Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Overwhelmed with guilt.. Help!

(10 Posts)
mrsrabbitsays Thu 05-Nov-15 07:21:40

I have been married to my husband for 15 years, we have 3 DC aged 10,8 and 7. DH is from another country. He is quite controlling when it comes to cooking and cleaning. He wants to do it all and constantly criticise me. I work in a very full time job and life is quite stressful.

About a month ago I struck up a friendship with a work colleague. Talking to him made me realise that something was very wrong in my marriage as I could actually talk to him where my husband ignores or criticises, . I spoke to DH about it and he said we could try to make changes. DH then saw a message to one of my friends explaining my feelings. He went mad, announced that I was having an affair on Facebook and phoned my work colleague so that everyone knew our problems.

I have said I want him to move out but am torn out splitting up our family. He has been telling the children mummy doesn't love you and soon you will get new dad. I don't have the same feelings for him ( we haven't had sex for over a year) I just don't know how I would get that intimacy back as the spark has gone. I have taken steps to open a separate bank account, to see a solicitor next week but I don't know if I am making a huge mistake. I don't fancy my husband at all anymore but confused how this can happen so quickly.

I am not sleeping or eating over the worry. I have been this man since I was 19 and I am now 35. How will I cope as single mum with 3 kids and a full time job . Am I doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life. Combined with this my husband is constantly saying I still love you and yet on the other hand he is googling "how to meet women" I have asked him for space to think but he doesn't understand . On top of this, I still have feelings for my work colleague and continue to text and talk to him although I think he does not have any for me rather just friendship.

What do people do if they feel like they no longer love their husband but here is 3 children to consider ? He is moving out December 1st but I know I will be broken when he does. It feels like somebody has died but I can't see a way out- I am so unhappy.

rumred Thu 05-Nov-15 07:27:28

Really sorry to hear you're in this situation. Your h sounds awful. This is bound to be hard, and you're probably in shock. Have you talked to anyone in real life? You need support at such a terrible time. Remember people end crap marriages all the time. It's not unreasonable or bad of you to want to be with someone who treats you well

mellowyellow1 Thu 05-Nov-15 08:07:48

He sounds like a controlling nightmare. You and the children will cope, it'll be hard at first but you will. Take this as a chance to rediscover who you are and what you want from life. And hey you can eat beans on toast every night once he's gone!

kittybiscuits Thu 05-Nov-15 08:17:50

He sounds awful - it's normal to be scared. You've had this eye opener. Take it and run. What he told your children is horrendous. I would keep getting your ducks in a row and prepare for a bumpy ride. It will be worth it!

TooSassy Thu 05-Nov-15 08:31:32

Firstly stop feeling guilty.

If your marriage is lacking intimacy on all levels it is entirely natural that at some point you will have an encounter with someone that shakes you up. you did the entirely natural thing which was to go home and talk about how you could make your marriage better.

He's chosen to respond the way he has. Utterly immature (and I for am stunned at the amount of people who post about their lives so quickly on Facebook!!!! My STBXH (twatface) did the exact same).

It's going to be hard. Not going to lie. Your DC's are going to be sad. And your (potential) ex sounds like he is going to make things very difficult. That doesn't mean that you should stay in this situation. I can tell you that with lots of love, reassurance and hugs your DC's will get used this new landscape remarkably quickly. I'lol say something that I never thought I'd say. My DC's miss their dad, of course they do. But they are also positively thriving in a home that has zero friction and negative emotions.

Practically you are taking some good steps. Do you have any joint credit cards/ accounts with overdrafts? If so consider switching them off. Also, any important documents? Get copies / remove them from the house.
Also one poster on another thread posted some great advice. As you move through this process, hope for the best, plan for the worst.

You shouldn't feel guilty. Get legal advice and take it day by day. Tons of support here on mnet got me through the first couple of hairy months!

pallasathena Thu 05-Nov-15 10:06:30

You'll find, after the first few weeks of adjustment, that your anxiety levels will reduce, your health will improve, you'll regain your confidence, pay attention to your needs as well as those of the kids, establish a new work/life balance and routine and suddenly find yourself happy, confident, with a new lease of life.

And if that isn't bad enough, you'll find yourself looking at your ex and wondering why it took you this long to get out of such a controlling, negative, sucking-the life-out-of-you marriage.

You'll be fine. No, you'll be more than fine. You'll be awesome.

Joysmum Thu 05-Nov-15 10:57:33

He has been telling the children mummy doesn't love you and soon you will get new dad

As soon as I started reading about his controlling ways I was fully expecting you to detail yet more controlling behaviour and there it is.

The fact that he's prepared to hurt your children like this to co tell and manipulate you tells me you're doing the right thing and need to escape him flowers

random256 Thu 05-Nov-15 11:55:05

You don't have anything to feel guilty about. You did the right thing in trying to talk to him when you found yourself drawn to someone else.

You have a right to privacy.
How did he manage to see your message to your friend? Was he snooping? You are allowed to have some privacy and confide in friends.

His attitude in upsetting your children like this to keep control is very poor.

You are not the one who should be feeling guilty.
Get legal advice. Also this could be construed as abuse-Women's aid may be able to support you.

wheelsonabus Thu 05-Nov-15 12:02:23

Your relationship is ending and that is the right thing for you and your children. Tell them how much you love them and that daddy is upset and not telling them the truth when he says you don't. Also tell them they will only ever have one dad. If and when you meet another man you can broach step-dad stuff.

Really, single parenting will be easier than living with someone like him. You do it all aready. The only worries you may have that are new are less money. But it is enough money and you will live comfortably with some adjustments. Money cannot buy your freedom and once you get over the loss of the dream of a two parent home you'll love your life like never before. I cannot stress enough the feeling of weightless freedom when a controlling man steps out of your life. It's blissful.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Thu 05-Nov-15 16:12:14

Everything Random said plus...yeah, OK the end wasn't great but don't feel guilty. It's better it ends messy than not at all. Your DH is to blame in many many ways it just doesn't show through to the outside world in all this. A year from now you will be in a very different place. Focus on that for now, move ahead with separating. Don't get hung up on what he says, does or what websites he looks at. A total knob will behave like a total knob. Good luck with a future full of not being ground down all the time and more importantly, having some privacy and an actual life.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: