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This might be the end

(20 Posts)
PurplePoppies Tue 03-Nov-15 13:34:06

My marriage is at an all time low and may be about to end.

We have been together a long long time, since we were teenagers but our lives have changed so much since having children. I don't fancy him at all, he keeps trying to reconnect my instigating cuddles but when he does I freeze because I know he will want it lead to something.

Our lives seem to be trying to get through an endless to do list of domestic tasks while looking after children, all done while exhausted from years of broken sleep.

If I fancied him it would be much better, he would be happier which would make us all happier, but I don'tknow how I can make that happen.

What am I doing to our children? Either staying like this or separating, both options are bad for them. He wouldn't want us to separate but I can't seem to stop picking at faults and provoking arguments.

Maybe there is no advice that anyone can really give me, I just need to work out what to do myself. I suppose I needed to write my thoughts somewhere. I can't talk to anyone in real life. I have very few friends anymore and they are all married to my husband's friends so not appropriate to talk to. My family isn't lo option either as it world put them in such an awkward position as obviously they are related to him too

He is a really nice man, I am lucky to have the life that I do. It seems like madness to potentially throw it away just because I don't fancy him.

Seeyounearertime Tue 03-Nov-15 13:47:59

Simplify things a little.
Are you happy? How do you think life will be in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Rght now the situation isn't great for the kids. You can be a great Mum an he a great dad even when not living together.

pocketsaviour Tue 03-Nov-15 13:56:12

How many children do you have and how old are they?

Jan45 Tue 03-Nov-15 17:12:47

It would be madness for me to stay with a man I was not in love with and yes fancied.

You either feel it or you don't, all you can is a last ditch attempt by spending time together as a couple, it's such a waste of everyone's time to drag a relationship on that's already dead.

StrawberryMouse Tue 03-Nov-15 19:41:21

You sound exhausted, it's no wonder you don't want to have sex. Years of no sleep and domestic drudgery will do that to a person. Is it definitely him you don't fancy or is your sex drive a bit sleepy in general?

PurplePoppies Tue 03-Nov-15 21:57:09

Children are 2 & 5 and are quite a handful.

I'm not happy at the moment. It feels like there is hardly a moment to breathe. My day is get everyone up and fed and get out the door for nursery / school, then straight to work for me. As soon as work finishes race back home to get the children, feed them, put them to bed. Then we have a couple of hours when we eat then I do household jobs (washing, supermarket delivery, get children's bags ready for the next day) while D H works. Then we go to bed and start again the next day.

PurplePoppies Tue 03-Nov-15 22:02:45

I can imagine life will be better in the future when everyone all sleeps well, or when the children are more independent, but I worry that by that point the damage to our relationship will have been done. I am also wary of always looking towards the next milestone rather than trying to appreciate the positive things that I have now.

I think our life right now is very intense in terms of family life and work and I worry that we are not strong enough to get through it.

I have no sex drive at all, it is not specific to DH. Right now I wouldn't mind if I never had sex again to be honest.

Indiechic Tue 03-Nov-15 22:21:13

You're me. We can't communicate any more and argue a lot. Like is pretty shit and relentless at the moment. Like you I look forward to it easing in the future, but we're destroying everything now. It's so hard for me to identify if it's the stress/tiredness/relentlessness or two people who simply do not get on. Sorry, no advice.

Indiechic Wed 04-Nov-15 07:52:35

I don't know if my dh is a nice man though, but that too could be stress.

jaffacake2 Wed 04-Nov-15 07:58:09

Can you manage to get some time away together ? Grandparents doing childcare for the weekend ? You might then reconnect or at least have the mental space to think it through. It is so hard when children are small and demanding. We can forget who we are and why we are together.

Diggum Wed 04-Nov-15 08:02:19

Purple thanks.

It sounds like maybe you need to work on things within yourself a little before you write off your relationship.

You sound so bogged down in the day to day grind and not being able to appreciate the here and now.

Would you ever consider looking Into some mindfulness-based counselling, or even a course of mindfulness meditation? It can sound a bit nebulous but it helps clear out the crushing emptiness of just going through the motions and brings a sense of joy in being present in the moment, even if it's a crap or boring moment.

Sorry if that sounds fluffy or vague but I'd really urge you to investigate it a bit. I think you need to find a way to did some sense of happiness within before you'll be able to early deal with whether the relationship os worth working on.

Diggum Wed 04-Nov-15 08:03:26

So many typos. Sorry!

Whoknewitcouldbeso Wed 04-Nov-15 08:09:04

When you say about not fancying your DH, do you think you might fancy him if you could refind your sex drive or do you really think he is no longer attractive to you? Reason I ask is you may find your sex drive returns as your stress lessens.

If you can afford it (say, £20-50/wk), I can't recommend a cleaner enough. It's not poncy: it's a life-saver.

Mellifera Wed 04-Nov-15 09:35:46

Your life sounds stressful and not very well balanced - work/life balance I mean, you seem to have all work, no play.

If you don't fancy anyone else and say your DH is a decent man, I would try my utmost to save your marriage. Yes, small dc and stress, full time jobs, sleep problems and household can take all your energy away. No wonder there is none left to maintain your relationship.

We started to go out every Saturday and Sunday for a couple of hours on our own, without any of the 3dc, to cafes, pubs, walks in the woods, anything really just being a couple. Luckily the youngest can be looked after by eldest, but even if not, we would have started hiring a babysitter.

Going out in the evenings is nice too, but I found it even more tiring the next day when my little one was small. The most important bit was starting to feel as a couple again, not just being mum and dad, cleaner, worker, cook, general dogsbody.

We have had times when I felt no desire at all. I think it's the body's way to conserve energy when you are already running on reserve.

A cleaner is a good idea, I've always had one when the dc were very small. Just to take the pressure of having to clean the bathrooms off me. Only 2 hours a week for bathrooms, hoovering everywhere and mopping made a huge difference for £20.

When I worked full time with 2 under 4 I also had an ironing service, one basket of stuff ironed a week (all work stuff) so I didn't have to worry about DH or me not having anything to wear after a particularly awful night with the sleep-refusing toddler. Or having to yank the ironing board out in the morning.

Those years with little children are mostly about surviving with your sanity and relationship still intact. Whatever it takes imo. Don't let anyone guilt you, don't feel guilty yourself, stop putting pressure on yourself to do it all yourself.

I read a lot about the paradox of parenthood. How children are more or less seen as the ultimate thing to make humans happy, but in reality they are a shock to the system, an incredible challenge mixed with joy.
There are books about it, the one I liked best was written in my mother tongue, but there are English ones like "All joy and no fun - the paradox of modern parenthood" by Jennifer Senior. There are lots more books on this paradoxon.

Good luck OP. I'm a few years down the line, my youngst is almost 7, and my marriage survived, sometimes it was difficult, but I never felt it wasn't worth it.

Mellifera Wed 04-Nov-15 09:40:52

PS. I really don't think you should focus on why you don't fancy your DH anymore, my guess is that when you start de-stressing your life, your desire will come back on its own, if there are no other underlying issues (abuse, etc).
Marriage counselling/therapy is also a good idea, before you give up on your relationship.

Mellifera Wed 04-Nov-15 16:56:55

Great, I killed the thread. Sorry Op.

PurplePoppies Wed 04-Nov-15 20:35:41

The paradox of parenthood idea is interesting and resonates with meh I will have a read

I agree that I, and we, need to have more fun. We try to get a baby sitter once every couple of months and have an evening out, but it doesn't seem like much compared to pre children

We have had a cleaner for a while and do minimal ironing.

I also miss time on my own which is so hard to fit in now.

I need to work on improving our quality of life to make things more fun.

PurplePoppies Wed 04-Nov-15 20:36:22

Me not meh!

Diggum Wed 04-Nov-15 21:03:36

Great posts here and OP I totally agree with the difficulty in even getting time to yourself.

I had a morning once when DP was off and I went for a massage and then had lunch on my own with a great book and a glass of wine. Life seemed very sweet and I went back to DP and DD with renewed enthusiasm. Definitely worth while making time for some dates with yourself too.

Best of luck with it all.

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