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Practical advice for a confused and shaky person...

(32 Posts)
YouLostMeThere Tue 03-Nov-15 11:31:04

I think I might need to get a solicitor, but haven't got a clue how? I know that sounds drippy, but the prospect terrifies me because of what it means, but I would really appreciate some advice. Feeling so shaken and messed up in the head at the moment. I don't even know if I'll need the solicitor, but I need to know how to do it just for my peace of mind. And how do I pay for it??! Oh god, what a mess.

Leeza2 Tue 03-Nov-15 11:33:13

You sound very shocked . Do you want to say more about what has happened ?

YouLostMeThere Tue 03-Nov-15 11:44:59

Been unhappy in my marriage for a while as husband has been very angry and has outburst of unreasonable and quite scary anger, paranoia and anxiety. It all came to a head a few weeks ago and things changed in my. Mind from making excuses for him and trying to minimise, to thinking that maybe I was being deluded to think this was normal and acceptable and that things could work out. This weekend was horrible, (sorry trying not to be too specific as I don't trust husband not to spy on me), and I also had first counselling session on Monday. Their reaction to what I said really shocked me in that they instantly were concerned for my welfare and my kids. I feel scared shitless now that I have made a mountain out of a molehill, that I'm on a roller coasters that I can't get off. They said the relationship was abusive and they wanted me to talk to someone else. Youre right Leeza2, I think I'm a bit in shock.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 03-Nov-15 11:52:26

You have not made a mountain out of a molehill and what you are feeling is shock too. You have been likely very unhappy for a very long time purely because of your husband's abusive behaviours towards you all (which also smack of power and control).

Would you be able to talk to Womens Aid today on 0808 2000 247?. They have seen this type of scenario before and could help you further as well.

Keep posting here too.

springydaffs Tue 03-Nov-15 11:53:06

Contact Womens Aid to get support - practical and emotional - 0808 2000 247. Unfortunately lines are busy during the day so try to call at night or email them and they will get back to you. They will also have a list of local solicitors experienced in situations like yours.

Also do the Freedom Programme (click 'find a course' on the Freedom Programme site to find a course near you). The facilitators will support you both emotionally and practically.

Do you know how to keep yourself safe online eg deleting browsing history, passwords etc. Details on Women's Aid site.

Keep going, it's a shock but many of us have gone before you xx

springydaffs Tue 03-Nov-15 11:55:54

Women's Aid understand the need for security so put contact details in your email and good times to call. They won't identify who they are ie won't compromise your safety.

summerwinterton Tue 03-Nov-15 12:00:36

I agree - Women's Aid are the best bet for you atm. You poor love - you sound like you are utterly reeling. It will get better x

YouLostMeThere Tue 03-Nov-15 12:04:17

Thank you, good advice. I would have said a few weeks ago that I was certain I was not in any danger, and I'm pretty sure of that now. Basically my husband has a good heart but he has some serious issues which he just will not face, and the fallout affects me and our relationship. I can't bear the thought of him being hurt, but also I'm beginning to realise I might not be seeing things as clearly as I should. I feel like someone has gone into my head with a whisk and mixed everything up and now I'm doubting my own words. I feel like by just reading about EA I might be encouraging myself into believing that something is happening where it isn't. The thing that isn't in doubt is that I can't stop shaking and I feel extremely alone. We seem to have gone from being the couple who have it all to a mess of crap in a few weeks, and that's why I'm worried about making a mountain out of a molehill. Sooooo confused, and frightened that I've started something I can't stop.

summerwinterton Tue 03-Nov-15 12:21:04

You haven't started anything. Sounds like he has done a number on you for a very long time and you have been conditioned by him. Boiled frog analogy springs to mind.

pocketsaviour Tue 03-Nov-15 12:51:25

Please do talk to Womens Aid, they will be able to help you with getting a good solicitor.

I'd also recommend having a read of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available on Kindle. If you are short on cash and can't afford to buy it, send me a private message and I'll see if I can help.

Keep posting - there's lots of support here and many of us have been where you are now flowers

Leeza2 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:28:28

How you are feeling is completely normal in your situation . You are not crazy, you are not imagining things and you are not making it up . If you were, the counsellor woudl have given you completely different advice

They said they are concerned for you and your children - they woudl not have said this lightly . You are not on a roller coaster that you can't get off. But you do need to think carefully about keeping your children safe .

Your children need to be the focus of your concern - not figuring out what's wrong with your husband , why he acts like that , what his issues are , how he can be fixed, what he wants , how you can aviod hurting him etc

Leeza2 Tue 03-Nov-15 13:33:48

When you are feeling shocked like this, it's important that you remember to eat and drink , even if you don't feel like it . Try to avoid caffeine and alcohol as they will make you more anxious .

Do you feel ok to cope with the everyday routines of caring for the kids etc ? Remember you can ask for help from friends without having to tell them anything about what's happened .

It's fine to call someone and say " could you possibly collect jane from brownies tonight , I think I'm coming down with a virus / tummy bug "

YouLostMeThere Tue 03-Nov-15 15:11:07

That's very kind pocket. I am fine financially at the moment, it's more a case of he will know if I buy the book or download it onto kindle as he uses the same Amazon account. I will have to set up a separate one or something. I have heard of the book, and have looked at some of the behaviour and stuff covered in it I just never thought it really applied to us. I think that's the reason for the state of shock. I can't quite get my head round what is happening, but the more I think "how would I treat my husband in this situation" or "what would I think if X's husband did such-and-such", the more I see how unreasonable some of his behaviour is.
Leeza I'm struggling on with the day to day, and want to keep normality for the kids, but yes, eating is hard. I just don't feel hungry, I feel sick. I don't drink anyway so alcohol isn't a problem (that's his bag), but I might have a small but necessary caffeine habit!
Thank you people for listening, I really needed to talk and can't talk to womens aid yet.

Leeza2 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:17:13

If you have a debit card , it takes 5 mins to set up your own Amazon account . You can get purchaes sent to another address ( work, neighbour , friend ) if he opens your mail .

Do any of your friends know about how difficult your marriage is and how unhappy you are ? Is there someone you could confide in ?

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 10:02:45

I have only really told one friend, after particularly nasty outburst on his part, and she was shocked at what I said. That was the beginning of me realising that this was an unacceptable way to live and that things had gone rotten very slowly but surely and maybe that was why I had refused to notice? I have also had a chat with my mum about it, partly because he exploded in front of her and then gave us all the silent treatment for a whole night while we were staying in her house for her birthday. She had an emotionally abusive husband (my dad) and understands but rightly says she's not a very good sounding board as she didn't know what to do either. I haven't spoken to anyone else partly because I'm ashamed and partly because husband would hate it - he's very image conscious. Obviously I've told the counsellor as well... But I haven't really got much of a support network, everyone thinks we re the perfect couple. Ido t feel like I have the energy to bare my soul to people, and whatis I've got it all wrong? I'll end up looking like a prize chump. (I know that last bit sounds ridiculous, but I can't help the feeling)

springydaffs Wed 04-Nov-15 16:37:49

It's a common feeling - the victim taking responsibility for the end result. But once you get knowledge and info under your belt - via eg the Freedom Programme; Lundy Bancroft etc - that feeling will change

ImperialBlether Wed 04-Nov-15 16:43:46

If you work and can receive packages, I'm happy to buy you the Lundy Bancroft book and have it sent to your workplace.

Please do keep your RL friends up to date with what's happening to you, OP.

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 21:07:21

Thank you I really do appreciate the messages. I am just going through a moment of "I've compeletly blown this out of all proportion and it's not an abusive relationship, buck up woman" moment. Oh god. I really want to ring Womens Aid and see if they can tell me the difference between abusive and normal. Maybe they have a handy formula? ! That says something doesn't it?!!! I just don't know what place/state/anything I'm in any more. Feel like I'm going mad.

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 21:09:18

Imperial thank you, that's so kind. I have just set up own Amazon account and bought the book, but have to wait for it to be delivered. Waiting to get answers, I feel like I'm torturing myself....

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 04-Nov-15 21:13:20

If you are not in an abusive relationship, if you have blown it out of all proportion, Women's Aid will tell you that.

How could you have blown it out of proportion?

I doubt very much that everyone thinks you are the perfect couple. When you finally speak up I expect you'll have a lot of people telling you they always wondered why you put up with him for so long.

In my experience, if you have to question whether you are in an EA relationship, you are. I have had several such relationships, and then one which was not. I never have to question whether my current relationship is EA. Never. Not for one day in many years. I had no idea a relationship could be calm and stable until this one! I had no idea I could be in a calm stable relationship, anyway. I thought I did something to cause drama. Looking back, the thing I did to cause drama was tolerate drama and emotional abuse! Hindsight eh? The 3 past relationships I wondered AIBU? Am I losing my mind? Is this normal? Those were the EA relationships. You will only really see the reality of the situation when you have a bit of emotional distance and peace for comparison. If your mum also had similar relationships, you might well have grown up with a skewed idea of what a normal healthy relationship is. Stay strong, keep asking yourself what you would say to your best friend if she described your situation, then take your own advice.

People who are EA to their partners can be very good at hiding it. Lovely in public, the kind of person no-one would ever believe would be abusive in private. The second your front door closes, a whole different set of behaviours appears... So even if you seem the perfect couple to others, it means nothing. That kind of partner can also be obsessively concerned with impressing others, fitting in, being liked/loved publically. They can be very careful to behave when others are around, to ensure no-one believes anything you might say if you try to speak out and get help.

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 21:25:11

Rabbit I don't know how I can have blown it out of proportion, but I am massively doubting myself at the moment. I can't seem to believe my own feelings, my own words, I don't have any "anchor" to hold me steady in a train of thought. My dad was a big emotional abuser, and I think maybe I just can't see it properly because I've been assuming it's normal all my life. I feel like such a complete idiot for not knowing what's right.
Can I give an instance and see what you think? I was very ill last year, I was at home because I didn't realise how I'll I was. I had phoned the docs, and they had told me to go to A&E as soon as poss, and because I felt so poorly I handed the phone to husband to get details. He came off phone and said we have to go now. I was having trouble choosing or getting into clothes as felt so poorly, so he started shouting at me because I wasn't doing what I was told. He was yelling at me that I was arguing with him. I had a high temp and was in a lot of pain, and couldn't take it. I told him unless he stopped shouting at me I would call an ambulance, and then tried to do so. He then took away the landline phone and my mobile so I couldnt. I broke down in tears. No apology. We got to hospital and I was admitted for 4 days, and slept for practically 4 days. This isn't normal is it....?

YouLostMeThere Wed 04-Nov-15 21:27:30

irritable Yes! Your posts crossed mine, but they resonate so much! Thank you. Why can't I believe it????!

springydaffs Wed 04-Nov-15 21:51:24

What he did about the hospital was abuse, yes. Classic: you were vulnerable, powerless, he couldn't resist putting the boot in.

I was in a severely abusive relationship but even now, maybe 30 years later, I still wonder if it was. Which is mad, it totally was!

It can feel like an optical illusion: now you see it, now you don't. That's a lot to do with the smoke and mirrors abusers use.

Knowledge, info, is what anchors one. Get banned up on domestic abuse so you see and identify the facts when they present, not the feelings so much.

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