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Help I am suffering from an unrequited infatuation(107 Posts)
I've developed an inappropriate obsession with a male work colleague and am not sure how to make it stop. For years we were just mates, then we spent some time working on a project together and he was very understanding whilst I was going through a stressful work situation. Seeing this new side to him, and the fact that I've been single for far too long, meant I slowly started to developed feelings for him (basically started to fancy the pants off him). However, he has a DP so i never said / did anything and probably actually give off negative vibes to hide my feelings.
After the feelings developed I became jealous of him working closely with other female colleagues, became overly nosey about his life, and starting following his movements on social media very closely. This led to me feeling very guilty about the obsession and behaving quite weirdly around him. At the moment I'm keeping my distance from him but I am still obsessed with where he is, what he's doing etc. I've even attempted to log into his work email account to find out why he's on annual leave.
This all makes me sound like a hormonal schoolgirl but in fact I'm in my late 30s. I know that no contact would be the ideal way to go but I see him at work virtually every day, and every time I see him it sets off the god i really like you feelings again. I'm dabbling with OD, but no dates yet, to try and take my mind off it.
Any other suggestions, or just some harsh words about how stupid I'm being, would be useful.
I've been through similar when I was in my early 20s. It's awful and I cringe with embarrassment when I think about it now. If I were you I'd try to move to a different job.
Well, you have to take control. Stop snooping and being so very creepy. Cos it is, and trying to hack his work email is bunny boiler territory. Plus will get you fired.
When you feel tempted, very deliberately do something else, call a friend, turn off social media, go for a walk, read a book. Stop indulging your obsession.
If you get caught trying to log in to his email you will get sacked. Consider what that would mean and then take yourself somewhere quiet and have a serious conversation with yourself. Infatuations suck but as a grown woman you really ought to be able to deal with it.
anyfucker OP has come on to bare her soul to strangers, knowing fully well her behaviour is out of order and weird but hoping people can advise her how to break her Ray obsession and all you've got to say is 'get a fucking grip'? Did you feel really tough saying that?
I've had much the same recently except I don't stalk him online and I haven't tried to log into his emails!
If you were to write a list of the things he has said/done to encourage you, would it be a long list?
Mine was about a dozen fairly flirty comments, I've had more from other colleagues, none of whom I felt anything for but with him I felt like they were a huge deal until I too 'got a grip'.
It's a useful exercise for a little perspective.
I think it pretty much sums it up, tbh
banshee, you do it your way and I'll do it mine, mm'kay ?
If you're following him on social media then you shouldn't have to hack his office email account to find out why he's taken annual leave.
I'm betting he took some time off to play golf or go fishing, but now his missus has got him decorating instead; seems to happen to all the men I work with.
Take it one day at a time, like an alcoholic. Every day refuse to do any following, avoid him as much as possible, and without the oxygen of contact the nasty Infatuation Monster will eventually shrink away and die.
Hiding behind your screen posting spiteful messages to someone already suffering and asking for help just because it's over the Internet is NEVER okay. It's mean and uneccessary, but I think you like to think you're really tough and hard hitting .
I have had the same screen name for years. You can search for it. Not exactly "hiding" since the use of real names is not encouraged on here.
I see your posting history is quite short, banshee. Do you have a comment about that ?
I have two limerance stories OP. Once I got a very powerful crush on a man 20-odd years older than me who I worked with. We used to flirt but he had a partner and I was married so nothing ever happened, although I was actually distraught and missing him when I got another job. My husband knew about it too, which made things worse, but we stuck together even though our marriage had already begun to unravel. Then I actually had an affair with a guy I worked with at my new job. He'd just broken up with his girlfriend, I was sympathetic and after a few drinks one night we ended up kissing. We had a two week, very intense affair, after which he decided to end it. However I, to my eternal shame, was obsessed with him and kept trying to get him back. Anyway, my husband and I separated after that and we were divorced soon after and I got over this guy, but I wasted the best part of a year obsessing about him. Looking back I don't know why, as he really wasn't all that.
Anyway, about a year after I separated from my ex I randomly bumped into guy number 1, the older man, in a pub and it turned out that he had been obsessed with me too! We ended up meeting a few times and kept in touch while I was overseas for a month, but something didn't feel right for me. Anyway, his partner found out, he blamed me (of course) and it all ended a it miserably but the year after that I met my current DP, who I now have a baby with, and life is good.
So I guess the moral of the story OP, is that it can get better and you will survive this. You just need to find something else to do. Stop flirting with online dating and just get out there and do it!
Anyfucker You're now starting to sound seriously unhinged!
if I was illegally logging into someone else's work emails I would hope someone would give me a short, sharp shock too
hello there, broken. I think you must have forgotten the hours of patient support I gave you. Stable marriage or no stable marriage.
I have a friend who does this all the time. She develops fixations on colleagues, think they are flirting of giving her longing looks, stalks them on social media. I think she does it because she is bored and lonely, and a relationship that is imaginary is easier to control. You don't actually have to do the boring getting hurt/ sharing bit of being in a real relationship. Stop stalking him and occupy yourself in other ways. If he wants to be with you, he will leave his partner and be with you. In the meantime, stop wasting your time.
Right. Firstly, if I see the word limerence ever again... it's ridiculous and self indulgent nonsense and talking about it only reifies it.
However, crushes on unavailable friends and colleagues are part of what makes the world a better place!
I rather like to have a crush on someone. My current crush is older than me, has no idea, is married, will never know... but he is just so lovely... <sigh> there are times when I have my maybe he and his wife will split up and he'll turn up on my doorstep moments...
But the reality is, I'd rather he had a long and happy marriage with a wife he loves. Why? Because it's the fantasy of him that I adore. Not the reality of him forgetting to mow the lawn, spending far too much time out with his mates and leaving his pants inside out on the bathroom floor (they all do it )
You just have to stop yourself doing the daft/loony/immoral stuff like reading his work emails and internet stalking him, and enjoy the little heart flutters and butterflies.
Roll your eyes and tell yourself to stop being a plonker if you catch yourself doing/thinking something daft about him and physically brace yourself against the feelings. That's the way to handle it. Mooning over him will make it worse.
All those feelings are doing is reminding you that when you meet someone who is right for you, you will be capable of having those feelings for them.
AF's biggest fan I am not but 'hiding behind a screen' and 'sounding unhinged' are not phrases that can be levelled in this case...
Have you considered changing jobs abbi?
It's a big life-changing ask on your part, but you can't just switch these feelings off and it sounds like yours have really gotten the better of you making it a really tough situation to control. Maybe a new scene would help. There's something to be said for 'Out of sight. Out of mind'. And often fixations are kinda weird like that. They're quite superficial and you might be surprised at how relatively quickly you'll get over him by moving away from the environment he shares with you.
You might be a whole lot happier.
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