Can no longer talk to DH

[HidingInTheHills]

We used to talk about everything, but we seem to have fallen into going through the motions of daily life with only superficial conversation, although it's still amicable.

There is a lot of financial pressure (DH working very hard setting up a business but no money yet, I'm the sole breadwinner) but the little things are now getting to me... the kitchen being left a mess, family activities, social activities and holidays only happen if I organise them, DH constantly staring at his phone or hiding in the kitchen cooking, rather than spending time with the family. When I talk about money, he clams up and avoids telling me how much debt he has, and blames lack of money as the reason we don't do anything.

I rarely mention the things that wind me up because he's trying his best but if I do mention something eg don't leave the dishcloth sitting in dirty dishwater overnight, he loses the plot and says I'm nit-picking, or just rolls his eyes. I've told him it's like living with a flatmate (we don't spend time together, there is no intimacy as I've just lost interest although he's still keen) and that I'd like things to change, but nothing happens. He just doesn't seem interested in doing things as a family. This isn't how I want to live life and I feel sorry for the kids, they aren't getting the time they deserve with him, or us as a couple, not that we do anything as a couple. I feel stuck and not sure how to tackle it, maybe I am being unreasonable and nitpicking. He never complains about anything and rarely shouts, unless the kids are really winding him up.

Sorry for the rambling post. Lots of thoughts in my head but struggling to make sense of things.

[ImperialBlether]

So basically he doesn't want anything to do with you but still wants to have sex with you? He won't talk about money even though you're funding everything? (That's ALWAYS going to be bad news - nobody refuses to talk about a lower-than-expected debt.)

When you say he's working really hard, do you mean 9-5? Because he's not doing much the rest of the time, is he?

[pocketsaviour]

When you agreed as a couple that you would earn while he got the business off the ground, what time scales were put in place? Did you discuss how housework, etc, would be shared? Does he have a business plan? Is he keeping accounts?

Him not telling you what the money situation is, is a worrying thing. You are married and you therefore own half of his business. You're entitled to know what's coming in and going out.

[goddessofsmallthings]

It seems to me that if you're funding his new business, you're effectively a silent partner and should be given access to the accounts and also a report as to what is being done to raise income and turn a profit.

Refusing to reveal what level of debt the company/he has would have me wondering whether money has been raised on the house or similar, but presumably you have access to all of your joint accounts and your savings (if any) are secure.

[Wando]

I think you need to have an open conversation with him. Tell him how you feel bluntly and see how he responds. You have the right to know and have your concerns or questions answered.

[HidingInTheHills]

To be fair, he does the cooking (his hobby), shares the housework and some childcare, so it's not that he's not pulling his weight, he's messier than I am. He won't notice that he's left an empty packet on the the table, or that he's left the bleach bottle within reach of the toddler.

I have access to joint accounts - we agreed I'd do the household finances. I agreed to support the family while he set up the business (it requires investors) I'm not funding it, or him, directly although I pay all household bills. I don't have the problem with supporting him getting set up; I do have a problem with him not trying to live within his means. His business plan is solid (not just me saying that) but if he is serious about it we will need to downsize (he won't consider it - it doesn't make sense financially or logistically) or get some investment by Christmas.

He's also snores like a train, is awake half the night and, I've only cottoned on this week, is drinking more than I realised - I'm keeping an eye on it.

Actually reading this back, things are definitely going in a downward spiral.

[HidingInTheHills]

Wando, I have done that, several times, he knows how I feel. It just ends up with him saying he's doing everything he can to get investment, then he either clams up, closes down the conversation. How do you have an open conversation with someone if they aren't willing to?

[goddessofsmallthings]

If a conversation isn't 2-way it becomes a monologue and it's probable the only way you'll get him to open up is to make it deal breaker.

The drinking will contribute to his snoring - have you got a spare bedroom he can sleep in so that you can get a good night's sleep?

[ImperialBlether]

Having a good business idea (is it?) and working hard are not always enough for a business to succeed. Does he have a good business brain? Does he work effectively? Does he consider advice given?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

It just ends up with him saying he's doing everything he can to get investment, then he either clams up, closes down the conversation

I've worked with a few startups. This is a huge red flag. There is no money. There are no investors lined up. He is pretty sure there won't be any.

Admitting that your startup has failed is incredibly difficult for most wannabe entrepreneurs. He thought his idea was good and poured his heart and soul into it. I expect he believes it should work but knows it has already failed and can't yet come to terms with that. Mental health problems at this stage are very common. The idea of returning to employment is hard. Everyone knowing he failed is appalling to him (in reality no one cares or actually respects him for trying).

It is like dealing with an addict. Secretive, habit feeding, lies.

If you want to know the truth you will have to force the issue. Hard. He will resist. Hard.

[HidingInTheHills]

It is a good business idea, he has a good business head, a great team, he has had people approaching him about it, including investors, but no bites yet.
Interesting what you say, runrabbit, it is like he's addicted to the chase. There is always a meeting coming up that is full of potential but turns out to be 'interesting' but nothing more. He won't give it up though, he says he has no choice, it's like he's gambled everything on it. But at the same time, it does feel like he's getting close to investment, but maybe I've fallen for it too.

[HidingInTheHills]

Spare bed, yes we have one. He would see that as the ultimate rejection though.

[LineyReborn]

You are entitled to get some sleep. It might help you think things through.

How many hours is he actually working?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Tell him it's the penultimate rejection and he'll be sleeping alone until he comes clean and levels with you as to what state his new business is in.

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

Experian check won't hurt at this point.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Hopefully he will get a bite from investors and it will be big enough and long term enough to keep him going.

He has to be able to openly discuss his close out / failure plan with you. If he can't even discuss the alternatives to total success then that's when you know the mental health issues are biting instead of the investors.

Potential investors may spot that he's gone into that deluded pseudo religious entrepreneur state where he can't make sensible stop-go decisions. Statements of "no choice" suggest it has all become wrapped up in his own self worth. If he can't make chief executive type decisions around disaster planning, funding droughts, how long to keep running, when to fold, dormancy, downsizing, selling up etc. well, that's a red flag to an investor not just to you.

Spare bed, yes we have one. He would see that as the ultimate rejection though.
Fuck that. If he is drinking and snoring, he is leaving you with no choice now is he? To treat it as a rejection is deeply deeply selfish. When he stops the snoring (see GP, stop drinking, loses weight maybe) then you'll happily go back by the sounds of it, he has got to take responsibility for the effects of his behaviour.

[HidingInTheHills]

Experian all ok.

Runrabbit, thank you, that is very helpful and helps me take a step back. I do think his mental health is taking a hit.

I can see I've been sticking my head in the sand. I really want it to work for him, but I'm also frightened of rocking the boat because I'm not sure I want to deal with the fallout. I need to pull my big girl pants up and deal with it.

[magiccatlitter]

If he has no investors or money coming in, what exactly does he do all day?

Maybe it would have been better to keep working and do the business on the side until he actually got some investors or money coming in.

[LineyReborn]

Exactly. A lot of people successfully do some paid work to help pay the bills whilst starting up.