Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Question. Those with DP's and don't live near each other, how often do you communicate?

(25 Posts)
showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 10:53:52

I've been with my DP for nearly 2 years and don't live together. We see each other every weekend, mainly because of distance, work and kids

Those who are in a similar situation, how often do you text / call each other? Does one more than the other?

dontaskdonttell Tue 03-Nov-15 10:57:40

When DH and I were long distance, we would text quite a lot, would ring each other a couple of times a day. We are now married and live together and we still text in the day sometimes, just chit chat, he likes to know how my day is going with the kids. But equally we can go ages without contact at all because he's army and is away a lot and often without any contact for 4-6 weeks because they are not allowed their phone all the time.

I think it depends on what you are comfortable with and what you are looking for because every one is different. Are you happy with the level of contact you are having?

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 11:31:28

The level of contact varies for no particular reason. Sometimes he texts first but not until later in the day, then others I'll text him first thing. I always worry I text him too much though so try and let him set the 'tone'. Normal practice is that he'll call before bed nearly every night too

Am I happy with level of contact? I'd like more to be honest - I'm quite a romantic and like to feel that he's thinking about me - just wondered what was normal (if there is such a thing)

Your relationship sounds great smile

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats Tue 03-Nov-15 11:40:04

We don't speak on the phone much - I prefer texting but we do talk at bedtime once or twice a week (we are usually together two or three nights a week). We rely on texts - several times a day, though with varying levels of intensity. Always a hello in the morning and a good night at bedtime, with at least a couple in between and sometimes many more.

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 20:56:21

Here's today

A text from him about 11am. I reply. We exchange perhaps 3 each total

I text him after lunch - he texted back (two each)

Nothing since. He will probably call tonight, but may not

Am I too needy in wanting more contact than this? He is probably not even thinking about it! I have a busy life too, but would always make time to text and think about him often. I don't text first too often, as don't want to feel like I'm chasing - and certainly don't want him to think that

I'm probably totally overthinking this - I just feel 'forgotton about'

HellonHeels Tue 03-Nov-15 21:07:25

Boyfriend and I see each other at weekends (LDR) We text every morning without fail (unless either is somewhere that makes that impossible), one or other of us may send an afternoon or lunchtime text (usually we don't have time) and our normal practice is to talk on the phone from bed every night, even if only for a minute or two. If either of us is out late with friends we won't expect to talk but would typically text when we're home so other pseron gets a message when they wake. BF has dyslexia which makes texting harder for him so he prefers talking; I prefer texts so we compromise.

When we first got together he definitely wanted to keep in contact more regularly than I did; I was expecting to be in touch every couple of days. But because it was important to him I compromised and made an effort to meet his needs. Now I like being in touch every day.

Have you spoken to DP about what you'd like? After 2 years it seems a bit worrying that you are fretting about being needy or unsure about texting first. How comfortable do you feel just being yourself in the relationship?

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 21:14:58

It's not so much I feel unsure HellonHeels, I just don't want to be or feel like I'm a pain in the butt! And also, if I do instigate text messages more often, I think it will make me feel I'm more into us than he is and that fear of rejection controls me terribly - especially if he doesn't reply.. because he's genuinely busy or chilling

I try and keep my mind occupied, but as the periods of time not hearing from him go by, I question why he doesn't want to voluntarily text or call me and it starts really getting to me. Stupid probably - but can't help it!

Rankamateur Tue 03-Nov-15 21:46:02

Showsomwclass - I've just been pondering the same thing having only very recently met someone having been single for 4 years.

It's way too early to refer to him as my DP - we've been seeing each other since early October having been friends for a few months before. He lives an hour away.

So far, we've met up each weekend and it's been lovely, but I feel the closeness we're building 'dissipate' during the week. We always text for a bit later at night (mainly he initiates), but not during the day, although we both have very demanding jobs so that isn't entirely practical.

I already know that if the relationship develops I'll want more contact. Even just talking on the phone instead of texting - I'm not 15 ffs.

I completely share your fear of seeming too needy but have you spoken to him about this?

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 22:41:47

Hi Rankamateur - I know exactly what you're talking about!! We started calling most nights a few months after we met - but usually every night. But these last few weeks haven't been and not sure why

No, I haven't told him my fears.. we had a bit of an argument about 6 months ago and one of the things he said was that if he hasn't texted by half ten in the morning he felt bad and pressured to - and that's kind of stuck in my head. He's just left his highly pressured and stressful job of 11 years last week so one part of me things there's no reason why he couldn't contact more but the other thinks his mind must be completely preoccupied at the moment with stress of the future etc

I, of course, just feel ignored and unimportant. Then I feel selfish haha

ILiveAtTheBeach Tue 03-Nov-15 22:44:51

If you've been together for 2 years, and this is the real deal, you should be having the "let's move in together" talk.

Laska5772 Tue 03-Nov-15 22:56:42

Weve been together 23 years (married 9), he works away all week,. we talk / email ( rarely text as he doesnt do mobiles) once twice in that time.. .. both of us utterly committed to relationship, and dont worry..

Soon he will be retiring and we will live together full time for the first time in 20 years.. Now that will be a change... (im thinking i will build a shed/ chalet down the end of the garden.. for me!!)

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 22:58:32

I know

It's 11pm, he's just been online on social media, and still haven't heard from him since lunchtime.. this is the first time he hasn't called when just been at home for ages and ages

I don't want to call him going nuts at him - but feel so upset!! Am I completely deluded?

showsomeclass Tue 03-Nov-15 23:00:10

That's so nice laska - I'd love to be as comfortable in my relationship as that. I have been before in a LTR. Just feel very unsure and vulnerable right now and have no idea how to deal with it!! I'm not used to it!

Toffeelatteplease Tue 03-Nov-15 23:09:45

Some people don't want to live together. The OP might but there is no should about it.

At the start I wanted and was texting more frequently than DP and felt much as you did. He said he didn't want to text all the time as he was doing other things etc I think he may have said a similar thing. So I stepped back, often and a day or two could easily pass with no contact. He started making first move more and more. Now 2+ years later we text often first thing in the morning, lunch break and much if the evening. If anything now I'm a little suffocated! But equally if a day or two went by with no contact i wouldn't be worried either. It isn't always because they aren't keen.

Toffeelatteplease Tue 03-Nov-15 23:10:58

Not long distance but we don't live together

Laska5772 Tue 03-Nov-15 23:12:52

show Its different for everyone,of course, .I met Dh a few years after a carp tme with horrible 1st H and after i swore i'd never get involved again .. , We were both were single ps with small children (now grown up and we now have DGs and DGDs ) and we took it v slowly ( hence only being married 9 years!) ..

You have to do communication how best you both feel, but one thing i can advise is 'dont sweat the small stuff'.. , if you know 'deep down' that he cares.. then he cares.. whether he articulates it the way you want or not.... (no point in trying to change them.. Does that make sense..? perhaps not..)

cantmakeme Tue 03-Nov-15 23:17:25

Hmmm, I don't know, I suppose there is no "normal" in these things.

I have been with my partner for about 18 months, and we see each other twice a week. In between, we message (I don't have time for long phone calls, and don't like them either). He normally starts the day with a message, and then we both get on with work. Sometimes we message a load if there's a lot to say (or work is boring!) and other times it is less frequent.

Is the contact that important, or is it really that you feel you are more invested in this relationship than he is?

Laska5772 Tue 03-Nov-15 23:32:11

DH works away all week ,but home weekends..

LeaLeander Tue 03-Nov-15 23:57:25

To each their own but (age 50-ish) I come from a background where you don't contact people at work unless it's literally a matter of life or death. We never, for example, would have called either of my parents at work -- I did my dad once, shortly before he retired, in his 40-plus year career with the same employer. That has carried over into my adult life and I seem to have always encountered partners who feel the same. I've never felt the need to communicate with a lover during the school or work day unless it were something unavoidable such as "engine trouble, taking car to shop so won't see you tonight" etc.

I think people who grew up after the invention of the cell phone may interact differently or have expectation of more frequent contact. When I have been in non-cohabiting relationships, daily contact was not important to me and again, I seem to have found compatible mates in that regard. When I've casually dated men (usually on the younger end of the spectrum) who expect multiple calls per day or who get anxious without daily reassurance it's been a huge turnoff to me personally.

I typically find low-maintenance people to be far more attractive, whether as lovers or platonic friends, than the high-maintenance, clingy type. And to be honest, if people have that might time to text, type and talk -- what else are they doing with their lives? Are they engaged in anything absorbing or any endeavor that takes mental focus and concentration? I see what your beau meant about being pressured to come up with some sort of text by a certain point each morning. Maybe he's busy and focused on his work or on seeking work or whatever. People can be quite fond of one another without needing to be top of mind in one another's thoughts at all time.

showsomeclass Wed 04-Nov-15 00:12:51

Thank you all

I will be taking away something valuable from all of these comments. They are very helpful and refreshing so thank you for taking the time to write

I think I put unfair pressure on him, and myself, in many ways. He often goes more quiet when he is going through a hard time work wise or family wise and I usually take it personally but probably shouldn't. He's a good man, treats me extremely well and is always respectful and treats me with love and decency when we are together. I think perhaps he has a lot on his plate and just doesn't have the time or head space to give what I seem to be wanting in terms of more regular contact.

I do think I am more invested in the relationship and that is what is triggering my angst and uncertainty. The last thing I want to do is become a self-fulfilling prophecy so any tips on how to divert my mindset welcome!!

NerrSnerr Wed 04-Nov-15 02:25:28

Iliive There is no 'should'. I think my husband and I had been together about 6 years before we lived together.

OP- it's unfair to be upset with him unless you speak to him and tell him how yup feel. We used to have a long distance relationship and used to speak every 3 days or so and text a couple of timed most days. Some days there was no contact if we were very busy. It's similar now if one of us is away.

macshoto Thu 05-Nov-15 09:14:51

Slightly different situation - married 9 years - I work away in the week, but much of the same applies.

DW and I mainly communicate through Skype Messenger when I'm away. Almost every day there's some exchange of messages, but varies depending on how busy I am at work / whether she's out visiting friends. Much of that communication is practical stuff.

I call her and chat some evenings (maybe 50%) when I get in from work - but depends how late it is / how I feel and what she's got on.

Dowser Thu 05-Nov-15 11:02:49

Me and now DH lived 25 miles apart from one another for our first 3.5 years.

We saw each other Friday to Sunday nights at his place and Wednesday's .

In between I'd get an email once a day , and maybe a text. Now and again we would speak on the phone. If there was a need.

It was enough contact. I let him get on with his life and he got on with his. His work and dogs.

Don't push for more. Demonstrate how independent you are with your own life. Show you are a complete person and not someone needing to be propped up by constant displays of affection.

I would hate that to be honest. There's something very comforting in knowing the other one can get by quite adequately without constant input from the other. He doesn't need to feed your meter.

If you make it to the finish line and I sincerely hope you do , then ultimately one of you will have to continue their journey alone.

It's then you draw on these skills you are building now.

Dowser Thu 05-Nov-15 11:12:56

We had a blast together and I had a blast on my own. We had no trust issues and if you don't either and that's not what this thread is really about then cultivate your own life.

My DH had something he did on Wednesday's and he must have started to feel that Sunday through till Friday was a long time to go witgout seeing one another so he asked if he dropped his wednesdays could we meet up and because I loved the old softie I agreed.

Enjoy this time apart. It was a very , very special time in our relationship . There was somethingnice and old fashioned about getting dressed up because we were seeing each other that night but then we were silly old sods In our mid fifties.....

slicedcheese Thu 05-Nov-15 11:29:50

DH and I used to just see each other at weekends, we didn't live together until after about 6 years. Early on (the first year or so) we just texted a few times during the week. After a few years we got in the habit of sending a text every evening. We rarely phoned unless there was something to talk about or organise immediately (neither of us are keen phone users).

I've always been happy with that, I have a busy life and am often out the house until 9.30pm and not always in a situation where it's appropriate to be checking my phone. Now we live together and generally don't contact each other during the day. I'd find it a bit annoying to have to deal with non-urgent texts during a working day.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: