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Partner says he will abandon his daughter if we separate

(85 Posts)
gingerfinn Mon 02-Nov-15 21:09:13

My partner of ten years and I often talk about separating. Our DD just turned two. The main reason I haven't left him is because he says that if we separate, he will move overseas to pursue his career and not see his daughter again.

My father was largely absent. I don't want my DD to go through the same grief and low self esteem. It would break my heart to deny her a relationship with her father. I realise it's his choice whether or not he has a relationship with his child, but he's managed to put the weight of that decision onto my shoulders. DD adores him.

We have very little in common, no shared interests, and he hasn't put any effort into our relationship for a very, very long time. When he's not overseas working, all we do together is look after our DD, go out to lunch, and sit on the sofa in the evenings. His career is everything to him, he has no interests outside of his work.

He is also quite controlling and lately we are constantly arguing because he thinks our DD is spoilt because she has the odd tantrum. She's a toddler! I wonder how he will cope with her naturally assertive personality as she gets older and refuses to tow his line.

When we argue he says we are only together for her and we're living separate lives. It's always him that raises the idea of separating but he thinks it's up to me to decide. Also, we've decided to move to a different city next year to be closer to family, but he refuses to put any of his savings into buying our new family home. He can't explain why but denies it has anything to do with a lack of commitment to our family.

I'm posting this hoping to find out if anyone has been in a similar situation, or if someone can offer a fresh perspective. I keep going over things in my head and getting nowhere. I feel trapped.

MommysNotTalkingToday Mon 02-Nov-15 21:16:09

You wouldn't be the one denying her a relationship with him. If he's willing to cut contact with her like that just to spite you then he is not much of a father anyway. He sounds awful and I think you'd both be better off without him.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Nov-15 21:16:56

Let him go

She doesn't need a father like that

MommysNotTalkingToday Mon 02-Nov-15 21:17:02

Sorry you're in this situation, must be horrible for you.

AnnaMarlowe Mon 02-Nov-15 21:20:08

It might be your final decision to separate but it won't be your decision to cut your daughter off from her father - that's his responsibility, regardless of where anyone lives.

LeaLeander Mon 02-Nov-15 21:20:41

He sounds as though he has very damaging attitudes and behaviours. I would think she would be well rid of him.

Growing up without a father figure is not ideal but it's not necessarily a disaster either. Many women are successful single parents of happy and well-adjusted children. Doesn't sound like she'd end up happy and well-adjusted if he sticks around, does it?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 21:21:14

Your partner is an ass, and a poor father.

Neither of these things are your fault. Don't let them hold you to ransom.

He is clearly manipulating what he knows is a sensitive issue due to your own childhood. You really could leave him for that reason alone - stooping so low.

Cookingongas Mon 02-Nov-15 21:22:23

You will end up separating. He's put the writing on the wall. Your decision is but whether to deny her a father, ( that's down to him anyway) but rather whether it would be more or less damaging earlier it later. I'm sorry he's put you in this position.

Cookingongas Mon 02-Nov-15 21:22:57

Not whether.

TheTigerIsOut Mon 02-Nov-15 21:24:11

I think you need to let him go. it is Damaging for your child to grow up with such a cold distant relationship as an example of what relationship should be. She is young now, but do you think she will appreciate that her parents stayed put disapointed in a relationship to make her happy? I bet she won't because she wouldn't be happy if her parents are having arguments all the time.

The fact that he can openly say that he will move away and stop seeing your DD makes me think that he already doesn't care much about her but just need you to be the executor of the marriage. He is too coward to take resposibility for it.

YellowTulips Mon 02-Nov-15 21:25:34

His shitty attitude to his parental responsibilities are his problem not yours and certainly not grounds to be blackmailed into staying in a relationship. This is true if he means it or is bluffing.

TBH if he's that fucking feckless I'd cut the ties now whilst your DD is young and won't remember the bugger and forge ahead with a new life and the opportunity to meet a far better partner and role model for your child.

This isn't a red flag - it's a bright read neon sign the size of a double decker saying "LTB".

Shakey15000 Mon 02-Nov-15 21:25:43

What a dire excuse for a father/partner. It's up to him if he cuts all ties. And why is it all up to you? So you can be perceived as the bad guy I guess. Well I'd bloody well call his bluff. Separate. Tell him you'll leave it up to him and his conscious regarding your daughter.

trapdooragain Mon 02-Nov-15 21:28:53

call his bluff if he does it he would have made a shit father anyway

OddlyLogical Mon 02-Nov-15 21:30:35

Nice bit of blame displacement from him there!
What a shit. If he would walk away so easily, then he will be no father worth having.
You would be so much better off without him.
His behaviour is entirely 100% HIS decision, HIS responsibility.

tallwivglasses Mon 02-Nov-15 21:30:44

It's either an empty threat, which means he will stay in touch with dd, or a real one, in which case he'll be no great loss. Call his bluff - and if he tries to pull a guilt trip, smile and remind him he's welcome to continue his relationship with dd. Plenty of long - distance dads do.

megletthesecond Mon 02-Nov-15 21:31:03

Don't let him hold you to ransom. If he goes, it's his choice.

BrandNewAndImproved Mon 02-Nov-15 21:32:02

Tell him to fuck off then.

I wouldn't even want my dd to have a relationship with man who would threaten that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 02-Nov-15 21:38:51

She's best off without him.

molyholy Mon 02-Nov-15 21:43:47

What a horrid arsehole he is. Why would you want a role model like that for your daughter? Let him piss off to another country. You don't want your dd growing up and thinking this is a normal healthy relationship. If he can decide to leave her at the drop of a hat laying all the blame and decisions on your shoulders, he doesn't deserve her adoration.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 02-Nov-15 21:45:26

he refuses to put any of his savings into buying our new family home
The new family home will be in your sole name then?

He can't explain why but denies it has anything to do with a lack of commitment to our family.
He has already told you very very clearly that he is not committed to you or your daughter. What on earth would make you think that he is actually committed to you after everything he has said? Which bit do you think he is lying about.

An absent father doesn't lead to low self-esteem. It really doesn't. I know plenty of people who had absent fathers (runaways, deadbeats or sadly dead) whose self-esteem is just fine. In my experience the ones with terrible self-esteem are the ones who grew up in the toxic households with the deadbeat dad living right there with them.

LindyHemming Mon 02-Nov-15 21:46:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muckogy Mon 02-Nov-15 21:48:54

let him go.
see him out the door in fact.
he's a poison in your house and you're better off without him.

Helmetbymidnight Mon 02-Nov-15 21:51:24

A dad who threatens to abandon his daughter?

What a twat. Why do you want this crap man in her life?
I'd be delighted to tell him to fuck off.

corlan Mon 02-Nov-15 21:51:48

Can you spend another 14 years of your life living as you are?
I can tell you from experience that your daughter will not thank you for it.

rumbleinthrjungle Mon 02-Nov-15 21:53:35

Emotional blackmail. Stage two if that line doesn't work on you is likely to be the well known favourite of 'I'll take you to court and take her away from you', which will be just as empty a threat.

You can't deprive her of a father, only he can do that.

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