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How would you feel?

(43 Posts)
sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 13:29:38

So how would you feel if your husband went out of his way to book days off work to arrange a big night out with his ex work mates and go round texting them all months in advance to arrange a big night out then you only find out because you see a text from one of his female work mates and only tells you because I found him out. The he tells you, you can't go because they are not taking wives/gfs/bfs but one guy is taking his other mates no one knows? Then he doesn't even make the same effort to arrange something for our 9 year wedding anniversary that's BEFORE this night out. He didn't bother to join the days off for our anniversary and didn't make any plans until I asked him why. I'm so fed up. I feel like life's all about him and what he wants and he actually doesn't care for me.

AlwaysHope1 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:32:33

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I fall as a priority far down the list. It isn't that he's thoughtless as he clearly proves that he's capable of planning.

Robotgirl Sat 07-Nov-15 13:50:31

This sounds a bit 'final straw' OP. Have you been feeling a bit like he's been prioritising other parts of his life for a while?

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 14:20:32

Yes he's always been a selfish person and thought of himself before me. I hate his selfishness. And when I question him about it he's so horrible to me and says I'm having a go at him when I'm not I'm just telling him how it's making me feel. He went out twice last month as well. Then when I pull him up on things he will spend the next day 'off with me' like he's punishing me for commenting on things he does. He hates people critising him.
He's now said we can do something next Friday but I know that's because I've said something to him. I think if I didn't say anything we would just stay at home and he thinks i would be happy with a meal at home whilst he's got his big night out end of the month. I said to him why can't he save the money for our anniversary instead of his night out and he said he won't go anymore but I know he's just trying to shut me up till the day comes and he will tell me on the day he's changed his mind and he will go. He's done his type of thing before.
And because I spoke to him this morning about it he got angry afterwards and said the house is a mess and That i never tidy up because there was some pamper and pens on the floor from the kids. I think this is punishment for me saying something to him.

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 14:25:14

Paper *

goddessofsmallthings Sat 07-Nov-15 14:47:07

he's always been a selfish person and thought of himself before me

Knowing this, why did you marry him and why are you continuing to stay married to a self-entitled knob man who has little or no regard for you?

Seeyounearertime Sat 07-Nov-15 14:47:21

Others have more experience in this but I think it sounds like emotional abuse.
Have a look at this:

You need to decide whether to put up with this or to think if you deserve or want more from life.

Robotgirl Sat 07-Nov-15 16:03:41

Sounds similar to my ex.
Very self-centred.
What is it about him/your relationship that you like, OP?

LosingTheWillToSkate Sat 07-Nov-15 17:24:58

It's odd that so much planning has gone into a night out.

It's not odd to not invite partners to a night out with friends as it changes the dynamic. My DH and I don't invite each other to nights out with our own friends.

Did you arrange anything for your anniversary?

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 18:38:57

I didn't arrange nothing no because I'm a SAHM and he's the one who works and he's the one who knows when his days off and weeks off are. He is the one who needs to book the time off work and he only does that to benefit him
About his mates night out. One minute he said I can go and the next says I can't. He's put so much effort into this but none into our anniversary. To me that's odd to care more about a mates night out than your own anniversary. He said he asked my mum to babysit and booked something for us but my mum hasn't even got the day off work herself. He's a liar and says things to fob me off. It's not fair really coz he went out twice last month and now his Minh he's due a night or whilst I'm always stuck with the kids. He doesn't value me as a SAHM. He says he would rather me SAH to look after them coz it's better than them in a nursery (not here is anything wrong with that it's just out preference) but I think he uses that to take advantage.. I don't have friends coz my life is kids kids kids and I think he secretly likes that as he gets all the fun.

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 18:42:52

I think maybe I'm just scared to be alone and I'm scared of bringing up children alone
I do love him so much always have always will and I think he knows this and takes advantage

Epilepsyhelp Sat 07-Nov-15 18:50:17

The thing is there's not really any point in nagging him to change his plans/take you out - he's made it clear that his preference is to spend time with his friends and he doesn't want you there.

You can't change how he feels by forcing him to change how he behaves, it seems like he feels like his mates are more fun and interesting than you. How does that make you feel? I don't think I could be happy with someone who saw me as childcare/housekeeper rather than partner.

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 19:05:04

How do you think it would make me feel
Like shit? Of course?
He's cheated on me previously so I'm a bit nervous as well
He also used to flirt with one won she used to work with who's usually present on these nights out
It's not nice to hear someone say that My husband thinks I'm no fun and he would rather spend time with his mates
Made me feel worse now

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 19:06:54

If he doesn't find me interesting or fun then he's an idiot
Who would tray her spend time with his mates than his wife? You telling me I should just like it or lump it because it's not his fault he finds his mates more interesting

Seeyounearertime Sat 07-Nov-15 20:32:13

I think the general just of the advice here is leave.
We can't say much more tonyou OP. There's not going to be a poster patting you on the back and saying there there.

Your OP is, IMO, abusing you. He prefers having you at home looking after things whilst he does what he wants. He seems to not give a shit what you want, need or desire as it contradicts his own agenda.

What you need to do is decide if you can live like it or not.
If not then there's tons of advice around here for leaving, getting help with busove partners etc. Women's aid, cab, Shelter for housing matters etc.
If you decide you can love like it then there's things you can do like councilling, speaking to GP, Etc.

Unfortunately we can't make that decision for you.
But ask yourself, if nothing has changed so far in your relationship, will it ever? How will it be in 5 years? 10 years when the kids have gone? Etc etc.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's about the long and short of it I think.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 07-Nov-15 20:41:45

But isn't that what you think he thinks, as well? Isn't that your reason for posting?

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 21:05:11

Yes it's what I think
Just hurts to hear in black and white I suppose

sammyjayneex Sat 07-Nov-15 22:14:33

Everytime I try talking to him he always changes the subject and tells me he doesn't want any shit from me

Epilepsyhelp Sun 08-Nov-15 00:19:41

I didn't say it to make you feel worse, I said it because yes he's being unreasonable and no of course you're not asking much wanting him to care, the fact that he's acting like he is suggests he doesn't care - I tend to be a bit of a black and white person (probably too much!) so if my dh was acting like he didn't care I would think well he just doesn't care, which would mean a massive conversation about the state of the marriage and whether it could be saved etc.

If you've tried to talk and he won't listen maybe you need to do something a bit more drastic to make him listen. If I was talking to a friend about this and they were in your situation id say I bet he still loves you underneath, he's just got lazy and in a rut and he needs a short sharp shock.

sammyjayneex Sun 08-Nov-15 16:36:57

I know your all right in what your saying
I feel like crap
We had an arguement
Called me miserable and said he is only with my for the kids and was planning to leave me when the kids get a bit older but now he's saying it might be much sooner than that now all because I I told him how unhappy and lonely I am.

sammyjayneex Sun 08-Nov-15 19:03:15

We had an arguement and instead of sorting it out he decides to ignore me all night

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 08-Nov-15 19:15:06


You really do have doormat and fool written on your forehead.

Nothing will change re him until you yourself decide that finally enough is enough. You have written at length about him over some considerable time now, does that not tell you anything?. When will you finally have your own epiphany?. If you do not do anything you will be in precisely the same position in a further year's time.

He acts like this also because he can do so. You are really experiencing death by 1000 cuts here.

Re your comments in quote marks that I have separated out:-
"I think maybe I'm just scared to be alone and I'm scared of bringing up children alone"

These are still not reasons, let alone good enough reasons, to stay within this at all. You are pretty much alone now within this marriage; he not being there day to day will make no real difference to you.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?. Currently all this is acceptable to you on some level so you stay, it suits you more currently to stay and its "easier". You still get something out of this relationship after all too.

"I do love him so much always have always will and I think he knows this and takes advantage"

Of course he does take advantage; I would put it to you that your love for him is really based on an unhealthy co-dependency. His actions are certainly not those of a loving man.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from the two of you?. They are NOT going to thank you for staying with this individual should you choose to; instead particular scorn will be poured on you by them. They will call you daft for staying particularly if you were to stay because of them.

sammyjayneex Sun 08-Nov-15 20:28:25

Ye he is an evil bastard
I was in my room minding my own business and I didn't bother him at all, I left him to it. Then he opened the front door and closed it again to make it look like he was leaving ( not arsed if he did leave and I didn't show any signs I was bothered) he then starting shouting me down to eat using a pet name a stupid silly pet name and was laughing. I ignored him. Then he came upstairs and took my
Laptop as he wanted to use it and I said no I'm using it you can use it later when I'm asleep
He said ok
Then walked downstairs and said 'you still can't speak to me all night'
So he speaks to me when he wants to
Try and disturb me and to take the piss but I can't talk to him
I'm just so upset I was calm on my own in my
Room out of his way and he does this

sammyjayneex Sun 08-Nov-15 20:30:23

I asked him why did he speak to me if he didn't want me to talk to him
And his reply was 'just so you can learn not to mess with me again'
In other words he's goading me to cause me stress to teach me a lesson evil bastarf

AlwaysHope1 Sun 08-Nov-15 20:35:42

So what is your plan op?

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