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Why you should leave if he mistreats you - My life over ten years.

(14 Posts)
TheOnlyColditz Fri 06-Nov-15 15:06:00

Monday 5th December 2005

Knock on door, as I was off sick with bug and he was off sick with back, we were both home. He answered and tried to speak quietly to the woman. I heard the word rent, went to investigate. He had been given bit of paper by her, she beat a hasty retreat to her car when i started asking him about the rent. It was our housing officer, Tracy Silk.

I had to physically snatch the paper from him, he wouldn't let me have it. It was a notification of intention to take us to court to have us evicted for non payment of rent, in my name only.

I shouted at him loudly and for a long time, it has been agreed for 2 years that no matter what else we can't pay, we must pay the rent, and the way we had mutually agreed to divide the bills was that he pays rent NTL and TV license, I pay everything else.

He receives approx £170 per week wage, rent is £66, all the rest come to about
£25 per week. He had made 2 payments of £70 each in 8 weeks, leaving us, on 5/12/2005, £511 in arrears with our rent account.

He claims he did not realise he had not paid it, although it has to be paid cash at the post office. He claims he does not know where the money has gone. He handed over £190 towards the rent that day, out of his wallet, claiming he had no other money. I tell him I want him to leave, he refuses. I tell him I want some control over how he spends his money, he refuses. He will not let me see the details of his bank account. I tell him if he doesn't at least let me see what is going on in his account I will leave him and take son with me. He refuses, says it is his account, and I have no right to know where his money goes. I point out he is spending £140 per week, apparently on nothing at all. He denies this. I ask him where the money has otherwise gone. He says he doesn't know. I tell him we could try asking the bank if they have made charges. He says no.

I then walked down to local Teco shop to check balance, can't remember if I did so, but just neeeded to leave the house really. Got back 10 minutes later, he was lyin on the floor having seriously hurt his back, don't know how, he says he doesn't know.

After seeking medical advice for him I packed toddler into pushchair, and walked down to Latham House to pick up a prescription for Diazepam for him, get it at the chemist, and walked back. I felt extremely ill and weak as had been vomiting since Saturday 3rd December. I left him on the floor with a blanket and the phone.

I got back at 6:30 pm, made him and my toddler a cheese sandwich each, and started roasting the beef I had bought for that night's tea. Jp took a Diazepam, and vegged on sofa, ate his tea.

I put toddler to bed, Jp took 2 more Diazepam at about 11pm.

Next day, Tuesday 6th December, I rang in work for myself, explained I was still too sick to come to work, as I was. Rang in work for Jp, explained situation. Went to antenatal appointment.

Wednesday 7th December, went down to Post Office to pay rent off, withdrew £400 from my account to do so, paying £590. I have kept receipt.

Friday 9th December, Jp gives me £130, 66 of which I have put aside for him to pay the rent on Monday, the rest I have kept to pay for groceries etc.

Saturday 10th December, we have been arguing on and off for days now, he won't wash when I ask him to (because he hasn't washed/shaved/brushed teeth for days and I find it unhygienic). He goes out to see friends, despite being signed off work until Wednesday. He comes back smelling of cider and cigarettes, despite being on painkillers incompatable with alcohol, and despite promising me he won't smoke anymore as I am pregnant and we can't afford it.

When he falls asleep, I take his bank card down to the cash point, and have a look in his account. There is over £40 in there, he had told me the previous day he had given me all his money. I leave the money there, as I had only intended to look and won't take money without permission. As far as I know it is still there.

I go home and challange him about this, he says the money wasn't there on 9/12/05. I point out he has no other income that I know about apart form wage, which was paid in on 9/12/05. He says it wasn't there when he went to cashpoint. I insist it must have been there, and accuse him of lying. He says he went to Welby pub cashpoint, which he says is "dodgy" and cannot have shown full amount in account. I tell him this is absurd and accuse him of lying again.

I suggest we register his account on line to check what is going on in his account, as he doesn't seem to have any idea were money comes from, where it goes and why, and it is patently unsafe to have this situation when someone is in charge of paying the rent and has proven on several occasions now he is incapable of avoiding arrears on the account.

He says his bank doesn't allow online banking, he will have to go into branch. I say let's try anyway, find the page on the net, and enter his details, bar account details. He refuses to give them to me.

I have a desultory poke around, and go upstairs to toilet, come back downstairs and he has switched computer off, and unplugged it. I plug it back in, switch it on, he tells me to get off his computer. I tell him to get out of my house then. He says it is his house too. I say I pay for everything including the rent now, so it is my house. MORE IN COMMENTS

TheOnlyColditz Fri 06-Nov-15 15:08:03


Sunday 11th December, I am clearing up in porch and I find a receipt for £70 from the computer shop in the Mall, from August. He says it's not his, and he doesn't remember spending any money in there. I accuse him of lying again.

Sunday 11th December, 12 midnight. I get back from Sarah's and lose rag, have had enough. Wake him up to have a go, but manage to keep temper sufficiently to raise voice. He persists with 'don't know' replies. 4 am, I lose my temper, and throw his laptop out of the house, because I don't know who he is selling it for, he won't tell me, and I suspect it is stolen. So I throw it out of the front door. Then I cry on the sofa for 15 minutes, I can't stop, can hardly breather, am hysterical in fact. I go and check Jonathan is ok, he is lying in his cot, awake, and looks scared. I tell him it was the telly being very loud, and I have turned it down now. He looks a bit happier with this.

So I went back downstairs, and I lose my temper again, and kick the computer off the table. Shocked at myself, I stop trashing the place, and start packing mine and Jonathan's stuff int a bag, ready to leave when Jonathan wakes up. Jp started crying, and finally finally finally....

He tells me he has spent all the money on fruit machines. He swear it will never happen again, he will never touch them again, and he was too embarrassed to tell me. Oh, and he showed me his bank statements.

Wednesday 14th December. He stayed late at work for a beer. He says he paid part of the phonebill with that £40 that was in his account, but to be honest I can't see him paying part of it off. I cannot help wondering if he has put it all in a fruit machine. If his money starts disappearing again, I am going in to talk to his boss and colleagues. I will tell them exactly what he has done with what was essentially my month's wages.

I have hidden £130 from my dad to pay for the carpet. It is in my trumpet case. It seems hypocritical to hide money from him when I have been moaning about him doing it to me, but I cannot help feeling that he sees my bank account as his own personal overdraft, that he doesn't have to worry about whether or not he manages his money because I always manage mine. Well, no more. I am never letting on again that I have enough money to keep this family going without a hefty contribution from him. That might make sure he actually makes the contribution.

All is very quiet between us, he is being affectionate and has made a slight effort with his appearance, that has to be a good sign.

This note keeping observation was originally intended as a mere record of his behavior, to present in court or at the CAB if needed, but it seems to have turned into my diary. Never mind, he can't read it anyway.

Sunday 18th december, I think he might be paying for online gaming. Do you even have to pay? I don't know, but intend to find out soon. I haven't seen any details of his transctions since he showed me his last bank statement, when I ask him about things it's all gone back to 'Might do' and 'Don't know'.

I don't trust a word he says anymore. If he told me it was daylight I would start looking for the stars. I dont think I can ever forgive him for the disrespect he has shown this family. I hate him the majority of the time, especially at night when I can't sleep for worrying about how the hell I am going to pay for Christmas. I don't appreciate anything he does for me. I am stressed, depressed and miserable. I am dreading bringing another poor little boy directly under his influence. I have to get out of this relationship.

He says I have been planning this all along, the fucking idiot doesn't seem to see that his actions are those of someone who wants a relationship to end, mine are those of someone desperately trying to convince herself that everything will be ok in the end.

When I go, I will have to go fast, because he will try to snatch Jonathan. I wish I had left when I was pregnant. I wish his name was not on this tenancy agreeement. Sometimes I wish I had never seen his fucking face.

I am so nasty to him sometimes. I can't help myslf, I know it's wrong, but he treats me like a meal ticket. He doesn't sleep with me, he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't provide for me, he doesn't even look after himself, he waits for me to tell himn what to do, and I am sixc months pregnant and I can't handle this anymore. I wish I had the courage to just walk out on him. I haven't been happy for years.

Tuesday 20th December, he rang me at work and told me he want to take £40 a week out of our entire income, £20 of which to go to his mum for a long outstanding debt, and he would give me his bank card and therefore control of his account.

Dreading it a bit, can I control 2 bank accounts? I think I can do it better than he controls one. He sees it as failing, but it is just a skill he doesn't have, just like I struggle to get up in the morning, he struggles to control money.

Thursday 22nd December. Have bought Scott and his mother a Christmas present, these are the only ones I asked him to get, but he won't. And it isn't fair that they shouldn't get one. I have signed them from me though. He wanted to take Scott's round, but |I bought it and I chose it, he wasn't even there, he had put no thought into a present for Scott at all, so why should he get the thanks from him? I took it round myself.

Also, I got in contact with the CAB the other day, and and they rang me back on Tuesday. I forgot to say. Basically they want to give me 1/2 an hour with a solicitor after Christmas, to see what my options are. The lady at the CAB says what he has been doing is a form of abuse and a way of controlling me, which is funny as I am the one always being accused of being controlling. I will go to see the solicitor, but the thing is, I don't want him charged with abuse, and I don't want to leave him until I go onto maternity leave and don't have to go to work anymore, because I don't want him to be doing the childcare for Jonathan.

TheOnlyColditz Fri 06-Nov-15 15:08:41


Friday 23rd December. Jp comes home drunk and nasty from a night out spending money he hasn't got. He had taken my keys "to Scott's" with him, leaving me with no way of locking the front door. When I rang him at 00:40, he told me to "Can't you find my fucking keys?" (he had taken mine after being unable to find his) but did come home by one am. He had been at the pub, not at Scott's, although he had been with Scott. However, he wouldn't give me the keys so I could lock the door and go to bed. When I started nagging him for them, he switched the computer on and turned his back to me, still having not given me back my keys.

I reached down to turn the computer off, to try and make him listen to me. I wanted to tell him that I resented him spending money on beer, just before Chistmas, when I had spent loads on everyone's Christmas presents and on paying off the rent he never paid. He grabbed my wrist before I hadf chance to say anything and twisted it back. I told him twice he was hurting me and to let go, then I screamed at him to stop fucking hurting me, he wouldn't stop and kept twisting, so I bit him.

He pushed me backwards off the sofa (I had been leaning over the back) and started screaming at me to "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, you fucking bitch, you nasty fucking bitch, don't you fucking bite me you fucking bitch!". I walked round the sofa to the computer side to shout at him and he rammed the sofa into my belly and stomped upstairs. This physically hurt me, and put me on my knees for about 10 minutes. He scared me enough to make me want to leave so I started looking for my keys again, I checked his coat pocket for my keys and he came running down the stairs. I had his phone in my hand and I threw it, I didn't want him to start hurting me again to get his phone. He grabbed my wrist and started dragging me up the stairs on my stomach, shouting "Get out of my fucking coat, that's my fucking coat, don't you go in my fucking pockets you bitch, you fucking bitch!". He then stopped and stepped over me downstairs.

He went past me to the kitchen, got my keys from somewhere and threw them at me. They didn't hit me, he picked them up and threw them at me again, then he threw my phone at me. I was shouting at him to stop trying to hurt me.

He sat on the sofa, and lay back and closed his eyes, so I opened the front door, went upstairs and waited until I heard a snore, picked up my son and wrapped him in his duvet and ran down the stairs, out of the house and down the road, then I realised he would probably follow me so I turned into the estate, and the only person I really know is Karen Beatty so I went there. From there I called the police, they came, asked me if I thought I should go home and told me they would tell Jp to behave, wanted me to stay at Karen's, I asked them to contact Mum, so they did, I spent the night there.

I went back the next morning, as I had no clothes, shoes or nappies for Jonathan.

He has made all sorts of promises, but blah blah blah. He lies. That sums it all up really, he just cannot help telling lies, he is violent and selfish, and I just do not love him anymore. How can I love a man who would put a pregnant woman on the floor, when it's his child she is pregnant with? How can I love a man who would risk his child's house and security, just so he can spend his money how he pleases? I feel like slitting my wrists, knowing I am stuck with him forever because he fathered my children. I haven't got prenatal depression at all, he is trying to tell me I belong in a nuthouse, but I know what it is, I just live in intolerably stressful conditions. My bloody hair is dropping out by the handful. I want to cry all the time, I find life a struggle just to get up in the mornings. My day brings me nothing but tears and work. I have no money to spend on myself or the baby or Jonathan, because Jp has spent so much on himself, and despite his promises is still doing so. I hate him.

2nd January 2006, ok, putting a little perspective on this, I don't hate him, he just frustrates me by being unlivable. He has agreed that on Friday 6th January he will hand over his bank card to me, and I will take over his account. I will give him £40 per week, he will put £20 in a card for his mum every week. and I will watch him do this. The rest goes on bills.

Lets see if this works, because this is our last chance. I just wish I didn't live with such a child.

Monday the 9th January 2006. He has handed over his bank card, as promised. There is £140 in his account now, I am not intending to make any withdrawals from it except for rent and Jp's £40, £20 of which must go to his mum. I am going to leave a £150 to £200 float in there, but I am going to take the rest out and spend it on baby and house things, family stuff. I am not going to let too much build in his account because I pay for everything out of mine, and if he takes it into his head one day to spend money, I don't want him to spend all the money we have. The float I am leaving in there should cover all his bills he has going out.

God, he makes me laugh when he accuses me of wanting this relationship to end. I am breaking my bloody back trying to make it work!

March 5th 2006

He has been really good with his money. However today he disappear for 3.5 hours and came back drunk. I made him leave, Jonathan was distraught, couldn't understand why I was shutting the door in Daddy's face, but I won't have him drunk around my child, and after the way he treated me last time he got drunk, I'm not having him around me either.

What's really bugging me, is where he got the money for the beer from? He still has his bank card from Friday, I am hoping and praying he hasn't withdrawn from it.

May 21st 2006

Just discovered he has opened another e mail account purely for e bay messages. He had 3 DDs go out, in Nov, Dec and Jan, £17 each. He denies all knowledge of this, he denies all knowledge of the email address. he must think I am a fucking idiot.

I can't deal with the lies any more. I feel so sad and so betrayed. I hate his guts when he lies to me

Thursday September 7th 2006

The broadband got cut off last week, I had to cough up £100 to get it reinstated on Monday. We are behind with the rent - again. He gets at least £30 taken off hi9m per month bank charges.

My counciller is sending him to a budgeting guidance counceller.

I am glad I am keeping this record, as I know how long he has been doing it, I can't forget what he is like when I don't feel like rocking the boat. Everytime I read this, it reminds me of why I must not give up. I either have to control the finances as well as I can, or I have to leave him, because again and again and again, he is jeopardising my children's security.

I won't go into 2007 living with this sort of behavior, I must promise that to myself. QWe will never have anything if he keeps spending and spending and spending.

Saturday March 3rd 2007

After he was arrested a week last Friday and taken to magistrates court, and then hitting me around the face during an argument, I called the police to make him leave. He hasn't slept here since. He is still seeing a lot of the children, which is good, but when they go to bed he has to go back to his room above the chippy. And it is hard when he leaves, it is hard when he is not here to help with the dinner and bathtime, but now if we argue I can tell him to leave.

jonathan is devastated, and clingy, and his asthma has kicked off.

Sunday 3rd June 2007

Three months ago, Jp was told to leave by the police, and since then we have endured a bittersweet semi relationship, with him still living above the chip shop, and still seeing the kids daily.

I have found him registered on numerous dating websites, and despite his claims than they are 'only to make friends' or 'just to have a laugh', I have found he has been replying to emails from russian girls, claiming to enjoy 'sex on the side' and asking for pictures of them.

Have I got any standards LEFT? I keep letting this man in my house. i buy his shopping when he can't afford to buy his own. He sees the kids as and when it is conveniant for him.

Why am I letting him use me like this?

Last time I spoke to him about him contacting other girls, he apologised deeply for hurting me and promised never to do it again.

Guess he lied about that too. he didn't ever give a shit about me after all - I cannot fucking believe I have deluded myself so efficiently for so long.

15th September 2008

Do you know, I am so glad I did this.

I had forgotten the majority of this.

I remember myself as a bad mother and a nagging nightmare, and I had forgotten entirely what it was like to like with him.

One day, I will put this piece of writing out there, probably on mumsnet, for other people to see that there is a way out, there is light at the end of the tunnel, that a life on benefits can be better than the one you leave behind.

I am settled now. I am never frightened of the post or of Jp drinking, gambling or frittering money. If he fritters his money, I feed him - or sometimes he goes hungry.... but that's up to me. I don't have to feed him, I don't have to compromise what I give my children because he won't compromise what he gives himself.

He moans constantly that he's skint you know - this despite the fact that he earns 40% more than what he did while he lived here. What I know, and what he will never admit, is that the reason he wasn't skint while he was living here was because he lived his life as a parasite.

I love him. I see his face in my children (my beautiful, beautiful children, who deserved so much more and probably won't ever get it) but they are my children. I have them away from his behavior. I can refuse entry if I don't like what I see. I have my sad moments - shame at living on income support, misery when I see other people having jobs they enjoy and feel proud of - but the pressure, for the most part, is off.

I'm glad I wrote this.

I'm glad I came back and read it.

6th November 2015!

It's funny, and frightening, to read this now. Six months after my last post, I met the nicest man. I fell head over heels with him, and he seemed to do the same with me, he certainly said so at the time, although he now tries to claim he was booby blinded. And much as it would be lovely to have a written record of our relationship, I was too busy being happy, and I still am.

I've dug this up because I still get flashbacks. When a man is drunk, when someone throws something down in a fit of temper, unexpected bills, even my fiancee making me jump in a should-have-been-funny stunt, they can all leave me shaking and tearful.

As for JP, well.

Jonathan has a dot tattoo, on his hand, that Jp's 'friend' put there when Jonathan was seven or eight. It was a dirty needle, so HIV and Hep test was necessary. On my child.

He got a girl of 22 pregnant, despite being nearly 40. The child is dirty, underweight, and aggressive.

He and his girlfriend perpetrated fraud in my name using a catalogue. Actually using about eight catalogues, although she applied to fifteen, and ran up about £1500 in debt in my name. This has taken years to put right and still shows on my credit account.

Daniel was so distressed at the way Jp treated Olivia (his half sister) that he started asking Drew (my fiance) to make armour for her.

SO now we use a supervised contact centre for access. And I do feel so very sad for my children, that it came to this, but considering Jp assaulted Jonathan at the actual contact centre this year (slapping and dragging him up the stars because he tried to leave the room), I cannot imagine how much worse he would have been if he wasn't supervised.

All is as well as it could be. I wish I could shake the nightmares but it is nevertheless better than living it.

Seriouslyffs Fri 06-Nov-15 15:15:21

I remember the tattoo incident and I'm so sorry you went through so much else.
You're a strong woman.

FlameProofBoots Fri 06-Nov-15 15:16:35

I remember your posts about him at the time, years ago. I'm so happy you've moved on, you should be very proud of the life you've built.


LifeOfBriony Fri 06-Nov-15 15:20:29


TheOnlyColditz Fri 06-Nov-15 16:10:39

It's horrible for me to read, you know. I start getting panicky, because I KNOW what happens next. I don't know why I keep reading but I do

53rdAndBird Fri 06-Nov-15 16:19:01

Bloody hell, OP. So glad you got out. flowers

My ex did some similar things and I still feel a horrible tight feeling in my stomach whenever a bill arrives. It has got better over the years, though, as have the nightmares and that awful panicky flashback feeling. It does get better flowers

Jux Fri 06-Nov-15 19:04:07

flowers I remember some of your story, Colditz. So glad you're out and that life is looking up for you.

Wotsitsareafterme Sat 07-Nov-15 07:32:40

The armour comment absolutely kills me. Hug x

Joysmum Sat 07-Nov-15 09:53:16

The bloje was a cunt. I know what you mean about the re-reading thing.

I had to record my issue and then listen to that recording everyday to take the sting out of it and realise I'd done the hard bit and it wasn't going to get any worse so I could face it.

It helped me flowers

RaspberryOverload Sat 07-Nov-15 16:04:18

Colditz I remember some of your posts. Sounds like you're in a better place now, and hope it continues to get even better.

winkywinkola Sun 08-Nov-15 07:06:23

So what's happening with the half sister? Is she still living a life of misery or has she been taken into care?

TheOnlyColditz Sun 08-Nov-15 11:26:52

Nope, as far as I know, she is still living a life of misery. She has been in full time nursery since she was eighteen months old, which was funded by the social services, so she is out of the house under the care of mandatory reporters for eight hours a day, and as I haven't actually seen her for two years, I have nothing to report.

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