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Am I wrong to want more from this relationship already?(60 Posts)
Looking for some impartial advice here as I'm getting told what I should/shouldn't put up with by friends, and I feel they're too close to me to give the best advice.
I met my boyfriend online almost 5 months ago. We were speaking for around 2 weeks (and by that I mean, 3/4 hour phone calls every night). We mutually agreed to delete our online profiles before we met up, and once we met, he asked me straight away to be exclusive. We have a great relationship, I literally feel like I'm talking to my best friend, and we have such a great connection. But we barely get to see each other.
We talk on the phone, or Skype every day for at least an hour, most of the time it's 2 -3 hours or more, and has been throughout our whole relationship. He works odd shifts, and that makes it hard to see each other, but I'm lucky if I see him once a week at the moment. For the most part, we see each other fortnightly, which I don't feel is enough as I miss him. He says he feels the same, but he wants to take it slow and build a strong foundation. I get that, but why does that mean not seeing each other through the week?
We've both met each others friends and family, and he has met my children, and they get on amazingly, but he has been frequently putting off introducing me to his child. I understand that to an extent, but at the same time, it feels as though he's happy to be in a relationship with me provided it's on his terms. He has said that he'll introduce me after 7/8 months when he's sure of where we're going. That comment hurt as he has told me that he knows we will work out, and has spoken about a future together on numerous occasions. The last comment about his child has made me wonder if he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear.
I know 4/5 months is not a huge amount of time to be hoping we're both sure of the relationship, but the amount of time we've spoken I feel so close to him, but I feel he pushes me away to an extent by not making more of an effort to see each other.
Am I wrong to expect a bit more at this stage?
It's early days yet, and 7-8 months isn't far away. If it's meant to be, it'll be. Personally, I'd have much more respect for someone who waited to let me meet their child.
You are not wrong to want to see your boyfriend more than once a fortnight, nobody is that busy!
You are wrong in wanting to meet his child, he's right, there's no hurry in that department.
I'd be concerned about his level of commitment tbh.
If he's met your children then you should meet his - I've been with my BF 7 months we see each other every Saturday through to Sunday evening and one evening a week that's not enough for us!
How far away does he live? If you have met each other's friends and family, I assume not very far away in which case I fail to see why you can spend 3-4 hours Skying each night but not meet up? I think you introduced him to your children very early but that was your decision, you need to respect his decision to do what he thinks best for his child.
The reality is (if your facts are correct) you have seen him ten times at most. He works odd shifts and you only see him once a fortnight. I would be very very wary. What is his relationship with his ex like?
I'd like to say that agreeing on a first date to be exclusive is very weird . As is having 14 days of 3-4 hour daily phone calls before you ever meet . It's very intense .
I also think you are very emotionally invested in him after 10 dates . What did you make of his friends and his family ?
What's his relathioship history ? Was he with his ex for a long time and how do they get on now ? How often does his child stay with him ?
The Skype and phone conversations are taking the place of meeting up. You don't need to arrange to see each other if you talk for hours each evening.
It sounds like you want different things. You want to see him more but he wants to take it slowly. Why don't you cool it a little and see what he does? Go out and do things. You are missing out on living a full life if you are on the phone all night.
You are too available and it's all to his tune.
If you are both on the phone at the same time for two to three hours every night then he has more than enough time to see you in person. As regards taking it slow, how can spending hours on the phone every day, meeting family and friends and being exclusive before you even meet equal taking it slow? Bit baffling.
Odd thing when you think about it. You don't get to know someone by not spending time with them. I have known people for years who I don't really know. I have known other people a short time and know them very well because I have spent a lot of time with them. You can waste months taking it slow or you could commit some time to getting to know them and not waste months!
Why can't he be sitting next to you talking rather than talking on Skype? What stops him from getting up and travelling to yours?
People have different opinions on the speed at which new boyfriends meet their children.
But whatever the opinion, I think most people would agree they wouldn't introduce their kids to someone who won't introduce you to theirs.
He wanted exclusivity before even meeting you. That's crazy and would put me off for starters.
He sounds like a manipulative arse to me. All full on at the start to hook you, but doesn't actually want to put the effort in.
Trade the chats for actual meet ups. Get to know him. Without your kids.
Is he available for chats because he works quiet shifts? Are you being used to pass the time at work?
Yes things were very intense when we started talking, and when we met things clicked straight away. Which is why we felt it was worth taking a chance and seeing each other exclusively. Personally I'm not into dating more than one person at a time and he said the same so.I didn't see that as a big issue. At the start he had taken some time off and so for the first 2 months or so we seen each other 2 - 3 times a week. He met my kids by chance the first time and they have only spent time together a couple of times since. My kids are also older so not as much an issue. I absolutely have no problem waiting to meet his child, it's more the way he's put it across after making the excuse that he wanted to see Christmas out the way first as his ex was funny about access last year. I feel more he's being a bit dishonest about his reasons. His family and friends are all great, his friends warned me they thought he'd find it strange being with someone a lot who actually wanted to be with him as he and his ex very much had separate lives. We've spoke about that, and he says he doesn't want that with me, he wants more.
He is working lots of double shifts atm, so starts at 8am and finishes at 9.30pm, he would have an hour and a half journey to get here by bus as although we live close, there are no direct buses or trains. He usually calls when he gets home from work so it's not a time passing thing. The fortnightly thing started about a month ago, and I raised it with him, to which he assured me he didn't want it that way, amd it would only be for a while. He did swap a shift so he could see me at the weekend, but he's signed up for extra shifts till xmas so god knows when I'll see him next. In regards to having my own life, I very much do, I see friends at least weekly and family daily, he doesn't have the time to as often. This is why I'm confused at whether it's me being paranoid, or him being full of it.
Poor guy, he is trying to do the best for himself and his child by taking on extra work until Christmas (or maybe he has no choice, not everyone is given the option to turn down extra shifts) and you are moaning about the fact that for the past MONTH you have only been able to see him infrequently. His reasons for not introducing you to his child yet sound eminently possible to me, given some of the stories about vindictive ex partners we read on here.
What do you honestly expect him to do at this stage? What would make you happy with the relationship - him introducing you to his child even if it means he might not get to spend Christmas with his child as a result, him giving up his extra shifts, or something else?
When did they separate? Isn't the usual advice to take it very slowly when introducing new partners!
You're desperate and he's keeping his options open. Never agree to exclusivity on the first date, it demonstrates very clearly that you will settle for anything rather than be single.
Of course not. I have said I'm happy to wait to meet his child if that's what he wants. And by all means, work the extra shifts, I don't expect him to give anything up for me, but when hes telling me it may be mid December before he can see me? I do expect him to find some time for us in the space of 6 weeks, even if its just lunch, or a coffee. I think 2/3 weeks is is a long time not to see someone when you're trying to build a relationship with them never mind 6.
Solidgoldbrass I am not desperate. I posted looking for support, not a slagging. We both agreed we weren't interested in seeing other people, you clearly didn't bother reading the whole post
If he wanted to see you more then he would make the time.
Early days considering you spend little actual time together.
Don't blame him re meeting his DC. It's very early days.
Mid December before you can see him? Something is not right here at all. You have said you met his friends but what family did you meet? When a man wants to be with you, he will be with you.
I imagine he didn't want to take it slow with the sex part?
It seems he has a whole lot of excuses. I would back way off and start to date others.
I've met all of his family a few times now. He keeps telling me to be patient but mid December is a long time, I have told him waiting that long when we live so close won't work. I have no.interest in dating other people behind his back. I would end it before that happened. Thanks all for your advice. Most of you have said what I've been thinking but I appreciate the other views. Especially yours stillunexpected as this is the stance he has told me he has on it also.
It's hard to put a finger on what feels wrong - sounds like you have the same trouble.
Thing is, not meeting cos he's genuinely working, fine. But all the stuff about 'taking it slow to build a solid foundation' just sounds like a bullshit line. And sets off my senses.
How does not seeing you help to build a strong foundation?
And as a PP said, bet taking it slow didn't apply to sex.
If he's saying you won't see him til mid Dec, I'd bin him. That's a ridiculous amount of time to not swap one 3 hour call (wtf do you talk about?! ) for a quick drink.
It looks like he is withdrawing and your contact is decreasing...?
Is he letting you down slowly?
Ludicrous not to see someone for 6 weeks....
Ex has obviously put a time limit / or they have agreed a time frame as when to introduce child to new partners.
Sounds like a porn related problem.
He gets all the intimacy of a relationship with you then flicks over from Skype to whatever he fancies jerking off to, probably. A lot less hassle than real sex with anothrr human being for a lot of men nowadays if the relationships board is anything to go by. I could be wrong and I'm sorry if that's upsetting to read - its just an educated guess.
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