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Need Advice: Husband with Depression.(9 Posts)
Hi this is my first post but I've lurked.
Will try to give you the facts. I apologise for the long and whiney nature of this post.
Been together with H 5 years.
Married 3 years.
DD is 2 and wonderful (not bias...).
Marriage gradually been going downhill since DD born.
H is distant, shows little interest in DD or I. Regularly says he loves us but I don't feel he shows it, my family agree.
He will frequently ignore DD when she speaks to him, preferring to busy himself in phone (net) or tablet (games). When challenged he'll sigh and say "I was talking to her" or "I am watching her" lying etc. Consequently I do not leave DD with him. He actually says "I couldn't look after all day like you do".
I cannot remember the last time he said anything nice about my appearance without prompting by somebody else (fair enough I guess; I'll admit I'm no stunner!) but I have tried to make an effort and do compliment him.
We've had no sex life for a while and when we have attempted anything it's been quite one sided towards his pleasure without much regard for me.
He seems to have little empathy for anyone and can only see how any circumstance effects him. Any situation is quickly brought back to how he feels.
He is on antidepressants from the GP but when he is expected to go counselling he tells them he feels fine and they discharge him. He sometimes seems to only be depressed when he can use it as an excuse. This makes me feel like an awful person, especially since I have worked in the past with young people with severe depression. I'm really not a cold hearted person.
He has no problems with work, seems to enjoy it and do well. He just doesn't particularly seem to enjoy being around DD and I. The one counselling session he did attend he stated he doesn't particularly enjoy weekends with us but couldn't really explain why. They then promptly discharged him.
He actively enjoys highlighting the faults in others such as my family and few friends but cannot see any fault in himself. As a result of his strange attitudes we don't seem to have many friends anymore so I don't have anyone to confide in aside from family who are sympathetic towards me and see his faults the same as I do.
If I cry he will not comfort me. But instead will later ask if I want a hug and when I refuse because it is inappropriate at that time he'll use it against me at a later date. "I asked you yesterday if you wanted a hug". Sounds funny reading it but its really not.
When he excuses his poor behaviour with depression I feel like we spend our days tiptoeing around making sure he is OK. I hate the thought that my DD will think its a woman's job to tiptoe around so not to upset a man. I asked what he felt was a hood Christmas present for DD and he replied " I don't know, what does she like?"
However he wasn't always like this and can be helpful and kind. If I was to ask him to drive us to another town he almost certainly would. However he would probably be largely silent and have no particular conversation.
We've spoke about splitting and he says he doesn't want to because he loves us. I say he needs to show it. He says he does.
I feel like I live with a lodger who doesn't like me.
I just do not know what to do.
He sounds like he doesn't like his life tbh. No counsellor can convince him to enjoy family life. Have you told him if he doesn't like family life then to leave? It sort of sounds like your on his case a lot over everything but nobody is thinking of a solution.
Certain jobs and situations just aren't for everybody and can make them miserable. Maybe family life isn't what he thought?
Life sounds utterly miserable for you OP. Do you get anything nice, good, fun from your relationship with him?
The thing is - it doesn't actually matter that much whether he's depressed, or how badly, or how long its been going on for. What matters is the impact on you and DD. It sounds like he has no enthusiasm for being around either of you. That's just not good enough when it comes to his daughter, or his wife who he claims to love. Why would he want to split? He's got someone who does 100% of the childcare so he doesn't have to deal with his daughter and no doubt you're doing most of the housework as well.
'I feel like I live with a lodger who doesn't like me'
Do not underestimate the damage that living like this will do to your emotional wellbeing. And your concerns about your daughter growing up with unhealthy messages about a woman's role in the home are spot on too.
You don't have to wait for his say so. If the relationship is not working for you, you can decide to end it.
I think you will need to be the one to end this farce of a marriage, because your H is too cowardly to do so. (Or maybe he thinks family life is supposed to be miserable, who knows?)
Some people simply aren't suited to family life. It doesn't make them evil bastards, it just means they shouldn't get married and have kids.
Doesn't sound like depression, what you describe is a shallow, bored, miserable man who is disappointed with his lot in life. Some people have a miserable disposition.
Any person can say the words, "I love you" and profess love. Words are cheap after all, its actions that count.
Re your comment:-
"I hate the thought that my DD will think its a woman's job to tiptoe around so not to upset a man".
Well do not do so. You are also currently showing her that all this ill treatment from him is acceptable to you on some level. This is no relationship model for her to at all learn from. What do you think she is learning from the two of you about relationships here?.
You do not need his permission to end this relationship.
Thank you all for your replies. It really helps and makes me feel better that it really is unreasonable of him to act like this. The lying and denial of wrong doing really gets frustrating and makes me question my own sanity.
Yes MoopyMoodle I've frequently told him that he is free to go anytime but he says he wants to stay because he loves me and DD.
Lottapianos, you are correct, I do the majority of housework, all cooking and all childcare.
Another upsetting thing he will do is if he bumps into an old friend or colleague from before we met they will ask "what you up to these days" and he'll reply "not much" and leave me and DD stood there like part of the scenery...is it so much to ask to be mentioned?
I worry that if I do leave him I will be forever more on my own and yet I can see this could be better than being unhappy (plus effect on DD). I actually used to be quite independent.
Its funny what life does to you isn't it?
Why do you think you woudo be on your own forever ? Lots of single parents meet someone . Is that the only reason you are staying ?
'I worry that if I do leave him I will be forever more on my own and yet I can see this could be better than being unhappy (plus effect on DD). '
Living with someone like him sucks the life out of you - all the ambition, all the joy, all the spontaneity. You become a different person - a shadow of your former self. You can absolutely 100% get it back though. You say you used to be quite independent - no reason you couldn't be again. It's incredibly liberating to be free of such a person and the anxiety around what sort of mood he will be in, what he might be thinking, what's going on with him, whether its all worth it etc etc etc.
I suffer from depression and so does my DP. It can be very very tough and at times its very frustrating. However, he has never ever taken me for granted, used me as a skivvy or made me feel anything less than important. From my POV, I hope I have never made him feel unimportant because having his support through my illness has been everything to me. I don't think there are any excuses left for how your man treats you. It sounds like he makes you feel like dirt, and your DD too. You do not have to live like this.
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