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I'm pregnant by abusive ex.

(152 Posts)
Itsacoldnightday Mon 02-Nov-15 11:29:48

Hey everyone,

I've just joined on Mumsnet.

I was in an intense relationship with DD's dad for 7 years, he was very abusive and wasn't really there for DD. She has special needs.

An incident happend which made me leave DD's dad for good. It has now been two months and I'm now staying with a family friend.

But recently l have been feeling sick. I have now just found out that I'm pregnant sad.

I was on the pill and took it correctly, I can't understand how this can happen.

But I don't know what to do sad I feel numb. I've always been the person that couldn't go through with an abortion. But I'm so lost. I don't want to have this baby for selfish reasons ( e.g. DD will have a new brother or sister, we can be just the three of us and do want to have this baby). But apart of me knows what will happen if I go through the pregnancy (eg. Social services being involved again, I wil get depressed, Not giving much attention to DD's special needs).

I know I would feel guilty if I go through an abortion, what happens if I can't ever have kids. I'm now looking at other couples with young kids and I'm envious of them.

My head is all over the place, I'm
Not even making sense.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 11:42:53

Your emotions are all totally normal. And you are not selfish, btw: you are going through a tough time and faced with difficult news and a decision to take. None of the reasons you list either for or against keeping this pregnancy are selfish; on the contrary you sound like a thoughtful person placed in a difficult position.

The most important thing right now I think is for you to find some peace and calm. Reduce your stress so that you can take a breather, and then think more clearly. What kind of RL support do you have? Do you have a good friend nearby, support from professionals,...?

Itsacoldnightday Mon 02-Nov-15 11:45:06

Thanks for replying.

My family are supportive. But I know this would devistate them.

Sevendayweek Mon 02-Nov-15 11:50:18

I agree, you aren't being selfish. However don't confuse looking after yourself with selfishness. As a parent you must look after yourself and take care of your health.

In your position I think I woyld arrange for professional counselling, probablymore than one session, with domeone who could really help me think it through. I find being confused really painful, a counsellors job istohelp you understand your own feelings and situation to help you decide what you want to do. Good luck flowers

Sevendayweek Mon 02-Nov-15 11:51:02

Sorry about my terrible typing.

Itsacoldnightday Mon 02-Nov-15 11:51:20

But what would you all do of you were in my exact same position?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 11:53:20

OK. Anyone who is gong to be "devastated" is not a useful person for you to turn to right now. It's your feelings that are important at the moment; it's not for you to bear the burden of someone else's.

I'd like you to do something for yourself today that is relaxing. Whether that's a walk outdoors, playing with DD, taking a soaky bath, sofa time with a favorite book... anything that can lower your stress levels, take your mind off your thoughts and into the present moment, for a little while.

What could that be for you, do you think?

After that, is there a good friend you could phone, to pour your heart out? Someone unflappable who will listen and be supportive, without trying to direct you?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 11:55:12

Sweetheart, only you can take the right decision for you. What any one of us would choose to do in your position is a completely personal thing.

Your choice is your own, and whatever it is, it will be fine because it will be the best one for you.

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Nov-15 11:56:09

itscold Sorry you have having such a rough time. You asked what would anyone else do, for me it would be and simple choice and I would have an abortion but that is me.

Hatethis22 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:03:41

No one else can tell you what's best for you. RiceCrispieTreats is giving you good advice.

Itsacoldnightday Mon 02-Nov-15 12:04:45

I feel so lost. sad

What happens if I go through the abortion and I won't be able to have another child again.

What happens if I have one and I get punished in my life some day.

I'm just so lost.

Itsacoldnightday Mon 02-Nov-15 12:07:33

Can someone please tell me, regarding social services, what will
Happen if I have another baby with someone they know of, who is abusive.

Just trying to think about the future.

Sevendayweek Mon 02-Nov-15 12:08:33

Op, we can't know enough about you and your position for it to be relevant what we would do - and we are different people anyway. Except, as I said, I would seek someone calm and professional to help me work out what seemed best for me. That would be my first move (after taking a lot of deep breaths to try to calm myself, probably). And yes I would talk to a friend too, if I trusted that they could truly listen with my best interests at heart, and wouldn't try to tell me what to do.

You need to own your decision, whatever it is, and I do know that is hard. But you owe it to yourself. And remember that you can only do the best you can right now. There are no absolute cast iron right and wrongs here. Just what feels right, given what is practically possible, seems best all round, and given what you can know right now. All of life is like that. I'm not being unsympathetic, you are in a tough situation with no 'perfect' answers. You have to go forward thinking ' I wil do the best I can, and in future I will remind myself, I did the best I could '.

category12 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:10:26

Choosing not to continue this pregnancy won't affect your chances of trying again in future. Who knows what lies ahead for you?

It's a tough decision but there's no reason to feel guilty if you choose an abortion, if it's the right thing for you. There's a lot of social pressure and assumptions that women are bound to feel awful if they abort, but it's not the case, it can be the right decision and women can be relieved and secure about it.

Sometimes it's not the right time.

Sevendayweek Mon 02-Nov-15 12:11:53

Afraid I can't answer about SS etc as no knowledge. A pregnancy advisory clinic will tell you some statistics about termination I expect .

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Nov-15 12:12:06

itscold Honey why would you think that having a abortion would ruin your chances of having another baby. Can you speak to your GP?

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 02-Nov-15 12:13:40

There is no punishment, love.

You need to stop thinking so far ahead, and bring yourself back to right now. You can't make any kind of decisions when your mind is whirring all over the place.

Stop, breathe. Look around you.

(If you need to ground yourself, you can ask yourself: What are 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell? It's a good instant way to get out of your own head for a while.)

PrimalLass Mon 02-Nov-15 12:15:06

Because you have asked what we would do, I can honestly say I would have a termination in those circumstances (there is another poor MN-er in the same situation at the moment so you should maybe look for her thread as there was a lot of good advice).

Alfieisnoisy Mon 02-Nov-15 12:15:39

I am not a social worker but the issues that involved then before is likely to be due to the domestic violence.

You've now removed yourself and your child from that situation and as such they will probably just want to know you are going to stay away from him.

Hatethis22 Mon 02-Nov-15 12:17:24

You're not going to get 'punished.' If you feel deeply that abortion is wrong then you will find it very difficult to deal with. I think any choice you make will be hard but you need to work out which one you can best live with. If you have another child with this man he will have the right to see that child. Social services will probably be satisfied once they are sure you are not in a relationship.

passmethewineplease Mon 02-Nov-15 12:24:05

OP please get the idea of you being punished out of your head. Life doesn't work like that.

There is nothing in your opening post to suggest that you couldn't have a baby in the future.

You need to do what is right for you and your DD.

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Nov-15 12:26:09

hate raises a valid point an that your ex would have the right to see his child if he wants. Fair or unfair it is a fact.

AnotherEmma Mon 02-Nov-15 12:37:26

Hello and welcome to mumsnet.

I'm not a legal expert so you'd need to check this, but I think that if you and your partner are not married, you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. This means that he wouldn't have parental rights ie he wouldn't have a right to see the baby as a PP said.

I think that the advice to get counselling is spot on. This is your decision and you would benefit from support from an impartial professional. You could ask your GP or look up BPAS. If you find another family planning clinic or service, please make sure they are impartial (some of them have a hidden anti-abortion agenda).

I think you have been very strong already in ending the relationship. So I completely trust you to make the right decision for you and your daughter, whatever that is. Please try not to feel guilty or selfish, you have the right to do what you want with your body and your life.


Shutthatdoor Mon 02-Nov-15 12:40:06

you don't have to put his name on the birth certificate. This means that he wouldn't have parental rights ie he wouldn't have a right to see the baby as a PP said.

He would however be able to go to court and get it.

flowers for you OP

AnotherEmma Mon 02-Nov-15 12:45:28

Shutthatdoor yes good point. Maybe the OP should get some legal advice (eg via CAB, Women's Aid or a solicitor they recommend) to get a clearer idea of the legal situation if she decides to keep the baby.

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