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Single parents/ ex single parents

(13 Posts)
Utterlyclueless Mon 02-Nov-15 08:22:22

Sorry if this has been done numerous times

I'm a 25 year old single mum to a fabulous 8 week old boy and I obviously don't want to think about getting in relationships yet but I was wondering is it as bad as people say it is to try and find someone when you have a child?

I have a feeling I'm going to be alone forever now (not including my son) and I obviously don't want that but lots of people say it's impossible to find someone who will want you when you have a child.

Is it as bad as people say?
Have you had success? Was it hard?

I don't even know if I trust men after my ex but still I'm curious.

Llareggub Mon 02-Nov-15 08:39:36

I've been a single mother since I separated from my exh three years ago. The hardest thing is finding time for dating around the schedules of my two sons. I wouldn't change anything though, frankly I'm happier now than I've ever been.

When mine were really small I found weekends hard but I met up with another mum in my situation and we would arrange outings together with the children.

I've had a few relationships since my divorce but they haven't worked out. No particular reason, they just weren't right for me.

You are still very young; I'm 40 and didn't even meet my husband until I was 28. Don't settle for Mr OK, strive for Mr Right and be happy with yourself first.

Mermaidhair Mon 02-Nov-15 09:10:51

Don't listen to them. If someone really loves you then they will love and accept your child. I met my soul mate when I had two small children. He adored my children as his own. They came from me so it was never an issue for him. He told me later that he fell in love with me when he saw what a wonderful mother I was. We had an amazing 10 years together and two more children before he went to heaven. At the moment you have a baby to look after, concentrate on him and think about the rest later.

Mermaidhair Mon 02-Nov-15 09:13:26

I have also been asked on lots of dates and that is with 2 children and 2 adult ones. There is hope for you!

timelytess Mon 02-Nov-15 09:43:51

Ask instead 'Is it fair to my child to insist he has a strange man in his life/home'? People don't seem to give two hoots about their children once they meet a man.
I have no doubt you'll find someone.

Utterlyclueless Mon 02-Nov-15 10:11:14

I haven't insisted he has a strange man in his life, my child is my priority.

I doubt most women Insist they have a strange man in their child's life either, I'm sure they slowly introduce them and if the child doesn't like the man I don't think they would insist on being with him.

Mermaid I'm sorry for your loss flowers

thingho Mon 02-Nov-15 11:15:54

I raised my DD as a single mum from birth. She's 17 now and I've been married for 4 years to a lovely man who accepts her completely, doesn't separate finances in any way, and views us as a family. I was very cautious and didn't rush into finding a relationship, I enjoyed raising DD as a single mum for the first 8 years of her life and I wasn't afraid of being lonely or just doing things by myself, I didn't feel like we needed a male figure to make us complete as a family (exP has never been involved with her).

I did go dating when she was younger but that was just for me, not introducing any of them to DD or having them over at our home. It's fine to enjoy relationships for fun and not to think of them as something that has to lead to a stepfamily situation. I never had any problems finding dates and my parents were great with helping with childcare. I was very fussy though and chose not to settle with anyone until I felt they were completely right for me and DD, and even then DH and I were a couple for five years before we got married.

MrsRobbStark Mon 02-Nov-15 11:50:13

Please don't think that OP.

I'm - 25 (26 this week) year old married mum of 2 gorgeous boys although I am formerly a single mum.

I had my ds1 when I was 17. All in I was with his father for nearly 6 years (all terrible in hindsight) until he assaulted me and I ended the relationship.

Just over a year later I met my DH on a night out and haven't looked back since. The fact I was a 22 year old single mother didn't faze him and he was only 23 himself so not exactly looking for a ready made family!

When you meet the right person they won't care about the circumstances, they will want to be with you for YOU and take on board whatever else comes with that.

We got married in July and ds1 (now 8) was best man. He said in his speech that I told my husband at the beginning of our relationship that my son and I come as a package and if he didn't like that then he wasn't right for us (which is 100% true).

You'll find the right man OP, I don't know where and I don't know when but you will. Until then focus on you and your baby and make some beautiful memories.

Holowiwi Mon 02-Nov-15 11:53:56

Early 20s I have been told it's tough a lot of men around that age won't really want to date a woman with a child. Early 30s and onwards it doesn't seem to be a major issue sure there will be men not interested (and they have every right not to be ) but there will be plenty that will be. Going from the experiences I have seen on MN the after 30 thing seems to be true.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Mon 02-Nov-15 13:57:49

Good point Holowiwi, I was going to say that most people come with some 'baggage' but I guess in your 20s that's not necessarily the case! Given how young your son is thought Clueless, I imagine that you'll be fairly tied up with him for a while yet and won't be ready to date for quite some time. Enjoy your time with him while he's little, it goes so fast!

When you do feel ready to date, you'll easily be able to meet men with and without children, but probably find that men who already have their own DCs too will be most receptive to a woman with DCs. That also brings its own issues though, with blended families, different priorities and parenting styles etc.

Basically, every relationship is different, with or without DCs and if you meet the right person you'll find a way to work round any problems you encounter. As long as you both love and respect each other (and each others' DCs!) then you can make things work. It may not be the traditional nuclear family set-up, but it could be even better!

My DP and I don't live together due to having DCs at different schools and not wanting to move, but it means we get plenty of time together when the DCs are visiting other parents and also some time to ourselves with our own DCs. In the beginning I thought it was sad that we wouldn't be like 'normal' couples, but actually it means we've taken it steady, we're not in each others' pockets and still have independence but also the support of a loving partner. Win win.

Sighing Mon 02-Nov-15 19:31:21

Adding to the realistic points of view (hmm). I enjoyed being a single parent once I found the 'pace'. Over time I did date (yes, for my own enjoyment / relaxation / human connection - certainly nothing wrong with remaining a rounded adult AND a parent). I met people that were unsuitable for me, or my family. I didn't introduce my children to these people. After a while I met someone very special, my friends encouraged me, my wider family too. It was clear he was keen to be accepted into my family (and with his own step parents more experienced than me in what was involved). He met my children in a group of my friends. He was singled out by them (kids notice stuff) as being important to me (they were positive). This gradually and organically developed.
I was lucky in everyway. My now DH can understand the complications in a way I don't. We are a (very extended/ blended) family and about to have a baby. An area where I get to be the 'expert' and help him walk the walk there.

throwingpebbles Mon 02-Nov-15 19:39:34

I wasn't in a hurry to meet a new man after leaving abusive exH, but out of curiosity ventured into internet dating.
Met a lovely man (now DP) who has brought so much joy and kindness to mine and my children's lives. We took things at the pace of my children (and his children) although we knew we were serious abou each other from the start. But the children love being with each other and love being with both of us. Just tonight he has been doing reading practice with my boy while I did a nappy change then played with my daughter while I had a chat to my boy (for example). They give him spontaneous cuddles and miss him if he is working late and certainly do not see him as a stranger. My boy (5) asked the other day if me and DP and all the children were a family and I asked if he would like that and he said yes so I replied "in that case we are" and he had a huge grin on his face
There are lovely men out there who will realise you come as a package and that the children will always have to be your priority

moopymoodle Mon 02-Nov-15 19:50:30

I agree the right person doesn't care. I met my husband as a single mother of 2 children. He wasn't phased at all, I was 26 at the time and three years later we are married and a family unit smile

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