We have been married almost 20 years. We are happily married and have an equal relationship. So it's taken me a long time to understand the dynamics of my DH and his mum. She definitely has serious issues but the focus I would prefer here is finding ways to help DH.
I have been doing a lot of reading and he is not as badly affected as some MEM (Mother Emeshed Men) who never leave home or never think their wife is good enough. DH is very successful in his career and we have had a very happy stable marriage with three kids who he has a good relationship with. Our problems have always involved his mum. Now I am recognizing why I have felt so invaded and found her "crazy-making" when she is around. It is because my DH is not able retain boundaries with her and unconsciously/consciously lets her cross the line into the realm of our relationship.
The penny finally dropped recently when she managed (with DH's) help to manufacture a way to have a visit to our new home before we had even unpacked because of a health "crisis". I was seriously concerned and agreed when it was hurriedly suggested by DH that he rush her to our home. When she arrived she was as snug as a bug. She got up early every morning, did her hair, called all her friends and family reporting on all our doings and everything about our new home in detail and then proceeded to shadow DH constantly every minute from morning to night - and me if he was unavailable. She was in no hurry to see the emergency dentist and instead told me smugly "sorry Francis I can't be seen for two weeks" and expected to stay with us indefinitely. She was in her element.
The behavior is so normal to DH- he is not allowed to say no. When I saw them interacting and making plans to disappear for the whole day without the rest of the family (as per usual when they are together) something finally clicked. DH is not acting normally, he never behaves like this except with his mum. And she is making him into a surrogate husband/dad/partner.
I feel like I have finally pieced together the story and realised it is a family system. I am not sure what is next, she was here a few weeks ago now but DH and I have still not sat down to have a chat. Not sure what I am here for except to breath out and think aloud.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I have realised that my DH is enmeshed with his mum
FrancisdeSales · 07/11/2015 23:36
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