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Relationship breakdown....

(15 Posts)
sheisme Fri 06-Nov-15 19:11:14

This could get long so please bear with me smile

My partner of almost 12 years had been spending more and more time out of the house. Hanging around with friends and just not wanting to be at home. When he was home things were tense, he had no intersest in me or the children (we have 3 together plus 2 more of mine from a previous relationship).

I think he is depressed. He is waiting on counselling but it seems so are half of our local town. He says he doesn't feel emotions at the moment. He knows he is treating me bad (as in not having time for me etc, no violence or anything like that). I wanted to try everything before calling it a day and he agreed but things got too much a couple of weeks ago and he decided he needed his own space and left.

So in the 2 weeks since he has gone i have felt like i can't cope like this. My heart is breaking. My rock is gone. I am dreading organising Christmas etc knowing he wont be here. It feels like he has just gone away and is happy carrying on as he was before. Spending time with friends etc. He says he is hurting too but he doesn't even know who he is anymore and it's killing him. He says he has left to make things better so that he can come back and we can all be happy. I am scared to get my hopes up as we will have 1 day where we communicate and he spends some time here and then once he goes i don't hear from him for days, unless i initiate contact.

He says he is not interested in anyone else and i do believe this but i worry he may decide to sleep with someone else on a whim. I have told him that if he is with anyone else there will be no chance or reconciliation. He has on the odd ocassion taken cocaine and i worry that will make him partake in risky behaviour.

He is on the man i used to know. He has changed so much and the last year we have grown more and more apart. He has been through a lot in his life and i don't know if it's all caught up with him and became too much.

I am stuck in a limbo where i dont know what direction to move in. I can't concentrate on my life alone with the kids when i am hoping he will come back. I can't imagine my life without him. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Do i leave him alone and not contact him? Only thing is i have no car at the moment and need him to take kids places.

Another thing is that i don't know what he is telling his friends is going on. We discussed separating a few months ago and he has told a girl on messenger that he was single even thought he wasn't. He said it meant nothing and he didn't even feel anything, he says he just feels numb but he knows he loves me and it's not me or the kids making him unhappy.

How on earth do i cope each day and try to get on with my life?

sheisme Fri 06-Nov-15 19:13:11

Argh sorry for spelling mistakes. Is there a way to edit my post??

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 10:50:13

Can anyone offer words of support? I have been sobbing my heart out again this morning sad I don't know how i can go on like this every day.

Ledkr Sat 07-Nov-15 11:02:37

It does sound as he has left emotionally as well as physically.
My advice woukd be to take charge of your life and not waste anymore of it trying to coax him back to you.
It's probably the last thing you feel like doing but in the current situation you are losing all your self respect and self worth.
Taking charge will not only make you feel better but will make him sit up and realise you are not just sat there waiting for him to do his thing and hoping he will return eventually.
He will realise that you are a person in your own right.

No 1 take charge of finances decide on what he pays and get it direct debt into your account.
No 2 arrange for him to take some bloody responsibility for his kids fgs!
He cannot expect to just have a damn good social life while you babysit!! Tell him he will be having them at certain times and if necessary go and stay somewhere while he stays at the house with them.
This will give your breathing space and you may even get to your own social life resurrected which again will make him realise you are a person and not just his kids nanny!
Cheeky sod, find your anger lady.

Ledkr Sat 07-Nov-15 11:04:29

Ps, I was in a similar limbo with my xh. I felt bloody fantastic when I finally took back the control.

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 11:06:55

Thank you Ledkr. I really think i need to tell him that i am considering this relationship over. He wont chat to me properly though, it just ends up with me talking and him saying nothing. I know he is out tonight at a fancy dress party and i don't even want to imagine what he will get up to. I need to move on for myself, i know that. But it is so hard to let go of almost 12 years. I don't have much family here so i'm basically on my own and it's miserable. I don't want to be alone forever but having 5 kids is going to put other men off for sure sad

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 11:08:09

If i could get my car back on the road it would be a big help! He was supposed to be helping me get a new one but he is taking his sweet time with that!! angry I can't afford a decent car on my own sad

ImperialBlether Sat 07-Nov-15 11:09:52

Hang on, he's going to a party while you're at home with his three children? Get hold of yourself, OP! He's just left you with all the work, hasn't he, while he's living life like a single man. I'd be signing him up for childcare duties on a very frequent basis if I were you.

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 11:15:15

I have tried discussing when he will have his children but he has been given emergency accommodation and it's a tiny 1 bedroom place. He doesn't have anywhere for them to sit to eat and to sleep. I need time off though, i can't go on like this. He is on the list for a 2 bedroom council house and hopefully it wont take long.

He was supposed to watching them next Friday night while i go to a friends and he informed me that he will be away for his birthday so i need to get my dad to babysit instead. I was absolutely raging about it because he had not told me in advance even though he insists he did.

ILiveAtTheBeach Sat 07-Nov-15 11:17:14

I agree with Imperial Drop by tomorrow with a rota. Be very upbeat. Tell him that you don't want to pressure him into coming home, so you've decided it's over. But, he needs to do X with the children on certain days. Tell him you want one night out at the weekend and he will have to babysit on a Friday or Saturday. When he comes over to babysit have your sexiest dress on one that shows a lot of Tit and be all made up looking lovely, and go out with the girls, don't come home till 1am, you get the drift. I'd fuck his head up big time. How dare he leave you dangling?! I wouldn't put up with that shit. The best way to get over a man, is to get under another one. Trust me, I've done it.

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 11:29:47

ILiveAtTheBeach i like that idea but my friends are all married with kids etc and rarely go out so that trumps those sort of plans i'm afraid.

changeoflife Sat 07-Nov-15 11:31:42

Sorry but I don't agree with the above advice.

Do whatever you need to feel better about yourself but don't try to win him back by being sexy, beautiful, flirty, making him jealous etc. If he loves you and wants to be with you it should be because of that. Not because you've done yourself up to impress him.

Personally I would take steps to start my life alone. Let him see you are moving forward with a life that doesn't include him. Get financial advice and then make it clear what his responsibilities towards you and the children. Put it in black & white. Life as a single father isn't going to be party party party!!

I'd want to hold my head up high and know I kept my dignity. If he chooses to come back then it will be because you have conducted yourself with strength & dignity.

It will be your choice if you decide to have him back!!

sheisme Sat 07-Nov-15 11:36:52

changeoflife what you've said is exactly what i know i need to do. I'm just struggling to do it. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I don't know how much of his behaviour is related to depression. Like i said, he really is not the same man anymore. He doesn't even know who he is!

I would love nights out although i wouldn't sleep with a man just because i could. That's not really my kind of thing. Flirting yes but no one night stands smile

Ledkr Sat 07-Nov-15 11:41:11

He can stay at the house while you stay at a friends surely.
How fucking dare he assume that you will just take full responsibility for the children while he parties?
What about money? Is he paying any or is it all going on his social life.
Deoressed my arse, he's taking the piss op, get some boundaries in place.
Oh and I had 4 kids and was remarried after 5 years after a lot of fun grin

changeoflife Sat 07-Nov-15 17:01:26

Trust me sheisme I do know exactly how you feel. My exh left in a similar fashion 3 years ago. I had a 5 & 2yr old at the time. He kept me hanging on, would he or wouldn't he return, type thing. It was horrendous. I literally cried for about 2 months, couldn't eat or sleep and didn't move forward at all just in case he came back.

After about 3 months I gave myself a stern talking to, got legal advice and made the separation more permanent. On my terms. It felt so good to take back some control, in a situation where I felt powerless.

It took me 6 months to accept he was not going to come back at which point I made some decisions about mine and the children's lives, moving on without him in it.

It's hard, I'm not denying that but it does get easier and the pain does lessen. I would never go back to him now even if he begged. It would be easier to, there is no doubt but I was never going to be his fall back option if his new single life didn't work out quite as shiny & rosy as he'd originally hoped.

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