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I can't stop crying

(9 Posts)
LucyBabs Mon 02-Nov-15 16:03:26

I had a thread on here a few weeks ago. My dp ended our 10 year relationship, I knew something was up as he had been distant for awhile.
Background
I was sexually abused as a child, I've never been great with intimacy. Me and dp did have sex but not often and dp felt it was always one sided. I could never touch him sexually, although I tried, my issues got the better of me. I tried a few times to see a therapist but could never find the right one.
I realise there are a lot of excuses already blush

We had a good relationship outside of this and I recently found a great therapist and feel I'm making progress.

Dp has said although he loves me and wants us to be a family (we have two dc)
He can't go on with the relationship anymore. He hasn't said it but the feeling I get is he's not attracted to me anymore and those feelings have been eroded from the lack of intimacy.

I just can't accept we are over. Our future is gone and I can't cope.

I had a panic attack this morning and just keep crying.

How am I going to get through this. We spoke yesterday about the future, I told him I'm afraid he has met someone else he says he hasn't but that he will eventually because he wants the closeness a relationship brings. I honestly felt at that moment that i would have a breakdown.

How can this be happening. I thought we could do this. I'm having therapy now. Probably too little too late though sad

He is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him. He wants to continue doing family things together and to continue being friends. I have agreed but we can't can we?
What's going to happen to me when he mets someone new.

I don't want him to stay to make me happy. I genuinely want him to be happy. He is a great father, partner and friend and deserves good things.

Please help me I'm really struggling

Vix270781 Mon 02-Nov-15 16:10:43

Oh OP, I didn't want to read and run. flowers for you, you sound so down. I can't offer any proper advice but whatever happens, please remember that it will get better. These things knock us off our feet in the beginning and it seems the absolute worst, but it will get better, I promise you that.

donajimena Mon 02-Nov-15 16:13:46

Oh bless you. Taking aside the issues of your abuse and the therapy. Its often recommended that you don't attempt to be friends immediately following a split.
So no you can't remain friends and do things as a family. Having time apart whilst he is with the children will give you the opportunity to grieve and grow.
Even though you won't feel like doing much 'growing" at the moment.
As for him meeting someone else.. well thats always a kick in the teeth and rocks you to your very core when you are starting to feel 'normal' again but from my own experience in some ways it was a bit of a relief albeit a very painful one as this was the extremely low point of a sad break up and the only way was up from there on in.

Seeyounearertime Mon 02-Nov-15 16:16:37

I've heard people compare break ups to grieving a death. In some ways I agree with that. It will take time and eventually acceptance will come. Maybe you shouldn't still be doing family things for now? Maybe live apart for a while until the acceptance starts?
After that you can start thinking of the future, make plans, get on with counselling etc. When the future looks a bit brighter you'll feel a bit better.

Basically, take time, let yourself grieve the relationship, but look to the future of you and the dcs. smile

donajimena Mon 02-Nov-15 16:16:51

It might also help to speak to your GP about the panic attacks to get help for the short term. I don't necessarily mean antidepressants. I had beta blockers to help with my panic attacks

LucyBabs Mon 02-Nov-15 16:29:13

Thank you all so much. I'm having a very low moment this afternoon.

We haven't lived together as a family for two years. We split up as we were struggling after I had PND. It was an awful time in our relationship but we stayed together and seemed to get stronger living apart.

We talked not long ago about buying a house together in a few years time sad

That's all gone now and I'm scared looking in to the future without him.

This does feel like grief, my parents died 3 years ago and the gut wrenching pain i had then feels very similar.

I am going to my gp tomorrow morning, I need something to calm me down. My dc are only 7 and 4 they need me strong and capable of taking care of them.

donajimena Mon 02-Nov-15 20:08:09

Its incredibly scary when the future you had planned out is taken away from you.
But you absolutely WILL get through it and emerge a better person. I don't mean that you are any lesser of a person now but you will surprise yourself with things you discover about yourself when you find your way as a single (I took up surfing. I would never have done this or even thought about it prior to my split)
I'm sure you can't see beyond the end of the week at the moment as its so raw but it does get so much better. Time is the only thing unfortunately.
For now take whatever help your GP offers.
Absolutely NO NO NO to 'family' days out. Much as you miss him this would be the equivalent of ripping off a plaster slowly. Its done now.
Eat. Even if its just soup or chocolate or a milkshake.
Take care

LucyBabs Mon 02-Nov-15 20:40:03

Thanks donaj
As much as I want to I won't agree to family days. Unfortunately I know we can't be friends.
It seems such a waste of a family life but I do understand why it is this way.

I've just had a ham sandwich, I can't face food but I felt sick not eating so i forced myself and I'm going to have an early night.

It's a new day tomorrow flowers

donajimena Mon 02-Nov-15 21:16:10

It is indeed. Can you think of something you would like to do when the children are with their father? You won't enjoy it at first but a phrase you will often see on here is 'fake it til you make it' its so true!
Congratulations on the ham sandwich! X

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