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Do I give new men too much of a chance?

(11 Posts)
GetYourArseToMars Mon 02-Nov-15 21:41:30

Since I started OLD I have been a bit tied in knots with various men. Previous dating always went well...generally speaking men I knew through work / friends and it was just the normal simple story of boy meets girl, you go out, you go out again and it just escalates into a relationship.

OLD has me a bit confounded and I am not sure if my problem is that I am waiting too long to dump. I do qualify them quite a while before going out with them. I make sure there's a physical attraction, I send them my worst pictures to save any diappointment!, I chat on the phone once or twice and then when I feel a growing attraction towards them and they are behaving in a way I think will work for me and with me we go out.

I've met four men this year via this method and only one turned out to be no chemistry, but he was very nice and we had a great time.

The other three have been a bit more difficult.

The first one I went out with once and had an amazing time, all very intense from his side and fun but he went away shortly after the first date and was gone a few weeks and barraged me with text messages and I thought he was mad about me. Then when he got back he started behaving very strangely. Disappearing for a few days and then coming back, hiding posts on Facebook, acting angry over nothing and each time he would do this I would walk off and think we were done and then he would come back full force begging me and pleading that he had been hurt in the past. I went along with this for about four months with only 6 dates in that whole time due to is various games but he was playing me like a fiddle and had three women on the go. Being honest I never felt a sense of trust for him, so despite fancying him I never slept with him.

The second one I went out with and felt no chemistry but we had a fantastic time anyway and he was so handsome and likeable that we ended up going out for three months. I didnt feel any emotional sense of intimacy, but he always took me to great places, was a perfect gentleman and communicated like clockwork and treated me like a lady. Conversation was always a little bit businesslike for my taste but it was fun until he broke down crying one night that he still loved his ex and was a mess inside. Again, I never felt close enough or attracted enough to sleep with him.

I never went to bed with either of them, but feel a bit miffed over wasting collectively 7 months of my life between the two of them and wonder if I should not have dumped much earlier instead of giving them time. I always tend to want to see what happens and give things a chance.

I am currently 3 months into dating man number 3 of 2015, and while this one is very diferrent to the others in that I feel a deep intimacy to him and strong sexual connection (we're sleeping together) he is, basically, quite hard work in many ways. On the good side, he is normal, he's a nice person, he talks things through with me, hI feel very comfortable and safe with him and like him very much. On the bad side, he drives me a bit mad because he gives nothing away, is slapdash with communication, he doesn't see me as much as I would like him to.

I have tried telling him very clearly what's lacking an what I want and there's been no change and so I am wondering if I am not just repeating history. My experience historically has always been that if you give people a chance you work things out but I am not sure if I am not wastin months of my life on people who are not quite right?

I really do want to meet and find a loving partner, but is this causing me to wait too long to dump?

In a new relationship is the other person meant to just work easily with you, or do you sometimes have to have a little patience?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 02-Nov-15 21:51:27

Trust your guts.

I have tried telling him very clearly what's lacking an what I want and there's been no change
Don't ask a person to change to be what you need. That's not fair on either of you. Recognise that they are not the person you need. And, most likely, you are not the person they need. Change the person you are with instead.

I am not sure if my problem is that I am waiting too long to dump
From your description, I would say that yes you are waiting too long to dump. Don't wait for them to change into the person you want! Move on and maybe you'll find the one who does give what you need.

Threefishys Mon 02-Nov-15 21:56:22

Agree with PP, maybe what he wants and what you want is just different so that makes you not a good match. Nobody should have to fundamentally change who they are/how they do things to be with a partner.

GetYourArseToMars Mon 02-Nov-15 21:57:25

I know what you're saying RunRabbit but I didn't go to him and say "please do this and change for me", what I did was listened to my gut, and figured to myself I wasn't feeling like a high priority on his list so I told him politely that it wasn't working and he was very upset and sad and asked me why, so I explained. This has happenned twice now and he doesn't actually change the things I mentioned. I feel a bit stuck in an uncomfortable situation where I am now biding time waiting for things to improve because he gets upset if I end it. I keep thinking surely if he wnated me to enjoy it he'd have listened to my issues (which were legitimate by the way) but it's a very slow process with him. I can't help feeling like Christmas is creeping up and half of me thinks to persevere because this one is special and he's a slow mover and the other half of me thinks "bugger this, I don't want to turn 40 (next week) with someone I am not even sure about".

GetYourArseToMars Mon 02-Nov-15 21:58:33

I do think I have a bit of a clock ticking, in that my birthday and Christmas are coming up and I am a bit sad I've never been married. I keep hoping each one is "the one" and it's going to finally happen for me! I feel on the shelf a bit.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 03-Nov-15 00:08:33

You are letting yourself waste your time and be upset because you don't want him to be upset. Nooooo.

Don't waste your precious time on the ones that are a bad fit.

All the time you are with the one who is not the one you won't be out meeting the one who is the one iyswim.

I feel a bit stuck in an uncomfortable situation where I am now biding time waiting for things to improve because he gets upset if I end it. I keep thinking surely if he wnated me to enjoy it he'd have listened to my issues (which were legitimate by the way) but it's a very slow process with him.
Read that back to yourself. You have asked him to change. He isn't changing. He can't give you what you need from a partner. That's OK. It would be OK even if your issues weren't "legitimate". Next please.

niceupthedance Tue 03-Nov-15 05:43:18

You need to date more people. That gets rid of the 'he might be the one' feeling you're getting about everyone.

Oysterbabe Tue 03-Nov-15 05:50:00

You are waiting too long. I generally gave them 3 dates over about 2 weeks to decide if we're compatible. That might seem fast but I find it pretty easy to tell.

merrymouse Tue 03-Nov-15 06:15:07

He might be perfectly happy and upset that you want change because the status quo is what he wants.

I do know people who have found their long term partners through OLD, but it's also a method that suits people who want a long term date rather than a long term partner.

Slow burners might exist, but I think it's more common to find that if somebody can't make an effort at the beginning of a relationship, they certainly aren't going to up their game once it is comfortable and steady.

merrymouse Tue 03-Nov-15 06:17:03

You certainly don't sound enthusiastic about spending the next 40 years with him.

DoreenLethal Tue 03-Nov-15 07:13:31

Too slow to dump, and even with an intimate connection, he needs to push the right buttons outside the bedroom for it to progress otherwise it is just sex.

But if thats what you want, crack on.

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