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Stuck

(6 Posts)
Win15 Tue 03-Nov-15 15:47:16

Seeing others speak out about their relationship troubles has made me confident enough to bring it up on here....I have previously written threads on the pregnancy section of Mumsnet and only recently discovered this section of the website....

Apologies for long story....

None of my friends know about these problems, they can sometimes be quite quick to judge and have previously been frosty with ex boyfriends of mine they didn't particular like. Although they have my best interests at heart I find this makes social events very awkward so recently I have taken to telling them less and less which i guess is quite isolating...

I have only been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we already have a beautiful 8 month old DD, my partner is amazing with her and is very much in love with her. He would do anything for her and I'm so happy she has a Dad who she can rely on.

The start of our relationship was rocky- I got pregnant fairly quickly and although it was a joint decision to keep my DD and he will never admit it, he struggled with coming to terms with becoming a father. He has a 12 year old son he never sees (not his choice) but I didn't know about this till about 20 weeks into my pregnancy. Up until toward the end of my pregnancy the main issue was he kept going out with friends and getting horrendously drunk and cutting contact with me so I didn't know where he was....each time it happened the next day he would apologise and claim he wasn't drinking again and he didn't know why he did it. When DD was born this behaviour stopped until recently it is happening again....

Our sex life was amazing when we first met and up until the second trimester....since then he has no sexual interest me whatsoever. We have sex maybe once every two months, I instigate it every time. He sometimes hugs me when we go to sleep but most days the most physical contact I get is a quick arm around the shoulder (I think this is his idea of hug) and rarely get kissed.

3 months after DD was born I felt so awful and low that I checked his mobile phone- on there was conversations between him and girl, the conversations suggested that they had been trying to meet up for ages but it kept never happening due to both of them giving excuses. The conversation was flirty and the last one I saw ended up on them agreeing to meet at a hotel and he was to book a room. Not only this, but whilst he was away with work his internet history showed he was searching for gay bars one particular night. I went nuts about everything, he said nothing happened with the girl and he never wanted it to but got carried away with the flirting. He said he was only looking at gay bars because his colleague and him had bumped in to some gay guys who were new to the city they were in and they were talking about local bars.....he said he loved me very much and didn't want me to leave. He deleted and blocked the girls number and told me I could check his phone whenever he wanted but he would never speak to her again. The gay bar thing was brushed aside....

My confidence is at an all time low since having my DD, I'm only 27 and not ready for my sex life to be over. I don't know if it's because he's shagging someone else, gay or not interested in me and it's starting to really upset me.

Many people will suggest leaving him....I have no savings, I'm still on mat leave and don't drive, I am 6 hours drive away from family. I will not take my daughter to live in another city as I want her to be close to her Dad. I have barely any friends here and no where to go.....not really sure what to do.

pinktips Tue 03-Nov-15 18:32:00

I have been in you exact situation. I had to leave. You become a person that you never thought you would be.He is lying, omitting and telling half truths about different things; be it a girl, a gay bar, what time he is coming home, where he is. But the common thread is he is happy to live a life he wants you to have no involvement in and lying to the mother of his child. The fact you knew nothing of his child until you were 20 weeks pregnant is concerning. He may not see them but it is still a huge part of a person's life. Have you heard anybody else explain why he has no contact with his child or just him? I left because I looked at my situation (near identical to yours) and thought I didn't want my girls thinking a man ccan treat th with disrespect and humiliate them and that be ok, because their mum did it. It was hard at first for sure because when he wasn't doing these things life was great. But ultimately it wasn't a life he was 100% devoted to and given the sacrifices you have had to make to be a mother (the ones we all make) do you not need someone who understands and admires you? Without going into equality to deeply, your daughter is going to have to fight hard for things simply because she is a woman. She needs to understand her worth and that will be taught by you, but her dad will make her feel that women can be treated how he treats them if she is in a situation where she can see it happen daily. You can not hide things from your children, they see through you.

Win15 Tue 03-Nov-15 19:26:10

I would be lying if I said I don't want to leave....but I'm really not exaggerating when I say I have no where to go at the moment. I have a difficult relationship with my mum so don't have the option to go there....none of my friends live on this side of the country. I have no money, this is not exaggeration either.

The weird thing is, and I'm sure this makes me weak, but for some crazy reason I really love him. He clearly doesn't love me, I think he's scared of being alone. He's always had a partner. Weirdly, the thought of dating again doesn't scare me, I still feel young. It's just by being with him my confidence becomes less and less each day, I'm at my heaviest since having my DD and I feel disgusted with my own body. It's hard....I want him to want me...I know he doesn't treat me right.

Ultimately, the most importantly thing is my DD. I love her so much, I never had a relationship with my Dad so I want that so much for her.

pinktips Tue 03-Nov-15 20:55:11

This is so weird because I am the same. Do you have a sure start children's centre you can attend and speak with a family worker, they are there for these sort of social situations. They may be able to help with housing/options. I didn't have a relationship with my dad from being about 6, sounds weird but I lived with him until I was 18! There was just no interaction. But within that, I asked my mum when she was going to divorce him when I was 8. I saw through the 'relationship' and saw he was treating her like shit. If you havecoped with the situation alone so far, you can do it no matter where you live. You are stronger than you think, trust me. To say you have a strained relationship with your mum would suggest she hasn't experienced what you are going through, but you have come to the realisation that this isn't right by yourself. I would speak with a family worker or your health visitor. Mine were really helpful and proactive in getting me moved. Can I ask why you would need to move out? Why can't he?

Win15 Tue 03-Nov-15 21:21:30

How weird but also makes me sad that you've experienced it too, it's horrible!

I think there is a sure start centre near me, about 20/30 mins walk away which isn't far. I'll ask there, thank you for the advice. I never thought of that!

We have had arguments in the past and he has said categorically he's not moving out....when he's bad he's really bad if that makes sense....very Jekyll and Hyde. Just to add to complications we bought a house together in July but it's a new build so not ready yet!

As much as his day to day behaviour can really get to me on top of the no sex...the thing that I hate the most is how I don't trust him and my mind is never at rest cos I'm constantly thinking he's being deceitful. When he's late home from work sometimes in my head I'm going over and over what he might be doing, it's exhausting! I've never had relationships like that in the past.

pinktips Tue 03-Nov-15 21:40:50

It is awful. The thing that i realised was that i had become a person i didn't want to be, untrusted, second guessing; as a result, nagging, always 'starting arguements'- but actually just trying not to implode. I said that to him and said that he could never mess up again and be everything that he SHOULD be, but I will always be this person as long as I am with him. He couldn't argue with that. If you have signed anything legal regarding the house I would see a solicitor as well re. Paying mortgage etc. One thing I do know is that if you can convince him to move out, as long as you live there with your daughter and as long as no other man moves in, he is legally obliged to pay the mortgage until your daughter is 18. You are right, it is exhausting and trust me, if you leave you will literally feel like you have so much more time to do other things because your brain isn't occupied.

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