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To leave father of my 3 kids?

(3 Posts)
catastropheornot Sat 07-Nov-15 17:33:00

I got to together with my DP when I was 36 and it moved quite quickly. I got pregnant quite early on and we decided to go ahead, after a few wobbles and now have 3 children and together nine years. We are not married. He has said he'd like to get married but I get the feeling it's just because it seems to be the done thing especially as we have a house and children together. I always tell him that marriage not important to me and we have better things to spend our money on. Truth is, it's just I don't feel I should marry HIM.

We argue quite a lot. Usually over stupid things, we often misunderstand each other and are at cross- purposes. I believe we both have anger issues. I certainly do, in that when I get really angry ( takes a while) I can really lose my temper, say things I don't mean and occasionaly smash things or lash out physically The latter I'm deeply ashamed of and am actively working on and I am much more in control these days but I do still have lapses. I grew up with a violent mother ( violent towards me). Absolutely no excuse, and I am working hard to make myself a better person in that respect. DP has responded in kind on occassions and sees this as totally justified. Just read this and realise how horrific it sounds, thankfully it's relatively rare. But it does happen...
DP seems to have a low level anger thing bubbling under the surface. It doesn't take much to rub him up the wrong way but his response is often to withdraw or be passively aggressive and he will hold grudges for months.. If my anger flares up I can calm down fairly quickly and will have forgotten what the argument was about within an hour. If I get angry he is not very good at diffusing me ( not that it should be his job to) but his anger will quickly escalate in response and he'll then brood for days. Most people think he's really placid.

He is a lovely man, generally kind, intelligent and affectionate, great father and does 'help' with the domestic stuf. When things are good between us it's really fun and lovely and I love our family unit. He does support me in my goals and care about me.

BUt when it's bad its' really ugly and we haven't had sex for ages. I am so exhausted at the end of each day it's the last thing I would want and if we are not feeling emotionally close ( which is most of the time) the thought of it is just like a violation.

WE've tried counselling etc and it works for a while but then things just revert back to normal. I"m beginning to think we should just set each other free but I don't know how we'd even do it logistically. It would be terrible for him to be away from kids and them too. My life would probably be worse too. I don't think I'd meet anyone else as I"m too shy/scared. I feel that everyone would just be miserable - at least for a while.

Arghh - I just feel trapped in this situation.

Sorry for rambling on - any words of wisdom/experience?

Inexperiencedchick Sat 07-Nov-15 21:34:08

flowers

Inexperiencedchick Sat 07-Nov-15 21:36:37

what did bring you close together at the start?

would you be able to rekindle it? or you don't want anything anymore?

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