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Practical help for cheated on friend :(

(11 Posts)
SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 10:19:20

I hate mumsnet (not really!)
Reading these boards has enlightened me greatly. My very good friend has just found out her partner and father of ber child has been having an affair for the last 6 months.
I live in overseas and we chat on messenger a lot. She has been sharing with me her difficulties with her partner. I just knew he was cheating on her, just knew it sad He has been working away and making her life dificult on his return. Shes been super anxious for months. If I had been close by, seeing her regularly I would have broached the subject of him possibly cheating. I just couldnt do it messenger. I know in the long run, it wouldnt have made much difference. But I feel just awful. Ive alwayd been the 'practical' friend and would have been there for her when the shit it the fan.
She only found out because the OW sent her a text!!!!
The twat hasnt even been home or phoned to talk to her, or see his son. Shes bin bagged his stuff and changed the locks and gone to stay with family.
Shes in a state right now.Hes really done a number on her, gaslighting her for months, shes been so ill with anxiety.
Im being a listening ear. But would like to be able to advise her on practical stuff, like I would if I was back home.
She is adamant that he not get unsupervised access to their son. Is this possible? What would she. eed to do to ensure this. He's a bully and an aggressive man.
Please, wise Mnetters, help me help her. Feel so far away.sad

SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 10:20:21

also, she has just finished her Degree and is looking for work. What benefits could she/should she apply for.
thanks.

Floggingmolly Thu 05-Nov-15 10:22:41

How did you "just know it" when you presumably haven't seen either of them in person for at least 6 months?

UmbongoUnchained Thu 05-Nov-15 10:28:36

Hi well done for being such an amazing friend! I've been through the exact same thing with my ex about 6 months ago.
She absolutely has the right to withhold unsupervised accessed she feels he is a threat. I've done the same with my ex and guess what? He hasn't even bothered to see my daughter for 6 months, but is happy to go round telling everyone that I'm not letting him see her!! Despite me repeatedly offering. You should advise her to see a solicitor who would draft a letter to him station f her terms. Also make sure she keeps any record of abuse, text messages, emails or recorded phone calls.
Other than that, I found the best help to me was literally just to be able to vent often to a friend. The anxiety I still have, but the more I talk and the more I'm reassured that I'm doing the right thing, the better I feel.
It really is a horrible feeling, and she will have bad days and good days.
But I'm 6 months on now, have met a lovely new man and am feeling much better. His name is now off our tenancy and bills and I've managed to gain control of my life again. Just reassure your friend that you really don't mind her venting to you, I was always worried that my friends were getting annoyed with me but they weren't. It will be rough for a while but once she starts to realise that she's done nothing wrong she will feel more empowered and relieved that she's not in that toxic relationship anymore.

UmbongoUnchained Thu 05-Nov-15 10:29:28

Oh and benefits wise, as a single mum she should be entitled to all benefits. Income support she will get if her son is under 5.

SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 10:37:14

Does it really matter Molly!! A feeling, all the red flags. I'm not happy about the fact my feeling were correct. Helpful, cheers!

summerwinterton Thu 05-Nov-15 10:40:51

If he has been abusive I would recommend WA to her and from them a solicitor. With-holding contact - well, if he has been abusive she may have a case. But she needs to be v careful with that one. So she needs advice, and to get claiming whatever benefits she is entitled to, plus maintenance via CMS too.

SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 10:46:09

Thanks Umbongo.
so sorry you've been through this too sad

So, solicitors letter.
tennancy agreement and bills in her name
Child over 5, but she should get housing and c.tax benefit. JSA?

I take it she will lose tax credits that were linked to twatfaces wages sad

SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 10:51:27

thanks Summerwinterton.
Proving the emotional abuse will be hard. No physical abuse. But plenty of gaslighting, she honestly thought she was going nuts. He used every single one of her insecurities against her.
She had extensions on assignments at uni and dr's visits due to anxiety.
Ill suggest WA when I chat with her later.

summerwinterton Thu 05-Nov-15 11:02:32

He sounds hell - am very glad he has gone. Recommend her the Freedom Programme too - she can do it online if in person is impractical.

SantanaBinLorry Thu 05-Nov-15 11:19:22

Yer, me too. He was a real 'nice guy' hmm
Will hold back on mentioning the FP for now. She will be aware of it, her resent study/quals was based in counselling/therapy.
Its been a hellish six months for her, but Im sure her training highlighted things to her, which made her push for answers. Im sure without that insider knowledge it qould have gone on for years.
I keep reminding her just how strong and smart she is!

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