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Do rocky starts ever lead to love stories?

(78 Posts)
Banzai Tue 03-Nov-15 11:23:07

Which do you think is true?

"Some genuinely wonderful and time tested romances were born out of unclear circumstances, differing momentum or a host of other factors that stray from the archetypal boy meet girl, boy chases girl scenario. Everyone needs different fits for their relationships."

OR

All the "rules" which exist as firm indicators of the value of a new relationship. For example: Making sure someone ticks every box, wants the same things as you, follows all the tried and tested pattern of boy chasing girl.

What I mean is, do you think sometimes we place too much expectation on men at the start of new relationships to be 100% sure they want us, 100% sure they want a relationship and for them to play the role we expect?

noclueses Wed 04-Nov-15 19:14:21

so by rocky start, you mean when a girl is chasing? reading MN it does work quite often though mainly with shy men.

brokenhearted55a Wed 04-Nov-15 19:21:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Banzai Wed 04-Nov-15 19:44:05

No I don't mean where the guy is not very nice or dumps you.

I just mean that there is a "society led" stereotype of the perfect story. Boy meets Girl, boy asks girl out, she says no, then she says yes, then he takes her on a date, calls her the next day and thanks her for a lovely time, then then have a second date and a third and a fourth and it's all smiles and roses then they meet each others friends and family and get engaged and boom...happy ending.

I am talking about things that don;t follow that path.

For example as noclueses says, maybe the girl does the chasing.

Maybe he doesn't call after the first date.

Maybe he has some commitment issues that mean he takes a while to let you close.

Maybe he is going through a divorce and does not make you a priority for the first few months because things are going on in his life.

Maybe he likes you, but isn't madly in love with you on first sitght and you sort of grow on him.

Those sorts of things...departures from the norm or the textbook version you hear about on TV or at dinner parties.

I remember a while back I met a guy I didn't fancy at all, but he grew on me. He wanted to get married right away in the first few months but I wasn't feeling it and still wasn't over my ex I pushed people away and found commitment difficult. I blew hot and cold for the first 4- 5 months. But in the end we spent more time together and we fell in love and ended up having a lovely relationship.

That story, if you reversed and I was a man and he was a woman then I think people would be screaming "dump him, player", but reality was i was still bruised and needed a little time and patience.

What do you think?

Banzai Wed 04-Nov-15 19:50:41

It might help if I explain I am asking because I am experiencing my first "non traditional" relationship, where yes...boy met girl and asked girl out but the boy has some commitment issues and requires a little patience. He's not a player or a bad boy but he certainly isn't sending me roses and trying to escalate the relationship quickly. I must say though he is a wonderful man, who has never treated me anything but well and who is consitent in showing his interest but simple very slow moving and requiring a lot of space. I feel in some ways "cheated" out of the romance in a way (he never calls after dates or sends flowers or does any of the things I might be used to) but he definitely mkes me feel listened to and cared about and we are slowly becoming closer emotionally.

As it's diferrent to what perhaps my pre-concieved expectations were there's a part of me that wonders if he is luke warm about me; yet I am not sure this is not just because of the stereotype in my head which might nt always be the best indictor. Certainly elements of the relationship and bond between us are red hot, and I feel so much affection and wonder form him towards me at times - but it's no romantic comedy script - that is for sure. I have had to at times spell out for him what I need and really get quite practical about communication.

I was just wondering if people have seen real and true love stories stem from what might not have been traditional circumstances.

BrandNewAndImproved Wed 04-Nov-15 19:51:20

I think if someone's a dickhead then they're a dickhead.

It doesnt really matter if they have commitment issues or not if your basically a nice person you will ring when you say your going to and turn up when you say your going to.

We need to stop using commitment issues as an excuse for being a dickhead.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 04-Nov-15 19:52:49

Your ideas of abnormal are a bit mad.

Maybe he likes you, but isn't madly in love with you on first sitght and you sort of grow on him.

That is absolutely the most normal thing I have ever heard of. Almost every good relationship I know of started like that.

Loads of people meet through work, hobbies, studies, going out in mutual friend groups, so the "dating" scenario isn't really that normal either.

Almost everyone I know who is divorced says they realised it wasn't quite right fairly early on but stayed for reasons they later regretted.

Banzai Wed 04-Nov-15 19:56:08

I have probably phrased that badly. I know for sure most men I know, when they have met "the one" or the girl they ended up with, for the most part came back from that first date buzzing - saying "I really like this girl" and wnated to phone her right away, maybe even that night and chat with her for as long as possible and see her again as soon as possible and as much as possible.

That's been a push and pull situation with my new man. He says he did feel that way after first date, but didn't act on it because was wary of moving fast.

So that is what I am really asking.

Mainly because it feels completely right, with him, but at the same time he's not following the script I would be used to in a new relationship if that makes sense.

Epilepsyhelp Wed 04-Nov-15 20:07:21

I think there are love stories from pretty much every kind of beginning, same as there are failures. I don't think you can extrapolate from anyone else's experience here.

I get that you want to discuss it and want everyone to tell you 'slow burners are the best' - doesn't matter how many people say it, it won't change how he feels about you now or how he might in the future.

If you like him enough give him time, but don't hang around forever if it's not moving forward.

sparklesnpearls Wed 04-Nov-15 20:08:04

The guy I've just finished with said he was besotted from the first date! I unfortunately didn't although I did like him but thought he was a bit dull. I stuck it out for 3 months hoping he'd 'grow on me' but sadly he didn't n just began to irritate me towards the end

Banzai Wed 04-Nov-15 20:12:23

I think what I am wondering is "if they are not besotted and committed to a future from day one does this mean there is not as strong a connection as someone who is besotted fromt he first date".

I'm not worried about it really....I am enjoying what we have, and I think he does really like me but wants to move a lot slower than I have experienced before. I just wasn't sure if this was a bad sign. Maybe not.

there's deifnitely a lot of passion and fire compared to relationships past.

whirlybird42 Wed 04-Nov-15 20:14:57

I really didn't fancy Dp on our first date. I dumped him straight afterwards and he was so lovely and kind we ended up becoming friends and then dating again later on. That time there was proper chemistry.
We're 5 years on now smile

There's lots about him that isn't necessarily what I'd choose but he makes up for all of it by being incredibly kind, caring, funny and lovely with my dcs too. I'm sure a single mother of two wouldn't have been top of his wish list either tbh.

whirlybird42 Wed 04-Nov-15 20:19:06

I don't mean that single mothers of two are a poor deal - that came out wrong. Dp was never the paternal type though and i only now appreciate what a leap of faith he took with my rowdy crew.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 04-Nov-15 21:46:12

there's deifnitely a lot of passion and fire compared to relationships past.

Do you mean hot sex or shouty fights?

Banzai Wed 04-Nov-15 22:05:10

No, more like endles snogging and desire to see each other sort of thing.

Cabrinha Wed 04-Nov-15 22:27:54

I am aghast that your idea of a romantic start is a man asking a woman out, her saying no, then saying yes.

What kind of bullshit is that?
That women have to play games?
That we don't know our own minds and have to be persuaded?
That - god forbid - no doesn't mean no?

I recommend you stop looking for stories in everything and just judge a relationship on its own merits.

Cabrinha Wed 04-Nov-15 22:31:12

And why do some women get hung up on being sent flowers?

Yep, that's what you need - flashy, easy, lazy shorthand instead of genuine effort hmm

katienana Wed 04-Nov-15 22:32:12

When I met dh we were quite young and for the first 3 or 4 months our relationship was on and off. Things can turn out well if there is a good person involved!

TimeToMuskUp Wed 04-Nov-15 22:33:11

I think it depends on the sort of person you are, and where you are in life. As for being besotted from the first date, I'm not a huge believer in that. I think it takes time to build up that intensity of feeling, and the start of a relationship is just butterflies and excitement which people mistake for deeper feelings.

There again, my Grandma met my Grandpa when she was 14, said she always knew he'd be the man she'd marry. Met him again by chance at 17 and they were married for 64 years before he passed away. She always maintained it was an immediate connection between the two of them. Who is anyone to say what is or isn't the right way to begin a relationship?

venusandmars Wed 04-Nov-15 22:34:42

I'm wondering two things - where did you get such a stereotyped concept of the 'boy meets girl' script? And what has been happening in your life that the relationships you've had so far have conformed to your expected pattern?

I'm long in the tooth and I don't think that the fairy-tale story or the sending flowers stuff has ever happened in my life....

I work in an area that deals with relationships and honestly there is so much variety in how people meet, show their initial attraction, develop a relationship, fall in love, fall out of love, fall back in love, etc. So YES there are many rocky starts that lead to wonderful, deep and enduring love stories.

Stop wondering about a theory and enjoy the real story of your unfolding life.

springydaffs Wed 04-Nov-15 22:37:30

Sending flowers???!!

Hey! You! Get off of them clouds!

marzipanmaggie Wed 04-Nov-15 22:41:33

Relationships start in all sorts of ways and relationships which follow a "script" are no more likely to work than those which don't. Also I'll stick my neck out and go against the MN grain and say that there are cases when one person in a relationship can be unsure at the start and can dick the other one around and things can turn around. I'm the product of an extramarital affair which turned into a long and very happy marriage, so its just not true that relationships which start from affairs always end in tears.

But I think you have to be comfortable with where something is going. If he doesn't buy you flowers and doesn't feed the need to call you after every date that may or may not bother you. If it doesn't, and things are otherwise good and you feel respected and cherished, fuck the script.

But if you start to feel you are putting in more than you are getting out or your gut is telling you something isn't right, don't ignore this.

You know what your comfort zone is and what feels right for you. Do what makes you happy. But don't wait endlessly for him to come around if he isn't showing any signs of wanting to do so....

marzipanmaggie Wed 04-Nov-15 22:42:17

feel the need. Not feed the need.

Toffeelatteplease Wed 04-Nov-15 22:42:25

I think you are over thinking it.

Does he make you happy?

Morganly Wed 04-Nov-15 22:52:52

Most couples I know knew each other in some way before they started dating, maybe through work or maybe through being part of the same friendship group. So they were attracted to each other and already liked each other before one of them plucked up the courage to make the first move. So it was more of a slow build than the "script" you describe. Isn't that just from books, TV, films etc, or is this more a reflection of on line dating?

I can't work out whether yours is a healthy and normal slow build, but you have been misled by romantic fiction into thinking there is something missing, or whether the "rocky" start is something more worrying, i.e. he's not actually that into you but you'll do for now or he's deliberately keeping you insecure in order to keep you where he wants you.

How did you meet and how did you get together?

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