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Relationship advice

(7 Posts)
Dotcomdotcom Thu 05-Nov-15 00:41:54

Hello. I'm interested in your point of view. I'm a man with a lot of baggage. A year after my 21 year marriage broke up, I embarked on a disastrous 5 year relationship with a lady and that resulted in 2 more DC.

That relationship is now over but the pain continues through regular contact. I can only have contact with my DC under her rules, in her house etc. My contact is completely controlled. This isn't because I'm a bad dad, my 18 year old DS doesn't think so nor does my ex wife, with whom I remained friends with. It's just a control thing. It sums up the entire five years really.

After the relationship ended I fell in love again; someone who I'd known for a couple of years and for 6 months was blissfully happy. A happiness that at some points in the recent past didn't think id ever find again. The happiness wasn't one sided either. Everything was great, apart from my baggage. Not the DC but the ex. Constant stress, demands, emotional blackmail. It all got too much and she ended the relationship. That was hard. I know we were both in love with each other but she said she wanted a relationship with me; not a relationship with my ex.

Ok, so tried to move on. A couple of weeks later I get a call. Can she come round. She misses me. I jump at the chance and we spend the weekend together. This scenario has continued now for a couple of months. Last Saturday we were together in the evening. She had had a couple of glasses of wine and this allowed her true feelings to come out. She loves me, she wants to build a life together with me, get a house together, even start a family. Then Sunday! The previous evening 's conversation was forgotten. She explained that she is frightened of getting hurt, frightened of the commitment, and has always had a sort of self destruct button when it comes to happiness. If she's happy something will ruin it, so best avoid that and end it now under her rules.

I know I'm no great catch. I know that she deserves more, but I am totally and utterly in love with her. I would marry her in a heartbeat. She knows this. Well she does now.

So the question is, if I'm too selfish to walk away or give an ultimatum (in case I don't get the answer I want) what can I do to help her give it a go; to take the risk? I'm in more control of the other situation now and professional mediation is helping us move forward to come mutually agreed contact arrangements.

Fact is I don't want to walk. I want to make this very special lady happy and I want to do that for the rest of my life.

Any insights from you will be gratefully received. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Blodss Thu 05-Nov-15 01:01:33

It sounds like she is not completely sure how she feels about you hence the backing off the next day.

Blodss Thu 05-Nov-15 01:07:17

She sounds like she missed you when you were not together. Could you be coming on too strong and it is scaring her off? Possibly backing off and giving her space to work out how she feels may help. Thing is, most people who are roughly your age have baggage. If you haven't then you haven't really lived. That's why I was wondering if she is not sure how she feels.

Cabrinha Thu 05-Nov-15 06:53:16

Personally I'd put this new on off relationship on hold, and certainly stop thinking about have kids with a third woman, until you've sorted out your contact and relationship with your two young kids by woman #2.

Your emery and focus should be going into sorting a fair access arrangement. Why aren't your kids living with you 50% of the time?

You may find that once you've been assertive with ex #2 that your current interest feels less concerned about her.

But your priority now should be your young children, not another girlfriend.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Thu 05-Nov-15 12:31:59

Seek legal advice and get a contact order in place re your children.

Step back from this recent relationship. If it's meant to be, she'll still be there when everything else is sorted.

However, I'd be inclined to spend some time alone and get to know yourself as a single person.

You don't need a girlfriend. You need to get yourself to a place where you don't have 'baggage'

ALaughAMinute Thu 05-Nov-15 12:51:54

I think you should think long and hard about whether this lady is right for you. Do you really want to get married again and start another family with after all you've been though?

It sounds to me like you need time by yourself to heal. Take your time and make your choices wisely.

HustleRussell Thu 05-Nov-15 13:01:09

Pull yourself together. I am being harsh but she sounds like a bloody nightmare. Learn to be single, get some confidence, be happy. Then settle down with the right woman. This one does not seem to be that.

You seem to be rushing into starting different families. So you have a need for support?

IMO you need to take a step back.

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