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When do you decide just to give up?

(11 Posts)
GreenNewLookBag Sat 07-Nov-15 23:35:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 08-Nov-15 00:38:05

I think it's not so much a case of 'giving up', but of living the best life you can in the circumstances you're in.

Develop your own interests, your own hobbies. Not ones you think you should have because that's where single men might be. Invest time and effort in the friends you have, whether they're single or married. Enjoy spending time with them rather than focusing on what they may have that you don't. And as odd as this may sound, learn to enjoy being alone. I had quite a few years on my own and this worked for me. When I finally met my DH it wasn't at a bar or club or through a hobby or group. Online dating didn't exist back then. I met him when I finally started to live my life as it was, not waiting for someone to find me.

If it's meant to be, love will find you. If not, you'll still have lived a fulfilling life.

ReadFox Sun 08-Nov-15 00:44:58

I was afraid of change. Even though my life with x was miserable. I left only when I knew that whatever came next, it could not possibly worse than the hell I was enduring. So not that brave really. I wish I'd left earlier.

ReadFox Sun 08-Nov-15 00:46:24

Sorry, that'll teach me to skim read when I'm half cut. I'm so sorry.

You're young and you should give up FOR NOW.

Take the time to do things you want to do and forget about the pressure of conforming.

noclueses Sun 08-Nov-15 01:39:52

Across, can you share where DID you meet your dh if not through any of these? just genuinely curious (unless it was at work which often the case) so that I can stop my online attempts (I will anyway). But I do agree re enjoying to be alone - I can do that now, and you aer right - you can feel happiness from doing so many things - though it runs together with a desire for the right partnerin my case somehow.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 08-Nov-15 02:26:09

We were introduced by my best friend. Her fiancé was my husband's best friend. I was to be maid of honour and he the best man at their wedding. At the time I lived about 600 miles away so had never met him.

I had been in two disastrous relationships and had gotten my life back on track. I was happy on my own. Life was good. BFF told me 'I've got the perfect guy for you'. I told her (literally but with great affection) to fuck off. She described him and I told her he totally did NOT sound like my type at all (which was true as I was attracted to real arseholes). She insisted, I resisted. She finally got me to agree by saying 'Well, will you just be nice to him at the wedding then?'. That didn't seem to hard so I said of course I'd be nice, wasn't I always?

To make a long story not so long. We met, it was love at first sight for both of us and we were married 10 months later. Life hasn'tt been perfect and we've had our rough patches but we're still going strong 30 years and 2 kids later.

But I think the most important thing to take away from this is that although I met and married after I'd stopped looking, if DH and I had never met I still would have been happy and had a great life on my own.

GreenNewLookBag Sun 08-Nov-15 14:53:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confused2015xxx Sun 08-Nov-15 15:16:57

You won't be alone forever.
I'm 29 and single but eventually things will work out ..I hope.
I've dated looser men too and I would rather be single than in a dead end relationship.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:48:49

As hard as it is, you just have to stop the worrying and be able to say "If I'm alone single forever, that's OK too, because my life is good".

That's where I was. I'd gotten to the point where I didn't care anymore, because I was 'sufficient unto myself', iyswim. I had a good career, a comfortable home, and good friends. I really didn't date much, other than accepting an occasional rare dinner out. But since I'd gotten to the 'no compromise on what I want' place in my life I usually didn't want a relationship to develop for one reason or another so there usually wasn't a second or third date. I had even begun thinking of having a child on my own, because that was the only thing that I felt bad about as I'd always wanted children.

You just have to be able to accept your life as it is, improving on the things that make you happy. And not wishing your life away waiting for something to fill the places that you really can fill all by yourself.

noclueses Mon 09-Nov-15 01:43:51

what a great subversively romantic story, Across! see when you were RESISTING a date you've got it all falling into your lap! isn't fate marvellous [sigh] well in some cases!
How long have you been single for though? sounds like very little as if you had a few r-ships and then a 30yr marriage, couldn't be too long inbetween! but regardless, you've reached the right mentality, and as you say could have potentially been happily single.
Also, I'd love to know even more - did he make the move? did you show him at once that it was love at first sight for you? (I mean not jumping for joy and shouting about it, but in some way?). Aftre bad relationships your gut instinct must have been so well tuned that you weren't cautious, whic is interesting.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 09-Nov-15 05:22:26

I was single for a few years. I was married very young for a very short time (disaster #1) then one other disastrous relationship soon followed.

It's hard to say who made the first move. It was pretty mutual. I knew the moment I laid eyes on him, literally before we even said 'hello'. He won't admit to 'love at first sight' but says there was 'something different' about me. We spent the weekend of the wedding together then I had to return home. We spoke on the phone daily for 6 weeks then I returned to see him for a week. At the end of the week when we said goodbye at the airport we both said 'I love you', looked equally shocked, then I ran for the plane. When I got home and we talked on the phone we both 'pooh poohed' it and said it was 'just the moment'. A few more phone calls and we started discussing my moving to where he (and my best friend) lived. I didn't completely throw caution to the wind, though. I told him at that point that I wasn't going to disrupt my life on a mad whim and I needed him to 'declare his intentions'. I didn't use those words, but similar. I didn't want to make such a huge change in my life if he wasn't looking for the same thing I was, I didn't want to waste my time if he wasn't sure. We both agreed at that point that we both wanted the same thing (marriage and children) and that we were pretty sure that each other was 'the one'. I moved and the rest is history.

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