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Feeling alone because I stood up to my abusers

(23 Posts)
outofpaper Fri 06-Nov-15 20:53:35

They are still being bloody awful to me, worse than they have ever been. They treat me like they HATE me (ex oh/parents) Sometimes I feel that I have made progress because I have stood up to them and have educated myself about their controlling and abusive motives.
But at other times (like now) I just think, wow I am so alone and all I have in my life right now is the daily challenge of dealing with their s***, and trying to cope on my own as a single mum.
Sorry, I know this sounds like a really depressing post, but I just find I am being punished and I am worried that I am not going to find true happiness for myself and my ds. I tend to isolate myself so I don't have any close friends I can really confide in.
I just wondered if anyone else had been in the same position and managed to find happiness in the end, and had any tips? I need something to cling onto as right now I am feeling quite low right now sad

outofpaper Fri 06-Nov-15 21:01:17

Sorry, just to add I think what the big problem is that I feel that my life is falling apart - whereas before I discovered the truth I was relatively in control, now it's almost as if I am a bit out of control - overeating, probably drinking too much, not staying in touch with people, being a bit spaced out most of the time, just 'getting by'.
The person I was is like a distant memory but at least that person held the fort a bit better than I do right now...

Sophia1984 Fri 06-Nov-15 21:24:17

I'm afraid I haven't read your previous posts so don't know the exact situation, but would it help you to imagine how much worse you would feel if you hadn't stood up to them and were still stuck with the abuse. You must have been really strong to do it and have come a long way. You've taken your ds out of an abusive situation so have already done so much for his happiness. Are there any local women's groups you could get involved in. I know of centres for women who have been victims of abuse that run activities for families on weekends and things like that. Also, don't be too harsh on yourself for 'just getting by' - that in itself is a huge achievement. Maybe just set yourself small goals like taking your ds for a walk to the park, or making something healthy together to eat. In my experience, people are very forgiving of you for not being in touch - it takes a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call a friend you haven't seen for a while but it's definitely worth it. Good luck!

springydaffs Fri 06-Nov-15 21:48:37

Yes I relate completely to this. Being 'cast out into outer darkness'?

I'm seeing a therapist at the mo and it makes all the difference. Someone in my corner. I had a session today and the difference is noticeable - I didn't scoot straight into all the erm displacement stuff I usually do the minute I got in.

Have you had any therapy? I'd recommend it. All that 'outer darkness' stuff is shame - shedloads of 'their' damnation . it takes a lot to stand up under that. The tendency is to skulk about under the weight of it.

ifyouregoingthroughhell Fri 06-Nov-15 22:32:04

You've lost your normal.
It may not be what anyone else would consider normal, but it was your normal. And you had ( or felt you had ) some control.
The eating, drinking etc. is trying anything to feel" normal "again.
I think that's why people act so out of character at these times.
You were in control of your life once, so you can be again.
I can't find your old posts so not sure how you got to where you are.

outofpaper Fri 06-Nov-15 22:55:40

Thanks so much for your replies x
Apologies, I have name changed a few times but the advice in mumsnet has honestly been my lifeline.
I've been.peeling back the wallpaper and its been shocking to be honest.
The treatment I have had throughout my life is abuse and its not my fault. I just can't believe it - I always thought it was - that was my reality. I am not a despicable joke of a human being. So who the hell am I? it's relief in many respects but has ripped the rug from beneath my feet more than I would care to.admit.
I am not sure how to move on and make something out of my life from scratch it seems quite overwhelming right now.

outofpaper Fri 06-Nov-15 23:02:34

yes, definitely going to look into therapy..

ifyouregoingthroughhell Fri 06-Nov-15 23:03:39

I will replace the word normality with reality.
You have lost your reality.
Pull off the wallpaper, wash the walls, fill the cracks, rub it down and paint it the colour of your choice.
Yes very time consuming, and lots of effort and strength.
Or if you want a quick fix, put up new paper on damp walls.
How long will that stay up ?

BertieBotts Sat 07-Nov-15 00:25:35

Yes. Hello. Am here smile Need to go to bed as I'm an hour ahead but I wanted to say hi and that you're not alone. Hope others are along to chat - if not, there'll be a late night chat thread around somewhere. I know online is not the same, but it's company and it's something smile

Everything will feel overwhelming, so don't worry, that is totally normal. You can go bit by bit and still build up a life for yourself. It takes time. Therapy helps - I would prioritise that. If you can't for some reason then write down the barriers and prioritise those. Just break everything down into steps - one thing at a time.

Can you write down anything you've ever done which was strong, or made you feel proud? I can tell you two straight off the bat. One, you had a child. It doesn't matter what kind of childbirth you experienced, it's a bloody strength sapping experience and a huge mountain - you did it. That's incredible. And most likely without support, either - so that was all you. Now you have a son, and I bet he is wonderful. smile The second thing you have done (perhaps more than once?) is to walk away from abuse. Wow. Seriously. I KNOW how hard that is. It's phenomenal and you've done it. I know that it feels like the hard work is to come, with rebuilding, but I want you to remember that it's actually not - the hard part was leaving, that was brave. You are brave, and strong, even if you don't feel it. There is the proof.

I liked this, I thought you might smile
findingjoy.net/when-youve-been-let-down/

amarmai Sat 07-Nov-15 01:34:16

hi op, i am going to suggest something that may seem silly- but it helps me. Do you have a craft e.g. knitting, painting, sewing , bead work, baking, etc ? Sometimes the way i know i am actually achieving something is when i can see the piece of knitting getting closer to completion , altho i may only do a few rows a day. That gives me a sense of satisfaction that i am making some progress plus it distracts my mind from unwelcome thoughts. The same applies if i sew new curtains and hang them up, or repaint the kitchen or a piece of furniture. I don't spend a lot of money on these activities as you can get anything cheaper or even free if you keep your eyes open for opportunities. I also find it helps to say to myself that nothing lasts forever and to compare how it is right now with how awful it was before and realise that bad as it is , it's getting better little by little. I follow a yoga program on a video and feel i am doing a little to be more fit. Going outside for walks and bike rides brings me better feelings and writing down everything small and big that i am grateful for brings some inner peace. You will find what works for you bit by bit. You have shown that you have the inner strength to choose the hard path of freeing yourself and your dc from a bad situation. Now you must find the strength to stay the course and make more changes in your life. You have proven that you can do it.

Imbroglio Sat 07-Nov-15 09:36:17

I understand.

The good news is that the pain and disorientation you are feeling is a sign that things have changed, and you really are in more control now.

The people are being 'bloody awful' to you because they have realised it too - its a stage of denial and anger they have to go through.

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 09:56:30

Thank you allsmile your messages have really helped.

I just wish it didn't upset me so much. I can kind of deal with the nonsense I get from my ex now, to an extent. But my parents are being so cruel right now. Like it used to be but worse.

Because I stood up to them recently, they have been slagging me off and bitching to others. But the worse thing is they claim that they are the victims. They are so upset and hurt by my nasty ways and the fact that I am being a bully. (I am SO not) . I told them I was not going to accept their swearing and shouting but that has prompted a 2 week silent treatment, and now a package through the door this morning with an unwrapped present and short message to my son for his birthday.
I won't go into the many different ways in which this is her ' making a point' but it was definitely done to make me feel abandoned and guilty. that I have hurt her so much and she is so nice and generous, but she has now washed her hands of me. It's toxic behaviour and I hate the way she is involving my son in this.
I am not sure how to respond to this, do I acknowledge or ignore? Whatever I say or do they will be nasty I just want to forget about them but I can't.

TheSkiingGardener Sat 07-Nov-15 10:15:00

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You have changed and they don't like it so they will use any and all methods and tactics they can to send you "change back" messages so you can all go back to the way things were. The more you refuse to go back the more they will try. Only time will tell whether they can accept the new you or not, but since that would involve them realising how abusive they were it's unlikely.

And of course you feel like you are falling apart. You have. The old you was known and understood. You've thrown all the balls in the air and change who you are, it will take time for you to know yourself again.

Be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself.

Imbroglio Sat 07-Nov-15 10:16:24

She dropped the gift round to make herself feel better.

How old is your son? If he's old enough get him to write a thank you note or scribble a drawing and post it to her.

How do you know what your parents are saying? Is it being relayed back to you by someone else?

pallasathena Sat 07-Nov-15 10:20:49

I'd ignore the present giving. She's looking for a reaction as you rightly point out. They're trying to show you they're right and you're wrong and nothing will shift them from that position sadly. We live in the most incredibly judgemental society since the bloody inquisition I sometimes think - and if your opinion is different from the mainstream, then you're totally out of order, judged and condemned pending a change of heart and conforming to their interpretation of reality.

And so...you have to be strong. Incredibly strong. It's worth it because you finally get these toxic people out of your life or in some cases, re-educate them into the 'new normal'. That's your interpretation of what's normal. And that's what you have to aim for.

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 10:22:44

Yes, I think.ignoring is probably the only way I am going to protect myself from further abuse, either that or apologising to them and going back to my old self, and that definitely ain't happening!
Writing a letter from my son sounds like a very good option.

Yes I know they have been saying stuff about me as I've been told by a (kind of) family member who thankfully don't agree with them at all and can see what they are doing.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 07-Nov-15 10:46:38

Hi. I've been in similar. The odd feelings now are because you are readjusting to a new reality.

When my marriage broke diwn, it was on the back of years of various stresses.

For several months I felt absolutely manic. High as a kite, undeserved elation, talking non stop, taking on challenges I'd never previously considered as I felt invincible...

It was exhausting!

But it was just my body responding to a new normal where all the shit I'd got used to living with every day had just gone and I had nothing weighing me down.

I finally found a 'new normal' and all was well.

It takes time though.

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 13:13:02

Yep, me too folkgirl
When I split from my ex I felt exactly the same but I think that a small part of me hoped it was going to force the abusers to look at their own behaviour. Alas that was not to be - typically he got worse and so did my parents, and that realisation has only just truely dawned on me I think.
Still have hopes of having a happy life and healthy environment for ds, it's bloody hard but that goal is the only thing that keeps me going!

also I think I still have too much involvement with the abusers on a day to day basis so that doesn't help.

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 14:06:31

I don't even want to look at this present and 'card' it makes me feel upset -I feel sad for my ds that they have decided to openly treat him as someone not very important by sending him a curt note and unwrapped present.
It feels like playground stuff and I am being targeted by bitchy behaviour and that person happens to be my own mother.
Makes me feel really low tbh sad

springydaffs Sat 07-Nov-15 16:16:13

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Google FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

There's a way through all this shit. You'll get there, especially if you get genned up about toxic parents/families.
You (we!) also chose a shit partner bcs of (y)our family history - it was all you (we) knew.

It's a journey but you'll get there.

BertieBotts Sat 07-Nov-15 17:15:25

Have you been on the Stately Homes thread, paper? I'm lucky in that it's not something I've experienced personally but I know a lot of MNers find them really supportive. I found the emotional abuse support thread really supportive when I was leaving my ex. Just nice to know that other people understand, really understand.

Give the toy to a charity shop unless he's already seen it and wants it. Another child can enjoy it without the nasty baggage attached smile

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 23:42:47

Thank you all x

I'm reading the toxic parents book Springydaffs, although the bit that's freaking me out somewhat is the chapter on confrontation. Apparently this is necessary to heal and move on. I can't even imagine doing this the reaction will be just awful.

outofpaper Sat 07-Nov-15 23:45:32

Bertiebotts, yes I think charity sounds like a good option, but makes me feel so guilty for being so horrible. But as you suggested it's got baggage and I can't feel happy with it being in the house.

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