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do I keep trying?

(13 Posts)
helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 10:51:41

Been lurking a while, nearly posted a thread yesterday but wrote it all down first. This made me realise what I needed to do. However my courage failed me.

Have been with DH 25 yrs from age 15, married for 15 yrs. We have 3 DC, DS is13 and DD twins 10.

We have been through a lot together, financial worries, having twins, I have had cancer treatment which still hangs over our heads as incurable. Hardly any wonder we have both ended up with depression.

He does little round the house, I feel as I no longer work that I should do it but just don't have the energy or motivation. Anything DIY related takes an age and 6 months of prompting (me nag? no never). To be fair his depression probably leaves him unmotivated for that sort of thing too.

Since the cancer shake up I want more out of life. I want to do more things that make me happy rather than satisfying the families needs. He's never had a problem with me going out with friends but admitted jealousy that he doesn't have that friendship outside of us. I went to a music festival this yr and he complained I didn't contact him much and was basically worried I was going to meet someone- despite dropping daughters off to me part way through.

He snores horrendously which means I am disturbed. He gets upset that I want to be in another room, or if I want to go to bed before him in the hope I'll be in a deep sleep and won't hear him. Again in fairness when threatened with divorce he has seen the doctor and is scheduled for a sleep clinic on Monday.

He thinks I don't want to spend time with him in the evenings when I go for a bath, I just don't want to sit in front of the tv all night with little conversation. We don't have anything in common but the children.

I am having an emotional affair I suppose with someone I used to be close to. No declarations of love or lust, just general chat and showing an interest in me and it brightens my day. Logistically it couldn't go any further either so am under no illusions there. I know it is wrong and has made me think if I can be doing this then I need to end our marriage.

I tried yesterday, although in a round about way rather than direct "its over". Cant seem to say those words. DH was lovely, promised to help more, to think of some way we can reconnect (kids always around, no help), get a sofa bed downstairs so have somewhere proper to go and be more understanding about my need for rest. I agreed to keep trying, but this morning I just feel disappointed with myself for being weak. I don't want to crush him or the family, I just don't know what to do.

I guess I just want some views on all this, is there hope?

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 05-Nov-15 11:03:21

He doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy, OP...

Ruining your fun by dropping daughters off to you at your music festival, stropping that you want to sleep separately for your own wellbeing, ...

Having an EA is wrong, but you know that, which is why you tried to tell him it is over.

But you fudged that. Can you say why? Is it over and you're just feeling too guilt-ridden and obligated to say it? The fact that you felt disappointed this morning does suggest that.

You have cancer. I am so sorry. It means that you need to listen to that impulse to enjoy your life. That's your job regardless of whether you have an illness or not, and it's good that that drive to live fully is what his been brought out in sharp relief along with your diagnosis. Enjoy your life. You deserve it.

MatrixReloaded Thu 05-Nov-15 11:47:23

An emotional affair will really negatively affect how you feel about your husband. How long have you been involved with this man for , and how was your marriage before he was on the scene ?

Do you feel able to end this emotional affair ?

helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 12:18:55

Ricecrispie I have been feeling like this for a while, and my reason for staying has been because the children have been through a lot with my illness, and are likely to have to do so again - I didn't want to put them through this again. Do love my husband and don't want to hurt him, don't want to throw 25 years down the drain. I feel guilty about what it will do to all of us.
Matrix, I have been in contact with him for about 15 months, but was a facebook message every few months. We were going to meet up as in same area at same time but never happened. DH knew about that. I guess a slow increase in amount of contact at first, but from about September almost daily. He has long distance relationship and I suppose I make him feel less lonely, I don't know, we haven't discussed what we get out of it or our real relationships. He is away for couple of weeks and no contact so can take stock a bit.

helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 12:19:48

sorry shouldn't be again should be as well.

helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 12:28:41

state of my marriage before? I was misdiagnosed for 2 yrs, in which time I put on weight, had thinning hair, depression, anxiety and just general feeling ill constantly. My DH has always used put downs and I used to take it as banter and him showing off if you like in public but would be nice on our own. However when I was that low it ceased to be amusing. After a night at the races with friends he was particularly cruel for want of a better word. my friends held a sort of intervention to say how they didn't like the way he spoke - his dad also said words to this effect. I defended him.
Once the diagnosis happened that has all changed, we had to pull together and also face the possibility of losing each other and him moving on in time.
I thought the previous behaviour was forgiven but maybe I haven't.

ScribblerOnTheRoof Thu 05-Nov-15 12:29:05

I don't think you will be able to make any rational decisions whilst there is an emotional affair going on

MatrixReloaded Thu 05-Nov-15 12:30:42

I'm a bit confused Op. You say you love your husband and that you don't want to throw 25 years away, but you also say you've stayed for the children and tried to tell him it's over.

Do you actually want a divorce , or do you want things to improve ?

helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 12:34:18

I love him in as much we have so much history and the children together. As to do I want to divorce or improve things? You're not the only one confused. It goes backwards and forwards. Yesterday I thought I had resolved it was over, yet when it came to it I couldn't.

gatewalker Thu 05-Nov-15 13:23:46

I can feel that heart-tug of desperately not wanting to hurt your DH, hel, and that is not a reason to stay.

I would not keep trying; I would leave and live the life you want to live while you can. This doesn't mean you don't love him, not at all. But I cannot see any meaningful reason to stay together. Things pull into sharp relief when illness shifts priorities.

Follow your heart. I'm not talking about the emotional affair, but rather the life - your own life - that's waiting for you.

flowers

Muddypatches Thu 05-Nov-15 15:31:27

I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been with DH for 7 years and we have two young children. I've been toing and froing for the last 2 years as to whether to leave or not. In that time I've been asking DH to work with me on mending our relationship and trying to change the things that are wrong but nothing has happened and things have got worse.

I finally sat down 2 weeks ago and said I want to separate. He told me he's had an epiphany and that he's going to change and everything will be better, but something in me has completely broken and I'm past that now. I've agreed to try (for him for the first time, for me for the last time). In my head I'm planning to leave in January.

I'm having a full blown affair which started about 3 months ago. I felt completely unloved and needed some real human contact. It's not affecting my judgment as I know that I've to leave for a very long time. It might last and it might not, but I know I can cope on my own no matter what.

The things that I've learnt about adults over the last 2 years:
You are responsible for your happiness.
If someone doesn't want to be happy, you can't make them so.
Whatever happens after you leave is not your responsibility.

PM me if you want the whole tale or to talk more about all this.

helhathnofury Thu 05-Nov-15 17:23:33

Thank you gatewalker and muddy patches. I may pm you tomorrow as hoping tonight we can talk a bit more.
Was thinking see how weekend goes so doesn't affect his sleep study thing. Maybe setting a time scale to see a difference would help as well, though following a previous talk things improved then slid back. Whilst horrible to know others feel the same, it is good to have someone know what I'm feeling.

helhathnofury Sat 07-Nov-15 11:54:53

Well the "connecting" and things changing not exactly starting well. Didn't get chance to talk on thurs as fil came round. Fri DH not at work, seemed a little off first thing but I asked if wanted to go out somewhere for breakfast. I get "if you want" - not in a sullen way but "yes that would be lovely" would have been a nicer reply.
We had already planned to go to ikea (enough to test the best marriages I suspect), I drove and we didn't chat much. Had a misunderstanding in the shop which involved me mentioning his snoring which he took offence at. Trying to direct me driving on the way home and I got flustered and snapped - I apologised straight away- he sulked.
Said today he would do some sanding down and filling in the bathroom so we can complete decoration in there -if he had time, I asked if any other plans - he hadn't. He has now jumped on the fact DD wanted to go to cinema and has taken her to see james bond.
It all seems so petty, but was hoping for at least a few days of him seriously trying to give me hope.
Muddypatches I have had a look at your other threads and can see so much similarity.
The house is joint names and mortgage paid off, I was retired off work for ill health and get a very small pension, so I really don't know if I can afford to leave either.

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