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Family- Husband

(18 Posts)
rahanjuly16 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:13:56

Hi,
I have been married for 12 years. Moved from India to London in 2005.In India, my husband was totally dependent on me financially. His behaviour was really good initially 2 years. He is working as a doctor in NHS and is financially independent now in London. He has been chatting with many women for the past 10 years. 2 yrs ago, I went to India on holidays to get his mom treated who is a cancer patient. When I came back, I realised that he was staying with an escort/call girl for 20 days which he has called from india. Somehow he just apologised and I also forgave him. Now he is seeing another women in London. I have 7 yr old son. Can someone please advise what should I do? I don’t have any family in this country and am quite emotionally dependent on him as I have never stayed alone. Also, what are my rights in this country? Also, please suggest some good family solicitor in London preferably- North London.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 05-Nov-15 09:55:06

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic so the OP can get some support. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Nov-15 10:13:35

Wow - I don't really know what to say.
My first thought is to contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
This guy is a misogynistic arsehole with no respect for you or your DC what-so-ever.
I cannot believe you forgave him for bringing a prostitute over from India while you were away sorting his mother out.
That is beyond reproach.
He must have done a real number on you for you to think that any of this is in any way acceptable.
He's done it again because you let him get away with it.

Womens Aid run something called the 'Freedom Programme' You need to sign up to attend this.
I have no doubt that you are more than capable to be able to cope on your own without this cheating fuckwit bringing you down.

Get him gone and do it fast.

rahanjuly16 Thu 05-Nov-15 10:17:59

Thanks hellsbellsmelons, the only problem is that i don't have any friend or family in this country and he is making good use of it. Even in India, i lost my parents 15 years ago and have no sibling. He knows very well that i am all by myself.Can someone please guide me about my rights in UK as i am a British Citizen.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Nov-15 10:32:05

Contact citizens advice bureau and get some advice from them as a first port of call.
Do you have access to money?
Do you work?
If you do have access to money then get yourself to a solicitor and quick sharp.
A lot of them give a free half hour anyway.
They can tell you all your rights.
Do you own your home or rent? Who is on the rent agreement or mortgage?

rahanjuly16 Thu 05-Nov-15 10:43:46

I am an IT Professional and my husband is a doctor.I am so confused whether i should move on or should continue to stay with him like this.

WitchWay Thu 05-Nov-15 10:48:21

You can't stay with him, surely sad

You need testing for sexual infections sad

mumblechum1 Thu 05-Nov-15 10:54:21

So far as the law is concerned, if you're a British citizen you have the same rights as anyone else. You obviously have an income, so the first step is to see a family law solicitor. Have a look at www.resolution.org to find a local, specialist divorce lawyer who will be able to take you through the divorce procedure.

Socially, it sounds as though you're very isolated. It may seem very scary at the moment if you have no family here, but as you're working, I'm sure that you probably have some friends or at least colleagues who could become friends in time. Once you have the divorce proceedings underway (which is just basically a form filling exercise - no need to go to court unless there's a dispute about money or children), you can start to build up some friendships through work, hobbies, maybe evening classes etc.

Good luck - you will be much happier without this man in your life.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Nov-15 10:58:34

I can't believe you are asking if you should stay.
Of course not. As I have outlined already.
And a PP is absolutely right. Get yourself to your nearest GUM clinic and get tested for STI/STDs
He is a lying, cheating, nasty, scumbag.
Cheating is NOT OK.
You do NOT have to put up with it.
You CAN end this and ask him to leave.
He IS a complete DICKHEAD!!

rahanjuly16 Thu 05-Nov-15 11:07:15

Thanks for all your support.We don't have any emotional or physical relationship. He doesn't even talk to my son.My only problem is that i am not very strong - emotionally. Not sure how will i take care of my son's needs on my own.I can do anything for my son- can even tolerate this nonsense.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Nov-15 11:38:30

But you already do everything for your son.
He doesn't even talk to him.
You will be far better off without him there.
That's a terrible relationship model your DS is learning.
Do you want him to turn out just like his dad??
I doubt it, so put a stop to it.
Stop the cycle and show him that a woman can do anything and everything quite happily on her own. She does NOT need a man to define her.
He's useless to you. So you know you can do this because you are already doing it.

DrMorbius Thu 05-Nov-15 11:44:24

I am an IT Professional and my husband is a doctor.I am so confused whether i should move on or should continue to stay with him like this

Not sure what your occupations have to do wiith staying with someone who cheats on you and puts your health and welfare at risk.

Are there no expat associations you can talk to? There must be lots of Indian community groups in the UK.

HorseyCool Thu 05-Nov-15 13:57:04

I would also suggest a call to Womans Aid, straight away.

Do you work in an office? are you close to anyone there? I am sure that your husband had discouraged friendships but now is the time to reach out, start smiling, speaking more to other Mums at your DS's school? Actively try to chat to colleagues, you will find people to talk to, you will build friendships.

When I left my ex I left the area all of my friends, 10 years later I now have fantastic friends that I count as family, I had to initiate this though.

Ex pat communities are a great idea too. Best of luck

rahanjuly16 Thu 05-Nov-15 14:03:26

Hi,
I work in an office with very few friends around. Husband is an alcoholic.The only fear is my job. If i lose my job, how will i take care of my son all alone.

pocketsaviour Thu 05-Nov-15 14:10:24

Why would you lose your job though? Anyway if you did you would do what everyone else does; claim benefits for a period before you find another job. If you are a skilled professional there is no reason you would be out of work for long.

Allgunsblazing Thu 05-Nov-15 14:11:51

Why would you lose your job?
See a solicitor and make sure you have wraparound care for your son when it all kicks off.
Make copies after all financial/important documents, make sure you keep proof of his adultery. Tell him to leave the house and you'll see him in court.
You are strong emotionally. He's trying to convice you that you are not, but you're a strong, brave and selfless woman. Show him what you're made of.

MushroomMama Thu 05-Nov-15 14:20:42

You're brave and strong for tolerating his very poor behaviour towards you and your son for so long.

When I split up with my ex I was very isolated but you can do it and you will do it.

Contact a family law solictor first and foremost. Research all your childcare options too. Make a budget for costs. Get busy get detirmined. You deserve love and respect.

HorseyCool Thu 05-Nov-15 15:38:39

In the UK you won't be judged for leaving your husband. It won't affect your job.

Call Women's Aid, they will give you great advice and give you contact details for local legal support.

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