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Past experiences effecting new relationships ( possible trigger ) AIBU?

(8 Posts)
Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:40:51

When I was in my teens I got into a relationship with a older man, he liked to drink, when he did drink he began to get abusive, he raped me and emotionally abused me, eventually he physically abused me, I was young, stupid and scared, when he wasn't drinking he was a nice person but he drank more and more, nearer the end he was drunk 99% of the time. I never told anyone what he did to me until I met dh, I guess I felt stupid that I put up with it.

I got with dh and he was very understanding, he understood why I didn't want him to drink ( drunk people scare me, the smell of lager or ale on someone's breath makes me feel sick ), he rarely drank for the 12 years we were together.

Dh and I split and now I gave just started a new relationship, I really like the nan I am seeing, he treats me well, makes me smile but he likes to drink with his mates several times a week, when he drinks he sends me text messages ( often the same thing over and over ), when I see him he often smells of drink. I have told him that I don't like it due to my past ( didn't go into great detail ), yesterday we fell out over it, he says he will do anything to stop us splitting up so I said 'stop drinking', he said 'OK' but then later said 'I'm not drinking tonight or tomorrow, I probably won't drink for a few days' so he gas obviously misunderstood what 'don't drink' means.

AIBU asking him not to drink? I don't mind him having the odd drink with his mates but drinking during the day or getting drunk during the week really anoys me. I know a lot of men like to pop to the pub for a couple once a week but he doesn't do this, he sits in his mates house drinking all day or for a few hours in the evening a couple times a week.

I know it's not his fault that someone abused me, I feel really guilty but I think if he cared about me as much as he says he does then he would stop drinking?

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 01-Nov-15 21:15:09

I don't think it's fair to expect him not to drink. You can't change him, all you can do is to say that you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks.

For most people that would be a deal breaker but I'm sure there are others who aren't that fussed about alcohol (neither DP not I drink. His ex was a big drinker which has probably out him off, I'm just not that bothered on a regular basis but might have a few once or twice a year).

If he chooses not to drink fair enough, but if you try to make him stop when it's not his choice it won't work.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sun 01-Nov-15 21:15:33

*put him off

popalot Sun 01-Nov-15 21:21:10

He's drinking too much. Your alarms are ringing. Heed the warning and leg it.

Asking him to stop won't do a thing; he won't change. Someone who drinks all day round his mates' house is not relationship material.

Ime drinkers are a nightmare from wetting the bed/not paying bills/unable to work to being more abusive when confronted.

GinAndSonic Sun 01-Nov-15 21:21:15

I agree with MarkRuffalo, you can say you can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks but you can't stop them from drinking I'm afraid. Have you had counselling? I have rape and domestic abuse in my past and some things that used to be very triggering for me no longer affect me so strongly, while others get less with the building of trust within a relationship. flowers

GinAndSonic Sun 01-Nov-15 21:22:50

It's also not unreasonable to not want a relationship where alcohol is ability part of your partners life. Aside from whether or not you have had or feel you need counselling, this man doesn't sound like he's right for you.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 01-Nov-15 21:30:13

You are being unreasonable asking him not to drink.

You are totally reasonable to not want to be in a relationship with someone whose drinking you don't feel comfortable with.

Basically, you can't tell him what to do; you can't change another person or demand that they change. But you can choose what is best for you and leave a relationship that is making you unhappy, for whatever reason.

I'm sorry you had such an awful past experience. You did not deserve it.

Doughnutsandflapjacks33 Sun 01-Nov-15 22:42:24

Thank you, we have talked, I have told him that I don't expect him to change for me. He said he wants to be with me and can live without drinking, I'm not sure if he can so we shall have to see. I don't mind drinking for special occasions, I have the occasional drink though I tend to drink things that don't taste or smell of alcohol and I usually only have one. I don't mind him having a beer if we are out together as long as it's not a regular thing. The drinking at his mates house worries me, when I go to visit my mates I drink tea or coffee, never feel the need to drink alcohol during the day unless I'm on holiday.

I haven't had counselling , took me years to admit to myself that I had been raped, I never spoke to anyone about it, I felt ashamed. The man who did this too me is now dead and I thought that would bring me closure sad. Maybe I need to talk to someone, I don't want to ruin a relationship because im scared of them drinking, I know it's not normal to feel this way.

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