Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

would someone being 'separated' put you off?

(80 Posts)
ToddlerTantrums Thu 05-Nov-15 22:38:20

Just read on another thread someone saying that if a new potential partner was 'separated' and not divorced it would put them off. I'm separated and it had never occurred to me that it would be an issue for a new partner? I'm not looking for a relationship right now so not an immediate issue just wondering?

BackforGood Thu 05-Nov-15 22:46:56

Well yes. It means they are still tied in to that relationship, in my perception - they've not finalised / drawn a line under / put a real full stop / whatever phrase you want to use the fact that the relationship is over - it's seems that they are leaving an 'open door'.

curiousc88t Thu 05-Nov-15 22:48:21

If married and not divorced there are implications short and long term

Much better to get divorced and have a clean fresh start

Clean slate

AnyFucker Thu 05-Nov-15 22:49:28

yes

because they are still married to someone else

get a divorce if you want to date again (not you, obvs)

ToddlerTantrums Thu 05-Nov-15 22:52:03

My issue is I don't think my ex would agree to a divorce meaning it'll be long, messy and expensive. I've only been separated a couple of months but from what I understand you need to be apart 2 years to divorce without his agreement?

AnyFucker Thu 05-Nov-15 22:53:57

start the process at least ?

Drquin Thu 05-Nov-15 22:54:47

Honestly, it would depend "how" separated ...... There's a difference between meeting someone the day after he's split from someone, and meeting him days away from divorce being finalised. Both could describe themselves as "separated".

Seeyounearertime Thu 05-Nov-15 22:56:11

Wouldn't bother me just reading it like on a profile, I'd want the details though. That way I could decide to proceed and expect drama or move on.

UnGoogleable Thu 05-Nov-15 22:57:39

My DP told me he was divorced when I met him... a few months in he confessed he wasn't quite divorced yet, he was separated and going through the divorce.

He hadn't told me because he thought I wouldn't have agreed to date him if I'd known. He was right, I wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole. But as it turned out, I'm glad he lied, because the divorce was finalised soon after (all the messy wranglings had already happened) and all was fine.

I have a friend who is separated, actively dating and is in no way emotionally attached to her ExH. She just can't face the divorce just yet because of the hassle. So she's emotionally available to date. But there's always the gamble that when the divorce happens the shit will hit the fan, so there could be a lot of crap for any future BF of hers to deal with.

Haffdonga Thu 05-Nov-15 22:57:52

It depends.

I wouldn't see someone who is unmarried but in a committed relationship as 'available' just because they don't have a bit of paper proving they're legally conjoined.

Nor would someone who is permanently and irrevocably separated from a previous spouse 'unavailable' just because the legal process hasn't been completed.

(Depends on why they're not divorced.)

TempusEedjit Thu 05-Nov-15 22:58:57

Divorce is two years separation with consent, five years without or you can go for it straight away if you cite unreasonable behaviour.

AnyFucker Thu 05-Nov-15 23:00:10

I can see the merit in "clap your hands 3 times and you are divorced" smile

HormonalHeap Thu 05-Nov-15 23:02:28

Yes depends.. when I was divorced I met dh who was just seperated. It was his positive attitude though that set him apart from the rest- I went on dates with some miserable bastards. Eventually dh got divorced, just took time to come to agreement with ex. So I think it depends on the circumstances, and even more on the person!

ToddlerTantrums Thu 05-Nov-15 23:07:59

Thanks for your responses.

Unreasonable behaviour is definitely what I would put down anyway so I don't need to wait for that?

ALaughAMinute Thu 05-Nov-15 23:24:01

Sometimes people go through a trial separation don't they?

I wouldn't date someone someone who was separated.

MirandaWest Thu 05-Nov-15 23:26:56

Both DP and I were separated when we met each other. Both divorced now but we were both definitely not wanting to be in our old relationships

NotTheSpiceOfLife Thu 05-Nov-15 23:27:21

I've been with my partner for 5 years. Before we got together, I had been separated for 18 months.

I'm still not divorced. Can't afford it.

RedF0x Thu 05-Nov-15 23:30:18

yes it would put me off.

Toffeelatteplease Thu 05-Nov-15 23:33:50

No you don't need to wait for unreasonable behaviour.

ToddlerTantrums Thu 05-Nov-15 23:49:11

It seems pretty split then. I guess if I met someone who was separated but seemed unsure it would put me off, or recently separated I would think there was a chance of them getting back together but after say 12 months I don't think I'd mind.
Think I might stay single forever, much less hassle

ouryve Thu 05-Nov-15 23:51:43

It didn't put DH off, but then he knew that I'd left ex without letting him know where I was going because I'd long since had enough.

TempusEedjit Thu 05-Nov-15 23:58:07

As long as you've been married for at least one year then you don't need to wait for unreasonable behaviour (assuming you are in England/Wales).

He could contest it but it would be pointless as the judge would see that you wouldn't be making such allegations unless your marriage had irretrievably broken down. If your ex isn't happy with the unreasonable behaviour examples then he can respond to the divorce petition by saying that although he doesn't agree with your reasons he does agree to the divorce.

It's not like the reasons are put down on your decree absolute for all to see, and as divorce is "non-fault" in all but very extreme circumstances it won't affect the settlement etc.

Smorgasboard Thu 05-Nov-15 23:58:37

So, dating a married man for a good while, he was separated and living alone for well over a year. Did a serious chat before allowing to meet my son after about 8 months of knowing - clearing up intention to divorce etc.
Nearly 2 years on, no change, still married, occasional meal at marital home with wife and grown up children, slightly irksome.
Somewhat disappointed, but pragmatic. I would never entertain this from the start again, but it also suits me at the moment to just date on a weekend. We get on, nice and helpful in many ways and really would not be up for putting myself through the hassle of starting up again or being single and alone, until my son is at a more independent age (dated plenty enough) - then there is his school and a life with me that is settled and ticks along fine, great kid, pals at times, share humour, fun times.
Very clear would never live with a married man, and he remains status of boyfriend to my mind and not a partner. Having said that, it is what it is and its nice and there are many enjoyable times had. Just got to be realistic in these situations and know that there is probably a time limit on it.
So, its fine to date married, I'd say much better if in the process of divorce as then there is clear intent. Somehow, I would not find much comfort in a divorce occuring because of me, whicj is why I never push. If someone does not want to get divorced on their own back - well, that just lacks enough gumption anyway.

TempusEedjit Fri 06-Nov-15 00:00:58

Btw to answer your actual question I was separated when I met my now DH, I was originally going to go for a two year separation but petitioned my ex on unreasonable behaviour as soon as I realised my new relationship was serious.

Now-DH wasn't put off as such but I didn't feel right still being married to someone else.

NeuNewNouveau Fri 06-Nov-15 00:06:30

Would definitely put me off. When I met now DH he was separated and had been separated for two years. I asked him if he was getting divorced because I wouldn't get involved otherwise. That was on a Saturday and he was at the solicitors on the Monday starting the process.

His ex was surprised as it seemed not to have occurred to either of them to actually get the divorce started. She was living with someone else then.

I just didn't want to get involved with a man who was attached to someone else.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now