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Want to separate but dh accuses me of causing a broken home

(36 Posts)
guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 13:36:24

My husband and I have not been on good terms for over a year now. We moved abroad from London 16 months ago and it has not done any good for our relationship.

In a nutshell, here are the reasons I want to separate:

- there is no love and affection
- gets very very drunk every weekend, so much so he cannot function or participate in family life the next day
- he refuses to learn to drive, so I do all the driving and pay for all car costs
- he has no interests other than drinking and watching fishing programmes on telly
- he cannot discuss any relationship matters without being very defensive and telling me my behaviour is unacceptable (I do none of the above!)
- he organises nothing (not holidays, childcare, bill payments, kids birthdays, Christmas etc)
- he never tidies up anything!
- he is totally apathetic in terms of his career
- I should not admit this but he is slim with an enormous beer belly that I find unattractive and worry what this means health-wise. Although if all the above points were the opposite, I probably wouldn't mind the beer belly TBH...
- he has no respect for me
- never pays me any compliments
- calls me vile names in his sleep

I want to try a separation to clear my head and work out if I am happier without him. I feel like I deserve more. However when I try to discuss it with him, he never wants to. It's always 'not now'.. But will not agree to a time when he wants to.

He refuses to leave. I can afford to finance me and the kids without him (I do anyway). If he left he would not be able to finance him. He would also not be fit to look after them on the weekends when he has a hangover. I also pay for a live out nanny/maid which means living by myself without DH would be very doable.

How do I discuss a separation with him? I really do not want to live with him anymore. Together for 9 years, 2 under 5's, living in SEA.

Shakey15000 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:39:23

Tell him it is HIM that has caused a "broken home" by not engaging in either family life or your relationship. Are you able to leave? I appreciate that it would be better if he left the household but if he's refusing, could you and the children leave instead?

Seeyounearertime Tue 03-Nov-15 13:41:45

Ultimatum time. Discuss it now or you're leaving with the kids.
If he doesn't discuss it, doesn't acknowledge etc. Leave with the kids.
You haven't caused a broken home, he has.

Or do you specifically want him to leave? That may be more tricky because he'll likely jut refuse to go.

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 03-Nov-15 13:42:46

You don't need his agreement to move out, and it seems that that is what you're looking at, since he's determined to be obstructive.

BoboChic Tue 03-Nov-15 13:43:03

He's blaming you for "causing a broken home" to deflect attention from the real problem which is him not doing anything.

Just tell him it's over.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-Nov-15 13:44:05

These problems in your marriage existed long before the move to London but at least you are now in the UK.

Many abusive types often refuse to leave but no man is above the law. He refuses to leave simply and only because he has had a cushy existence with you to date. He cares not a jot for his children or you for that matter, only his own self.

I would seek legal advice if you have not already done so with a view to divorcing him asap (rather than just separation). He is a poor role model of a father to his children and a poor example of a husband to you.

I doubt very much he will be at all amenable in any case and will make all aspects of you separating from him as hard as possible.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; they deserve better now and so do you. Leave this drunkard to his own devices.

LeaLeander Tue 03-Nov-15 13:48:37

"If" you would be better off without him????

That's like asking "if" you would be better off without cancer. Jesus. What example does he set for your poor kids? Why would you even contemplate staying?

pocketsaviour Tue 03-Nov-15 13:51:39

Your kids are already in a broken home. If you kick him out, it'll go a long way to fixing it.

As an aside, you don't really believe he's asleep when he calls you vile names, do you?

AnotherEmma Tue 03-Nov-15 13:52:24

"These problems in your marriage existed long before the move to London but at least you are now in the UK."

I thought it was the other way around. OP, do you want to stay in the country you're in? If so it should be quite simple. If you want to move back to the UK, it might be more complicated, as you would need his permission to take the children.

But either way, you should definitely end the relationship. Maybe get some legal advice about what to do if he refuses to leave the family home?

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 13:54:19

The tricky thing with me moving out is that as part of my job, we have a family housing allowance and the school I work for have organised a lovely condo near to school. So he would not be able to stay here by himself. The school would however put him in a smaller place sharing with another TA. We have signed a contract so we cannot move out until next July, but I am sure in extenuating circumstance the school would find a smaller shared place just for my husband.

He will not admit to one failing on his behalf, not one. The problems did exist before but not to the same extent and I think that the fact we now live abroad has highlighted them. Also it means he has a whole group of younger drinking friends he can go boozing with (they are literally 20 years younger than him with no children). Hence why he thinks his drinking behaviour is normal. He's 43.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Tue 03-Nov-15 13:55:30

Where exactly are you? Sorry but SEA doesnt mean much to me!

Where you are does make a difference as to what your rights are over the house, kids etc.

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Nov-15 13:55:53

Attila, she's not in the UK, she's in South East Asia.

OP, how come he couldn't support himself if you separated?

ChunkyPickle Tue 03-Nov-15 13:58:10

TBH you hold all the cards here. You're asking for a trial separation, which is reasonable, he needs to engage and work with you before this goes beyond redemption (perhaps it already has)

If he won't move out, then, as the employment permit holder you can just get his spousal one cancelled and force him to move back to the UK.

That would be playing hardball though.

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 14:00:54

Well he could support himself but not two kids. He is on a low wage as he is a TA and I am a teacher. It's a long story but he trained as an actor and then did odd jobs until we decided to move abroad. We live in KL, Malaysia. We married in the UK Feb 2013. The school offered him a job as it is quite a common set up to have a teacher and a TA employed as a couples package.

I have managed to persuade him to pay 2 small bills a month, but the rest of his money goes on beer and vape stuff.

AdoraBell Tue 03-Nov-15 14:07:33

Sounds like it's already broken and you are not the one who has broken it.

IMO you would be repairing the DC's home and family life by removing the them from the current situation.

I saw a psychologist advising a parent that it is better to be from a broken home than to grow up in a broken home. I agree with this completely, having grown up in a broken home myself.

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 14:07:43

He also lies to me about his drinking. He will wake up with a raging hangover mid morning and drink 3/4 bottle of wine to ease the pain, alone, whilst I am out with the kids. If I try to say that that is not normal and that most people with a raging hangover would not want to touch a drop, his comeback is 'like you never drink wine at lunchtime?'. I do very occasionally on holiday or Sunday lunch but this is social and not a regular thing. And definitely not after a 10 hour drinking binge.

He is in total denial.

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 14:09:29

Thank you AdoraBell. This is what I feel. Surely it is better for our kids to have two happy parents, than two parents who argue all the time.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-Nov-15 14:11:21

It seems to me that it is time to play hardball and get his cocklodging arse out of your home using any lawful means as, quite apart from being a drain on your finances, he is an appalling role model for your dc.

Talk to the school about arranging shared accomodation for him - it's possible that his flatmate will be one of the younger set he currently enjoys drinking with which should please him.

Alternatively, look for a room in shared house near a bus stop, move his stuff in, and don't forget to take his keys to your condo off him before you boot his idle arse out with the assistance of the local police if necessary.

AnotherEmma Tue 03-Nov-15 14:11:40

He's definitely an abusive alcoholic. That much is clear.

Hope they have good lawyers where you are!

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-Nov-15 14:14:51

Having read your update at 14.07, he's an alcoholic and, as there's no reasoning with them, the onus is on you to do whatever's needed to get him out of your home and away from your dc.

It is perhaps a blessing that he doesn't drive as you won't have worry about him driving while drunk with the dc in the vehicle.

Seeyounearertime Tue 03-Nov-15 14:17:56

Sounds like you need to let him go drinking and pack his stuff whilst he's gone, change the locks and not allow him back in.
Might be a bit extreme mind you and o don't know the laws of SEA.

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 14:20:21

I sometimes wonder if that's is why he he refuses to take his test, as he knows that he will not be fit for driving.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. I need to be brave and speak to the school about rehousing him. I really want this to be the last resort but as he will not discuss anything I do not see a future.

What do I say to our children who are oblivious to his failings? They are only 3 and 5.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 03-Nov-15 14:24:43

Is he employed by the school too? If so, you may be able to persuade him that it's better for him to move voluntarily than be exposed as a drunk an alcoholic as it's highly probable that blood tests will show he's over the limit all day and every day. '

HorseyCool Tue 03-Nov-15 14:27:39

at 3 and 5 just say that Daddy is going to live somewhere else, both Mummy and Daddy love them very much but will be living apart.

guildingthelily Tue 03-Nov-15 14:30:23

Very good point goddessofsmallthings.

He is not raving drunk every day, but his weekend binges are really taking their toll physically and mentally on him. His face is puffy, eyes are glassy and he is very lethargic.

I do not want the rest of my life to be like this. I want to be with someone who has a zest for life, someone who listens to my worries and who pitches in to family life willingly.

Every time he does anything with the kids, he brings it up literally a year later as an example of what a doting father he is. He once took them to a kids party because I had school reports to write. It still gets mentioned 12 months later. I take them to kids parties by myself because he is in bed sleeping with a hangover (most weekends!)

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