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Talk to me about leaving a relationship with nothing and no where to go

(28 Posts)
AvocadoLime Wed 04-Nov-15 20:25:41

Hi, I don't really know where to start, and this is quite painful to write, but I think I need to leave my relationship because of how miserable it makes me. I don't really want to get into writing a long list of justifications and all the shit I go through, but I feel completely downtrodden, DP makes it clear he has no respect for me and my self esteem is terrible. I can't do anything with my life in this situation because DP won't even consider us paying for childcare or "babysitting" DS on the days he doesn't have to work so that I can get a job or do something to help me get a job.

I feel awful, part of me still wants things to miraculously change because we have a one year old and I want everything to be perfect for him. I know it won't.

But my situation is totally shit, I could cry. I've got nothing, no money, live in rented accommodation. I don't think my parents would put us up because they live in a tiny 2 bed house with a dog my DS is allergic to. I want to apply for teacher training for next September which I should be able to manage financially because of the grants, finance and help my mum is willing to offer (for which I am very, very grateful). But I think about staying in my current situation for another 10 months and I just can't bare the thought of it.

I can't just say fuck it and leave with no where to go, I need to be able to support my son and put a roof over his head. I have applied for jobs in near my mum but I never hear back, I feel like I'm waiting forever for a lucky break but nothing is coming my way.

Can someone help please? Sorry, having a bit of a wobble right now.

AvocadoLime Wed 04-Nov-15 20:38:04

Anyone?

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 20:39:25

Poor you, I really do feel for you. It's really horrible having to go through this situation and the feelings that go with it isn't it. I don't have great deal of advice as am currently stuck in my own mess and working out what's going on in my own head, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Stay strong and keep believing in your own self. No-one has the right to make life miserable for you. X

grounddown Wed 04-Nov-15 20:40:34

I left in a similar situation. Made a plan, squirreled money away, found a cheap rental and then moved with my 9 month old and 2 year old.
I was working 16 hours a week at the time so could get a private rental but have you spoken to the council to see how it works in your area? Might be worth making a plan too?

You can do it and it will feel amazing - Iife is too short. My ex is actually a far better father and all round person now and I am so glad I left him.

MumOnTheRunAgain Wed 04-Nov-15 20:43:23

How does your dp feel about splitting? Would he leave so you

Could stay there with ds?

ChristinaParsons Wed 04-Nov-15 20:44:07

I am also wobbling. My partner has serious mental health issues. At the moment he has left us for another woman. I don't know which way to turn. I left my job to work for him and become a shareholder in his company. After he left I was told he had closed the company down. I am terrified. Sorry I don't have any better advice but you're not alone

Bobby2013 Wed 04-Nov-15 20:50:59

Hello there, first of all I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, and I do know how you feel because I have a less than great marriage. However, I think you need to get strategic here. You need support, in the short-term call the Samaritans, they really are brilliant for helping through a crisis. Also, can you go to your GP and ask for help? Not in the pill form, but for therapy such as CBT - I had sessions following my DD birth for post-natal depression, and I could take her with me, so it was very helpful. Next, do you go to mum and baby groups? If not, there should be information on the net about local groups, your health visitor or GP practice may know about them. Just getting out and being around other mums for a couple of hours can help lift the spirits plus there's often health visitors whom you can talk to, who are concerned with your well being as well as DS. Just taking a few small steps will soon add up - I know because I did it, and it helps with your psychological armour. When your DP starts on, move your mind away, don't absorb what he says, just mentally brush it away and stay focused on your goals. If you want out, plan an exit. Apply for the teacher training anyway, just do it, even if you do so in secret. Then talk to people, your GP, health visitor, and the housing authority. They may say that if you leave you made yourself intentionally homeless and will not help, but they may also know of hostels or temp accommodation you can move to. I know that right now you may feel hopeless, but unless you are in any physical danger then there is time to think through your departure rather than just bolt, because that might make the situation worse. My DH is an emotional drain, but I'm working my way towards a better situation. However, if it really does get too much, than be honest with your parents. I think they would rather you be at home than carry on suffering.

RandomMess Wed 04-Nov-15 20:55:09

Sounds like womans aid could help you? You don't have to be physically battered for them to help you leave. It sounds as though you are subject to low level drip drip emotional abuse plus he's keeping you financially trapped and dependent on him - again not acceptable.

flowers

AvocadoLime Wed 04-Nov-15 21:06:51

grounddown Can you explain how you afford to do it/what help you get working 16 hours per week? I guess I was thinking a private rental wouldn't touch me unless I could easily cover the rent, that's how it was when we found this place. Sorry, I'm new to this stuff.

I might contact the council in my mums area and ask, thanks.

Mumontherun To be honest I haven't expressed to him that I am seriously thinking about leaving, I am scared that he would react badly, leave himself and then we would have no where to go. Him leaving wouldn't do us much good unfortunately because the rent is so high - it's a three bed because he has another son from a previous marriage (yes, I should have seen this coming).

Bobby yes, definitely applying for the teacher training. I go to baby groups sometimes, I often don't seem to find myself making any meaningful connections with the other mums, I think because the situation can feel forced, but I have made a couple of friends. I will think through the GP stuff, thanks. Yes, I agree I can't just storm out and need to have a strategy. I was just feeling like I wasn't coping very well lately - I think I will steady myself.

Sorry to all those in a similar situation, I hope you go on to see happier times.

AvocadoLime Wed 04-Nov-15 21:18:43

I hadn't thought about Women's Aid for something like this, I will look into it thanks. He certainly does have me financially trapped, although not in a cunning, pre meditated way, more a spiteful and stubborn reactive way, if you see what I mean? It's more that he works, so he refuses to do anything or pay for anything childcare wise and that's how he justifies it. So then I can't go to work, and we're trapped in a cycle! And then he refers to "his money" and makes me feel like a pathetic leach when I would really love not to be trapped in this situation and it's like a slap in the face.

grounddown Wed 04-Nov-15 21:23:10

I saved quite a bit of money over about a year whilst deciding what to do and i found a website which tells you how much you could get in benefits so had a rough idea how much assistance I could get from that. I found a tiny house I was pretty sure i could afford and had a frank chat with the letting agent, My mother was happy to be my guarantor if they needed it but thankfully they accepted me with my wages and possible benefits alone, but I live in a place where renting is quite cheap.

It was a major thing to do though, I'm not recommending it unless you have 100% made up your mind. I was pretty desperate.
The relationship board on here helped me immensely.

springydaffs Wed 04-Nov-15 21:28:09

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Lines busy during the day, sadly (that tells you a lot..), can you call at night? If not, email them with resume of your situ and contact details and good (ie safe) times to call. They will get back to you but it may take a while, not immediately.

I'd also give Shelter a call. They are the experts on housing and will lay out your options.

Have a look at the Women's Aid website to see if you are in a domestic abuse situation (as Random says, it doesn't have to be physical abuse to be domestic abuse). Also have a look at the Freedom Programme, peruse the site,possibly do the course online (if you have the spare £10), or get along to the (free, also free childcare) course if possible.

Meanwhile, a job in a supermarket is better than nothing until you get on your feet? If your self esteem is rock bottom it can seem a difficult step but try to see it as a means to an end for the time being.

Wishing you the best flowers

RandomMess Wed 04-Nov-15 21:28:16

Well urm that is completely Financial Abuse!!!

AcrossthePond55 Wed 04-Nov-15 21:47:15

He certainly does have me financially trapped, although not in a cunning, pre meditated way, more a spiteful and stubborn reactive way

You need to realize that there is no difference. Once someone who supposedly cares about you realizes that you'd like to do something for yourself (school, lunch out with friend, take a frickin' bath) and they do nothing to help you then they are premeditatedly, cunningly, spitefully, and stubbornly blocking you from your goal. He's making it impossible for you to go to work or school and thus improve your own financial position. He is keeping you financially dependent on him. You ARE being financially abused.

Also, you have stated that you are 'scared of his reaction'. This sends off alarm bells that you are either being physically and/or emotionally abused. No one should ever be in fear of talking to the one person you should be most able to confide in about your hopes for yourself. In a 'normal' situation, a husband would be happy to hear of his wife's plans to work and improve the family's financial situation.

You do need to call WA. And speak to your parents. Allergies in many cases can be treated with medication and a tiny house can be tolerated for the time it takes you to get on your feet.

AvocadoLime Wed 04-Nov-15 22:05:32

Yes, I get that the financial trap is not something which I should put up with, regardless of the reasoning behind it.

The 'scared of his reaction' thing was referring to him leaving abruptly and me and DS being stuck with no where to go. He has never been physically abusive toward me. I'm not scared of his immediate reaction, though I feel it is unpredictable how he would react, he may well be angry and it's a conversation I don't particularly look forward to.

springydaffs Wed 04-Nov-15 22:09:06

Then get your ducks in a row, it's Dear John time.

mum2mum99 Wed 04-Nov-15 22:15:45

Cutting you off from the company can be seen as financial abuse. Yes woman's aid who be able to help. At least you could be sent to a refuge for a while with your son while you sort out accommodation.
Best of luck. The leap of faith is the hardest bit. Actually you can be supported by woman's aid...You are much better off without him flowers

AcrossthePond55 Thu 05-Nov-15 14:57:58

No, no one looks forwards to unpleasant scenes. But sooner or later you'll have to confront him and tell him. Unless of course you do what my BFF did; a 'midday' flit. My DH got her then-H out of town overnight and with help, we loaded her up and moved her when he was gone. She had tried to tell him she wanted out and he threatened her so it was her only choice.

The first thing to do as springy says is get your ducks in row. Gather any and all financial documents, bank statements, his income, bills, rental information (name on lease, rent amount) and see a solicitor. Ask about what you could reasonably expect as maintenance for yourself and for DS and how long to expect the court order to take. Remember that knowledge is power. Once you understand your financial situation you'll be better placed to decide when and how to leave and where to go.

AvocadoLime Fri 06-Nov-15 10:06:16

Good point about getting income information.

Writing my personal statement for my PGCE today, I feel better feeling like I'm constructing a way out.

I have been thinking lately I would like to get some exercise, so asked him if he minded watching DS while I went jogging later (30 mins, tops). Got a mouthful back about it being "nothing but take, take, take" and if I want 30 mins to myself I should sell my stuff and pay for a babysitter. Fucking cunt.

RandomMess Fri 06-Nov-15 10:50:50

So he actually refuses to parent his DS, to do his share, to allow you to have any money or freedom.

Please phone WA this is why they exist!!

Unless your DS has asthma he will manage okay at your parents if that is the option you decide to pursue.

KOKO flowers

AvocadoLime Fri 06-Nov-15 11:03:23

Yes, I was thinking I would approach them this evening for advice.

The sad thing is, I would be surprised if he would even want much contact with DS if we split. He was so different 5 years ago when we met. Grr.

StormyBlue Fri 06-Nov-15 11:10:53

Another reason I am reluctant to open up about this to my parents (though I acknowledge I might have to) is that they are pretty much in awe of DP. My dad always asks after him before me. Both sides of my family are pretty much working class, left school at 14/16 type of people, I was the first to go to uni. DP went to Oxbridge and is a university lecturer. I'm not sure that they would be understanding if I left, I think they think I am very lucky to have found someone like him.

pallasathena Fri 06-Nov-15 11:45:16

Try confiding in your parents and tell them the truth. You may be surprised at their reaction you know. Decent working class parents are the salt of the earth where I come from, They may be in awe of your partner, but they love their daughter far more I'd suggest and will only want what's best for you. Explain to them what's been going on. If my daughter was in a similar position to the one you're in, I'd move heaven and earth to make things better for her. I imagine your parents will think the same. I hope so.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 06-Nov-15 13:26:36

I agree, tell your parents. They may admire your DH's 'accomplishments' but they love their daughter.

SelfRaisingFlour Fri 06-Nov-15 13:40:20

Information on benefits and tax credits and relationship breakdown can be found on the Citizens Advice website - citizensadvice.org.uk and benefits on turn2us.org.uk. With a one year old child you could get Income Support and also Housing Benefit.

Child maintenance service is on www.cmoptions.org/

I would suggest talking to the CAB.

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