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Making your dp leave...

(22 Posts)
PeppasNanna Wed 04-Nov-15 22:16:07

If your dp had no where to go. No family or friends to stay with, how did you make him leave?

Cabrinha Wed 04-Nov-15 22:23:00

Not much to go on, there.
Is your house owned or rented? In whose name is the mortgage / tenancy agreement?
Has there been abusive behaviour or just a breakdown in the relationship?

PeppasNanna Wed 04-Nov-15 22:31:20

House is rented in my name.
The relationship has deteriorated over the last 2 years. Ive posted on here a few months sgo asking for advice. I don't have any hope of the relationship improving.

I feel guilty making him leave.
I feel reponsible for dp.
I feel trapped by our circumstances ( dc etc) but cant continue as we are.

PeppasNanna Wed 04-Nov-15 22:48:33

Am i being unreasonable expecting him to leave even though, he knows im very unhappy?
Hes very unhappy.

We have dc with ASD/ADHD/PDA so very stressful home life.
We have no support from family or friends.
I pay carers to help eith the boys. The older one does get dome restpite fromm SS. The younger one is being assessed for restpite.

Dp cant cope with the dc. He has no understanding of their conditions. He has never attended any appointments. Even when they were diagnosed. Never asks about on going appointments. He has never been to their schools (2 different Special Schools).

We have no social life. He works shifts. He wont put in for Parential Leave or any leave he wont be paid for. He hasnt been off during the Summer holidays(9 weeks for the boys) in 2 years.

Its lots of little things as well...

Joysmum Wed 04-Nov-15 23:37:20

Are you married?

AnotherEmma Wed 04-Nov-15 23:40:43

If the house is rented in your name, change the locks when he's out.

Sounds harsh but if he's refusing to leave it's probably the only way.

You could also get legal advice. Are you in the UK? If so ask CAB.

PeppasNanna Wed 04-Nov-15 23:46:20

No not married.

Its notxabout changing locks...itsvthw justification of making my partner of 16 years leave because i am unhappy.

I've already been to an organisation that helps families with disabled dc as i was really worried about not being able to work fulltime. Its all doable but i feel responsible and guilty for msking him leave. He has no where to go to.

PeppasNanna Wed 04-Nov-15 23:47:16

Sorry for typos... I'm exhausted.

AnotherEmma Wed 04-Nov-15 23:52:55

Nowhere to go? Really? He has a job, which means he has an income, which means he can find himself a fucking flat.

Sorry for swearing, but really.

You don't need ANY justification for wanting to end the relationship. You are unhappy, you want to end it. END OF DISCUSSION.

You are perfectly entitled to do this. You are not responsible for him. He is a grown adult.

If he is refusing to listen and respect your point of view, if he makes you feel responsible for him, I suspect that's just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how unreasonable he is. That suggests to me that you have plenty of excellent reasons to kick him out. Not that you need them!

angryangryyoungwoman Thu 05-Nov-15 00:00:20

I was in your position. I had to get the police to remove him in the end. If you are not happy, tell him to go. You deserve to be happy.

AnotherEmma Thu 05-Nov-15 00:01:27

I thought I recognised your name so I looked up your other threads, I posted on them and remember now. I'm really glad you've decided to end the relationship. It did sound very unhappy.

In your other thread you said that his name was on the tenancy agreement and he paid the rent. Has that changed now, have you moved or changed the tenancy agreement?

Hillfarmer Thu 05-Nov-15 00:02:41

Why are you responsible for him? Your relationship has broken down - a situation which is regrettable but it sounds as if his behaviour is responsible for much of it. Why should you feel responsible? I think he should be ashamed of himself regarding his lack of support for you and dcs.... don't take on the shame he should feel.

I know you're very down OP, but what justification do you need? It is said time and again on this board: you don't need any other reason or 'justification' for ending a relationship (even one of 16 years) other than the fact that you are unhappy and the relationship is not working for you. That's enough. Why should you have to justify yourself any more? It's been going wrong for some time, he offers you no support in looking after your children's (no doubt exhausting) special needs. Not surprisingly, you've had enough. And like a grown up, you don't want to live with him any more.

Perhaps you need to practice saying that. 'I am very unhappy and the relationship is not working for either of us. I want you to move out.' Repeat if necessary. You don't have to say or 'justify' yourself any more than that.

And guilt? There's no argument. The house is rented in your name. This is all you need to know. You don't have to do anything except tell him to go. And if he won't go you will call the police.

PeppasNanna Thu 05-Nov-15 00:09:41

Thankyou for your replies. Yes we moved AnotherEmma. Ironically he 'couldnt' take time off work to come to the agents with me.

I need to grow a spine. Its useless. I know it is. I wish he'd just leave but he wont.

Thanks again.

AnotherEmma Thu 05-Nov-15 00:11:11

Ah that is very handy. So now it's just your name on the tenancy agreement. He's made it very easy for you to kick him out smile

You can do it! We'll be (virtually) cheering you on!

PeppasNanna Thu 05-Nov-15 00:21:12

I had been trying to work out how i could avoid him being on the new tenancy.
Its the same Landlord but the old house needed major work so we didnt go through the usual process. When i went on the day, i thought they'd say no as it was a joint tenancy but they were fine.

I found out about a local advice group for parents of disabled children. They were incredibly helpful. I would get all the rent paid by housing benefit so at least i know its all manageable.

Its this stupid guilt i feel. When i read back whst i write, i feel like I'm reading someone elses experience. When i think about the indifference he showed me when i had a miscarriage or when i developed PND. Then i think & shout at myself, 'GET HIM OUT! !'

AnotherEmma Thu 05-Nov-15 00:23:25

Things are looking up for you, OP. They really are. I think the house move and the tenancy change were both meant to be. I don't believe in God but if I did I'd think he planned it all and wants you to kick the bastard out!!

Hillfarmer Fri 06-Nov-15 14:03:16

I wish he'd just leave but he wont

OP you have the law on your side. You can tell him to leave, he has no choice. If he doesn't leave when you tell him, then you can call the police to get him out. He has no right to stay.

mintoil Fri 06-Nov-15 18:25:54

OP if you ask him to leave your house, it's the same as if you asked me to leave your house.

Either he goes as requested or you can call the cops.

I would give him three days to arrange a new home and then change the locks. He isn't a baby and you are not responsible for him.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 07-Nov-15 11:31:51

Before you act on any of the advice on here you need to get proper legal advice so that you don't break the law.

AnotherEmma Sat 07-Nov-15 11:58:12

Why would she be breaking the law? The tenancy agreement is in her name only. She is perfectly entitled to tell him to leave, and take action if he doesn't, whether that's calling the police and/or changing the locks.
Of course it wouldn't hurt to get legal advice. But I think the position is pretty clear.

AnotherEmma Sat 07-Nov-15 12:04:20

Actually come to think of it, if you're renting you might need your landlord's permission to change the locks.

But I'm not sure how throwing him out or calling the police could be illegal!

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 07-Nov-15 13:48:25

AnotherEmma

She is entitled to tell him to leave but she will should do so within the law (set a reasonable time frame etc.), as this is also his home she can't just change the locks.

And unless there is DV or DA the police won't be interested.

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