favouritism in the past.

I know about the money because my sibling told me. My parents haven't said anything about it. My initial concern was that ok the mortgage would be sorted but that she would end up with a house that would be expensive to upkeep and a mortgage she can only just afford. That does seem to be the case now and I know that help is being given towards other things.

Ok, perhaps I am being unkind and jealous. Initially I thought the plan was more designed to make sure that she didn't have to sell in a rush and I was all for that and that it was very sensible plus gave my sister time to get her breath back after a divorce before having to deal with a move. There are no plans to sell, share equity, etc.

bakingaddict Sun 08-Nov-15 09:19:16

If they have given her the money then they needed to make it clear to you what the conditions were. I know a lot of people will say it's their money to do what they want with but I fail to see why any parent would want to cause resentment or a family fued. IMO you absolutely cannot give one child a 100k without also making provision for that other child to get the same amount. It doesn't have to be at the same time obviously just let it be known that the other child will also get a similar share

TooSassy Sun 08-Nov-15 09:20:07

OP. Do you have any concept of the emotional and mental impact of divorce??? On both your sister and the DC's.

Threads like this leave me hmm. Seriously what is the world coming to? I'm going to give my sibling a huge hug when I next see them. Thank god for people who know the meaning of love. True love and support.

Happydappy99 Sun 08-Nov-15 09:22:00

I had a similar thing with my sister, my parents bailed out her out when she got divorced but as someone said above when they die my sisters share will be reduced.

llhj Sun 08-Nov-15 09:23:55

That would annoy and irritate me too. I think parents must be scrupulously fair in their dealings. I don't think you're callous at all, (well you might be but that's not indicative from this post!), it's patently unfair that she's in a house twice the value of yours facilitated by yours parents.
Realistically you have 2 choices, wear it and try not to let it fester because as you know sores like this suppurate or confront your parents with your feelings.
I would hate a situation like that and you have my sympathy.

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 09:24:49

Just to be clear, I know that the money has been gifted. There are no conditions attached to it. My parents make no claim on the house or any equity.

I guess I feel bad because at the very least I thought they might talk to me about it, even if it was to say, think yourself lucky you don't need our help. Of course it is their money and it is kind to help. I do not expect "the same" in a will or anything.

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 09:29:33

On the divorce thing - I have been supporting my sister for years. This split has been a long time coming and we have all been very supportive. It was also a few years ago so my sister is not in the thick of it now which is perhaps why I sound so callous. Both my parents and I were there for her every step of the way in any way we could. And yes, I do also have personal experience of divorce.

VulcanWoman Sun 08-Nov-15 09:30:39

I would feel the same OP, parents should treat their children equally.
Maybe they've altered their Will, in either case they should let you know IMO.

TooSassy bollocks! It's got nothing to do with that, it's about being fair.

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 09:41:14

I don't know if they have altered their will or indeed if they even have one. I would never ask!

They may need expensive care in the future (they are mid seventies). I'm not sure they have thought this through that far and why should they have to. They don't owe me or my sister anything, I just wish this weird divide wasn't there. I feel left out and hurt. I would prefer to just be told about things and be given the impression that I am in their thoughts during their rush to save my sister. I cannot stress enough that if this was to keep them in a more modest house I don't think I would feel the same. And I'm not jealous of my sister's house, I live in a perfectly nice one myself.

Isetan Sun 08-Nov-15 09:47:44

It isn't an inheritance and you have no say about how your Parents spend their money, until they leave it to you upon their death. What is your resentment exactly? That you haven't received an equivalent sum or that in your opinion, your sister doesn't need it.

Don't let this be the thing where you feel 'entitled' to express your resentment because on this particular occasion, you'd come across as unsympathetic and entitled.

kittybiscuits Sun 08-Nov-15 09:54:02

Yeah stop moaning, it's only £100k ffs. That they gave your sister with no strings attached. hmm.

I am guessing that this perhaps might cement something you have experienced 1000 times before in different ways? I would never purposely treat my children differently without attending to how that would impact on the other child. It's terrible. And I'm not surprised that you don't feel over sympathetic towards your sister.

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 09:59:25

I think the feeling is one of hurt that is now turning to resentment that my parents have given my sister 100k without saying a word to me so that she can live in a big house that she cannot afford. Perhaps I'm weird and horrid but it does hurt - DH and I work full time and live to our means. My sibling works part time and lives to the means of our parents (in a house rather bigger than theirs now I come to think of it). Okay, whatever, seems like spoiling to me but I think they might at least have mentioned it to me. I guess I just need to snap out of it and forget it but I'm not sure how to - if feels like an elephant in the room of our relationship.

Wirralmumof2 Sun 08-Nov-15 10:00:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Sun 08-Nov-15 10:02:00

And you shouldn't just 'snap out of it' x

SmashingTurnips Sun 08-Nov-15 10:04:07

I am guessing that this perhaps might cement something you have experienced 1000 times before in different ways?

Yes, I think that is part of it thank you. A number of years ago DH and I asked to borrow 3k from them for 6 months. We paid it back early with interest. Which I though was entirely normal at the time.

Isetan Sun 08-Nov-15 10:04:43

I would prefer to just be told about things and be given the impression that I am in their thoughts during their rush to save my sister.

Your objection isn't only that they didn't tell consult you but in your opinion, your sister doesn't need it.

What have been the other perceived acts of favouritism?

Busyworkingmum71 Sun 08-Nov-15 10:05:27

This has happened to me, about 10 years ago. On the death on my df my dm sold his property (his, not the family home, it's complicated), and invested about £200k capital in a property for db in London. I don't own my own property and got a £3k sum from my Df's estate. Db sold the property several years later for nearly a million. I was promised equity from the sale of his house, I got £10k. He is now in a substantial property mortgage free and doesn't work. I am working 60 hours a week, living in a property I dont own.

The resentment builds and builds, eventually leading to an enormous row and I didn't speak to db for a year.

Don't mean to hijack your thread but I feel I've gone full circle with this and just have to accept that dm inherited df's estate and she chose to use it to benefit db more than me. I'm hurt and disappointed, but it makes no odds. you can try arguing, going NC, but it is their money and they get to spend it how they like.

Feel for you OP, I really do.

VulcanWoman Sun 08-Nov-15 10:05:32

What do you think about writing a letter to them explaining your feelings, better to get it out in the open and clear the air or a cringe?

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