We rely on advertising to keep the lights on.

Please consider adding us to your whitelist.

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure what I want anymore

(13 Posts)
Intrenozoul Mon 02-Nov-15 12:19:25

Having been with dh for 12 years we decided 2 years ago to have an open relationship as we did not feel like we were sexually compatible any more (I have little to no sex drive at all), but everything else in our relationship was pretty good and our children very happy so we didn't want to end our marriage over it. Up until last month I was quite happy with the arrangement as long as it did not interfere with our family and I didn't have to hear about what he's up to.

However I recently went on to his Ipad to quickly check a recipe and it was on his profile for a Fetish/Bdsm social network with many pictures and videos of him partaking in some really nasty looking and degrading things.
I asked him about it when he got home from work and told him that I thought the things that he was doing were degrading and pretty disgusting, and it definitely wasn't appropriate to have them sort of photos/videos on the internet and so easily to see on the Ipad. He apologised for having the profile so easy to see on the Ipad but happily admitted that he regularly goes to Bdsm/Swingers Clubs and partakes in hardcore Bdsm. He also told me that I can have no say on what he does with his sex life.
Whilst I can see his point, seeing those photos/videos of him doing that stuff has made me question everything I thought I knew about him and all the characteristics that all our friends and family love about him.
I feel like I could never be comfortable being with him knowing he does that sort of stuff and am now wondering whether I can stay in this relationship with him despite how much I would lose If we separated.
I'm so confused as to what I should do.... It would break my children's hearts if we split and I'm really not sure If I would want to live here or go back to the UK or even if I would be allowed to take the children to live in the UK. But I just don't think I can stay with my DH if he is going to continue to do those things. sad

Euphemia Mon 02-Nov-15 12:21:26

I don't think you can stay. Sex is vital in a relationship. You're incompatible.

I think it's time for you to plan to leave.

Twitterqueen Mon 02-Nov-15 12:24:55

Gosh, I don't really know what to say to this tbh.
It seems to me that you are only together for the sake of your children. This is not a good basis for a marriage and doesn't present a good role model for a loving relationship that you would hope for your children.

The trouble is, you can't 'unknow' something. And when you do know it, it does change thoughts and feelings irrevocably.

I guess my advice would be to just think about this for a week or so. But I don't like the bit about how "you can have no say what he does with his sex life."

I don't think this is a marriage I'm afraid.

category12 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:25:11

Hmm. But when you didn't know, you were happy with the arrangement?

How about you wait a few weeks and see how you feel? Maybe it's the initial shock of his kinks that makes you want out.

Jan45 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:25:54

I have no idea why you want to stay in a relationship that is devoid of any love or affection anyway, do the right thing and move on with your life, let him have his perverted kicks, you don't have to be party to it.

Your kids will be fine as long as you both remain amicably and practical, no reason at all why you cant still co parent, stop making excuses, do you really want to live with a man that is doing this and pretend it doesn't bother you, what is the point.

category12 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:30:44

I dunno, if the op is asexual and opened the relationship willingly, and everything else is good between them, why does his kink make it suddenly untenable?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 12:32:22

Were you truly happy with the open arrangement? Because if so, he's right that you can't dictate what he does or does not do with his sex life. You can dictate that the stuff not be easy to find by your kids on the home computers, though. Absolutely.

If it's the very fact that he's into BDSM that disturbs you, you know that you leaving the house won't change that? He'll still go to those clubs, and he will still see your kids, etc. Will you no longer living in the same house with him make you feel better about it?

And no, you can't remove the children from the country he lives in when you separate, without his agreement.

Jan45 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:36:30

The OP has already said she wont feel comfortable, what happens when he or she meets a new partner, I just think they are delaying the inevitable, time to split and live separately I'd say.

RivieraKid Mon 02-Nov-15 20:42:18

seeing those photos/videos of him doing that stuff has made me question everything I thought I knew about him and all the characteristics that all our friends and family love about him.

Um....As a member of the BDSM community, partaking in consensual bondage doesn't make you a monster/sociopath/damaged person. We have very hard and fast rules about what's okay and what isn't and it's ALL about consent, which is why so many of us were raging when 50 Shades of Abusive Wank Fodder came out. That's not to say there aren't practitioners out there who aren't using it as a cover for abuse, you get total arseholes in every community, sadly. The community does police these to the best of their ability.

That being said, it sounds as though you were sexually incompatible anyway, agree that it's time for you to cut your losses and move on, and find someone who suits you in the bedroom.

If it's the very fact that he's into BDSM that disturbs you, you know that you leaving the house won't change that? He'll still go to those clubs, and he will still see your kids, etc. Will you no longer living in the same house with him make you feel better about it?

This really sounds like the crux of the matter, yes.

RivieraKid Mon 02-Nov-15 20:52:33

And you know, as much as it annoys most of us BDSM-ers being lumped into the 'perverted' category, the fact is you don't have to put up with something you personally find abhorrent just because you agreed to an open relationship. The fact is you didn't know what he was up to, and it sounds as though you'd have shown him the door sooner if you had known. That's your right as an individual and although he's correct that you can't really 'dictate' his sex life if those are terms you agreed to, that doesn't mean you have to condone it or personally put up with it. Best of luck.

Wando Tue 03-Nov-15 10:20:28

Ultimately it's a very personal decision for you. I would take some time to stand back and think about how happy you are with an open relationship as if it is truly open he has the freedom to do what he pleases.

Cabrinha Tue 03-Nov-15 10:30:58

I'm interested that you have little or no sex drive.
Did you ever?
Did your sex life diminish because your husband wanted one type of sex that didn't do it for you? I know that's a big leap of imagination, but I'm wondering know whether he pushed light BDSM and it didn't do it for you and your interest in sex diminished, etc...

If you are not interested in more casual sex, an open marriage may not meet YOUR sexual needs.

I can't fell but wonder whether if you met someone you liked, you'd find yourself at it like a rabbit again!

I think there's more to think about here than your attitude to BDSM. Sounds like he's got everything he wants from your marriage (are you a trailing expat wife, too?) and you - not so much.

moopymoodle Tue 03-Nov-15 10:34:32

I don't think his sexual interests are perverse or odd at all. If it's consensual and they enjoy it then each to their own, it doesn't change who he is as a person. I enjoy a bit of light hair pulling etc, doesn't mean I want to go out and get abused by everybody does it. Just because somebody enjoys it in the bedroom doesn't mean they are a psychopath. The only issue that I see in your post is it been accessible on the ipad and available on the Internet. He could do with been more discreet imo.

That been said I agree with what the others have said, maybe it's time to find new partners or been on your own. You can still parent as a team, you don't need to stay together for the children.

Each to their own, if your both genuinely happy with the way things are and neither of you is using the arrangement to try make the best of a bad situation then fine.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now