Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I right to feel angry?

(42 Posts)
thewinterqueen Sat 07-Nov-15 13:13:16

I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, and he's a very nice man. When we go out, he holds doors open for me, is very thoughtful and is just quite lovely. The second date came along and he suggested we go back to his. I explained that we could, but I didn't sleep with guys until I knew them better and/or was in a relationship with them. He smiled and agreed, so we went back to his for a coffee.

Upon reaching his house, we settled down into the living room and chatted, and had a little kiss. He got a bit 'handsy' and so I told him off in a nice way, with a smile. I made a joke of it. The problem is, he didn't listen. After I'd removed his hand from my breasts four times, he grabbed my wrists and held them away, whilst pulling up my top and going for the kill anyway. I kept telling him no, but he continued, telling me to relax and that he 'wasn't going to judge me for it.' I didn't want to start screaming at him, which perhaps I should have done in hindsight. Anyway, he did the same with my trousers and knickers, which really upset me. I kept saying I didn't want to, but he went for it anyway. Needless to say, he had sex with me, and I felt absolutely powerless to say no. Perhaps it is my fault for going home with him? Perhaps I wasn't forceful enough in saying 'no'? I feel crap about it and he doesn't seem bothered at all. He's also very keen to see me again. Am I right to feel angry about this? I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and saw him again, and he did exactly the same thing, despite me saying no.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, but I suppose the question is...was this consensual? I feel rotten about the whole experience and a fool for going back...

DoreenLethal Sat 07-Nov-15 13:15:04

Pick up the phone and call the police. That is rape.

Going to someone's house for coffee is not consent to sex.

He is not a very nice man.

HappyHippyChick Sat 07-Nov-15 13:16:00

No, this was not consensual, it was rape. I'm sorry this happened to you flowers.

Redglitter Sat 07-Nov-15 13:16:02

You're more than justified in feeling angry. That was in no way consentual. That was rape. Please consider reporting him to the Police

glenthebattleostrich Sat 07-Nov-15 13:16:21

You said no. It was not consensual.

Utterlyclueless Sat 07-Nov-15 13:17:25

That's rape you need to contact the police asap!

You have every right to be angry.

onlyif Sat 07-Nov-15 13:17:34

He is not a nice man.

thewinterqueen Sat 07-Nov-15 13:18:29

My main concern is that I made a joke of it at first, because I felt awkward and I didn't want to create a confrontation. I'm also upset because I went back, which looks awful, doesn't it?

ThirtyFivePounds Sat 07-Nov-15 13:20:08

He is not a very nice man at all. He is a rapist.

ivykaty44 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:20:56

Op is there anyone in real life to come And be with you? Are you near any family friends?

ivykaty44 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:22:19

Winter going to a man's house is not bad

What this man choose to do was bad and he was the cause if this NOT you or any thing you did

thewinterqueen Sat 07-Nov-15 13:22:23

I don't want to tell anyone about it sad I feel kinda embarrassed and horrible, which is stupid isn't it? X

AtSea1979 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:22:45

Sorry OP but I agree with others. You felt powerless and struggled to fend him off. That is not consensual.
Firstly, block him and stay away, completely. Plenty of help here to stay firm on this.
Secondly, consider informing the police but that will be a lengthly, invasive process and you need to decide if that's right for you but you might well save others from experiencing the same.
We still live in a world where women need to get empowered and stand united on stopping this kind of thing from happening by showing men that this cannot happen and they cannot get away with it.

Chillyegg Sat 07-Nov-15 13:24:39

Call the police my love.
Hear for a hand hold and also you have every right to be angry! He is a cunt of the highest order

Redglitter Sat 07-Nov-15 13:25:02

Don't feel embarrassed you're the victim here. Please speak to a friend or someone close about it.

thewinterqueen Sat 07-Nov-15 13:29:16

I hate this sad I know you're all right too. I don't think I could handle calling the police at all. I was abused as a child so I'm quite aware of the procedure and I'm not sure I could go through all that again. I just don't understand why he didn't take no for an answer, and then did it again. I do feel like I was assaulted, and I feel horrible about it. The worst thing is, he did it twice. The police would question why I went back sad and I keep asking myself the same question...

Genx77 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:33:41

He raped you. It doesn't matter that you went to his house, it wouldn't have mattered if you danced naked in front of him, you removed his hands from your body several times, you said no.
It sounds like he thinks he did nothing wrong which to me says you're not the first, and chillingly won't be the last.
Report him, for yourself, because you are worth more than being treated like this, for women in the future who are 'invited back for coffee' and to put an end to his disgusting, illegal and violent behaviour toward women.

AlwaysHope1 Sat 07-Nov-15 13:37:43

Hugs opflowers this man has abused you. You did NOTHING wrong.

WorzelsCornyBrows Sat 07-Nov-15 13:42:41

Please call the police and Rape Crisis.

I would also text him and say that since he didn't respect your right to say no to sex, you will not be seeing him again and that in the future he shouldn't have sex with a woman when she says no.

BluePancakes Sat 07-Nov-15 13:53:46

Totally agree with the others to call the police.
Is there a close friend/family member who can be with you and support you when you do?

Goingtobeawesome Sat 07-Nov-15 13:55:33

Reporting is the best thing to do. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 07-Nov-15 13:55:55

Report him to the Police even if you don't want to take it any further. To anyone with any experience of rape and predatory men, who try to normalise what they do, it doesn't sound strange that you went back. Even if the Police don't think you have a strong case they should put this on record to be seen the next time he does this to someone. And he really deserves to get that knock on the door, the bastard.

OldGreyCat Sat 07-Nov-15 13:59:49

I'm sorry, it's definitely Rape thanks

As to the Police asking 'why you went back'.

Well, when you are crystal clear with someone, and they ignore you and do it anyway, it's kind of hard to 'believe'. You doubt and blame yourself. Rapists rely on this.

You might have thought you were not clear enough? (you were, btw).
So, you 'gave him a 2nd chance' as many kindly people do, with other people they don't want to believe are bad.

It's possible that your childhood experiences also make it harder to trust that when you say NO it is respected.

Your behaviour, including 'going back' was not wrong. His clearly was.

I hope you get support in RL, inc from the Police.

ivykaty44 Sat 07-Nov-15 14:01:09

You didn't do anything wrong, please be measured you told him no and the fact is he is a sexual predictor, a rapest and he wanted to have sex so he did with force.

You can go over things you did but it will not stop this man from being a rapist and if you had done things differently he would and will still be a rapist and would have taken the oppertunity to rape you - what you did or didn't do wouldn't have stopped this man

I'm so sorry this has happened to you

Penfold007 Sat 07-Nov-15 14:03:49

You did nothing wrong, he is a rapist. Is there anyone you can talk to?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now