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I don't know if I've turned into a money grabber - MN help me!

(163 Posts)
carryingcargo Sun 01-Nov-15 15:42:32

It's long, sorry.

My DP and I earn much the same around £50K; I earn slightly more. We live in his house which he owns outright from his dad who left it to him years ago. We have 2 DCs and have both worked FT since they were born. Never married as neither of us like the 'institution' itself. Never were madly in love - I got pregnant and moved in to his house as having twins. We're friends and a good parenting team, in the main but it's been a sexless relationship for 10 years, his preference, used to upset me terribly but now I've just atrophied. He says he loves me but the whole relationship is flat, dull.

In the past, we've never really argued about money, his money is his business, mine likewise. I would say broadly that I spend mine on the DCs, the house, and holidays; his goes on the maintenance of the house and all bills. Neither of us has much left over if anything at the end of each month.

Because of no mortgage etc we've had a better quality of life than our incomes would normally deliver. I have to be honest and say that this has partly influenced me in staying in a relationship I have never found fulfilling. But also, I've suffered (and am treated for) depression for years and I was terrified of being a single mother of twins, and I don't really think I'm capable of loving anyone, so 'better the devil you know' took hold and the years have gone by.

Now the DCs are about to leave home next year, it's really focussed my mind and I know I want to leave. I want to buy a house because I'm scared shitless at the idea of being an old lady in rented accommodation. My life up to meeting DP was very peripatetic - a stable home feels extremely important to me.

But I have no deposit. I need to start saving big style for one, as where I live is expensive, and I want somewhere with a second bedroom for my DCs to stay in when they visit (they are likely to both live abroad).

I discovered that he is going to be very rich in the near-ish future: he stands to inherit over a million after tax, and his house is worth at least a million (our family home).

My problem is that this has really changed how I feel about our finances. I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Am I just a self-serving money grabber? If he wasn't going to inherit this money I wouldn't be thinking like this. I'm not a money-minded person, if I have money I spend it, I give a lot to charity as I know I'm well-off, I don't spend on myself (ebay is my spiritual home), everything I have earned has gone on our DCs or holidays.

I am really anxious that I will end up staying in this relationship because I'm too cowardly to leave without having a sense of my own house to move into. Please help me get some perspective.

coffeeisnectar Sun 01-Nov-15 15:51:27

I'm a bit stunned that you both have no money left each month with no mortgage, I do think you should have been saving over the years.

However, I think you should speak to him and see if he could be reasonable and help you out or if things are going to get acrimonious then see a solicitor. As you aren't married I have no idea how this works but with it being a long term relationship I would think you would have a very good case for pursuing a claim against his house/inheritance.

JeffsanArsehole Sun 01-Nov-15 15:53:24

You have both put equally in to the relationship for the last 18 years so I think all money in the family should be divided in two.

You need to wait til all that money has come in to the family and then get a solicitor to proceed.

You are not married so it will be harder if he doesn't agree.

I think it's all family money as you have lived and contributed together as one family. I'm not sure a court or your partner would agree with that as I'm only talking about what I morally believe.

ILiveAtTheBeach Sun 01-Nov-15 15:56:21

I'm baffled that you have no mortgage, plus £100k income, and yet there's nothing left at the end of the month confused Anyway, that's by the by. You really should have got married at the start and then you would have been able to walk away with half of everything. I think your best hope, is that he wants out of the relationship too, and on that basis will give you enough money to start over. I'd start to making an appointment with a Solicitor and seeing what you are actually entitled to.

2snugglets Sun 01-Nov-15 15:57:10

You need to let him know that your planning to go your own way after the DCs leave home before you talk money. Explain to him you need to save for a deposit so you won't be paying out xyz on the children for luxuries anymore.
Maybe consider moving somewhere cheaper and as this would mean moving the children away, he may be inclined to offer some financial support. It would be worth having a discussion with a solicitor though, but to be honest, I don't see how you are entitled to anything other than his goodwill.

Shutthatdoor Sun 01-Nov-15 16:04:14

I now feel he should pay for everything to do with the DCs and the/his house, so that I can save and save and save over the next 12 months to build up a deposit. I'm also finding myself thinking, I could use my DC's savings as a deposit, as he will have more than enough to replace that money with. And a big bit of me wants to ask him to give me some money towards a new home for me.

Are you going to walk away and not claim any or little of the current house? If so fair enough to do ^ if not then it most certainly isn't.

I certainly don't think you should be using the DCs money!

BojackHorseman Sun 01-Nov-15 16:06:08

If you use the DC's money then you replace it!

NerrSnerr Sun 01-Nov-15 16:06:59

You need to be honest with him I think. It should be really easy for you to save. We take home about £55k a year, have a mortgage and still manage to save a little bit.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Nov-15 16:08:24

You're not entitled to his house or his inheritance. You've left yourself in a vulnerable situation when you could have bought a buy-to-let for yourself. Is he a generous man? I doubt he's going to mind that you want to leave, is he? It sounds as though it's a dull relationship for both of you. How easy will it be to talk about this to him?

NerrSnerr Sun 01-Nov-15 16:08:25

I also don't see why he should replace the children's money if you use it? Surely you would replace it (or not use their money at all- if they're leaving home next year wouldn't they need it?

caroldecker Sun 01-Nov-15 16:15:59

Why should he give you anything - he has inherited both the £1m house and £1m cash, you have added nothing to that.
You have both chosen to spend your money on enjoying yourselves and now you want out, so you go out with what you came in with - nought.

JeffsanArsehole Sun 01-Nov-15 16:20:01

I think you have gained a beneficial interest in the house (at least) by contributing to it over the last 18 years. Just because you haven't paid a mortgage (neither has he) doesn't mean you haven't run a house and paid bills together. If you have upgraded it in any way (or he has as you were then paying for food or kids so he could pay for upgrades) then you may be entitled to at least half the uplift in value over the time you have lived there.

annandale Sun 01-Nov-15 16:23:22

You could borrow £175000 and it won't take you long on your current salary to save a deposit. Talk honestly to each other but don't start with the idea that he should do xyz. Could he buy you out of the house, forming a deposit for you? If you didn't want to be married, thank your lucky stars you can walk away and be free tomorrow. By all means get legal advice but don't spend the next decade wrangling when you can just get going and stand on your own two feet.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 01-Nov-15 16:24:40

The problem with no believing in the instituatiin of marriage is that it leaves you just like this...with no entitlement to anything

Devilishpyjamas Sun 01-Nov-15 16:26:03

I think you need to talk to a decent solicitor & then your partner.

Bubblesinthesummer Sun 01-Nov-15 16:28:26

Why on earth do you think it would be OK for you to use your DCs money and then expect your DH to replace it!

carryingcargo Sun 01-Nov-15 16:33:13

I have no interest in his house, it's absolutely his. I understand that by not marrying, I'm where I am - if there was a civil partnership for heterosexuals we'd have done that, but hey ho.

The problem with borrowing £175,000 round here is that would buy me sweet fuck all.

Similar timing to my post was a woman wanting to leave her H or P, who really had nothing financially to help her along with, and when I read that I felt quite embarrassed to have posted to be honest.

Pixi2 Sun 01-Nov-15 16:45:21

I think you've gone into self protection mode.
You need to start and learn to budget. For now and later in life. You need a deposit which should be easily saved given your income, and to get into the habit of saving and investing for your future.

fastdaytears Sun 01-Nov-15 16:46:01

Don't feel embarrassed. It's not like the only people allowed to ask for help on MN are he people in the worst imaginable situation.

It doesn't sound to me like you've made any of the sort of contributions which would get you a share in the property but definitely, definitely see a family lawyer. The inheritance isn't relevant unfortunately unless he's the type to succumb to a moral argument.

You're not in an easy position but not an impossible one either.

carryingcargo Sun 01-Nov-15 17:00:27

We do have something that we didn't have when we got together, and that's the DCs. I guess it's because over the 18 years, I've spent 80% of my money on them, while he's either saved (yes he has some but won't tell me how much) or paid the bills.

I saved the money for the DCs, every month since birth I've put money in, he's saved nothing for them. That's why I guess I feel I could take it and he could replace it. It was 'my' money, if that makes sense. If they need to pay tuition fees, then he can pay for them - he has the money to do that, I don't. It's that kind of logic (!?) that I'm using here.

Before I knew about his inheritance, I used to think 'we both need to provide for them in this next stage of life', and now I think, 'he can provide for them in this next stage of their life'. Is that fair? Do you think the DCs would understand? They know we are not happy together, one would blame me for leaving, the other would understand.

God knows who'd get the dogs though.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 01-Nov-15 17:01:14

175000 wouldn't get you a place enough for 1 person?

BojackHorseman Sun 01-Nov-15 17:02:39

OP you need to replace the money if you take it, don't try to justify it by saying it's 'your money'.

LetGoOrBeDragged Sun 01-Nov-15 17:05:53

I think that you have benefitted from living in a house for 18 years mortgage and rent free. That left you with lots of money to spend which you would ordinarily not have had It's no one else's fault that you didn't save any of it.

That said, if your money has improved the value of your dp's house, then it's only fair you get that back.

I agree with previous posters in that if you don't get married, you cannot expect him to have a husband's obligations if you split up. If he's nice, he might give you some financial help on the grounds that he has gained from the luxuries you paid for over the years or that for you to have a nice home benefits your shared dc. But honestly, I think your best bet is to spend less and save more, starting now.

Don't spend your dc's money - it's theirs, not yours!

NerrSnerr Sun 01-Nov-15 17:05:58

I don't think it's fair to take the money you have saved for your children. On £50k a year you could have paid everything for them, saved for them and saved for your own security and you chose not to. I am assuming that you've had a very good quality of life in that time (I can only assume it's gone on holidays and luxuries). If you look at your finances I bet it will be easier than you think to save for a deposit once you realise exactly what you're spending your money on and what can be cut back on.

LetGoOrBeDragged Sun 01-Nov-15 17:08:21

X posted with you. I guess if you saved the money then it is yours. Could you not get him to add half of whatever you saved and then you could spend half, while still leaving the same amount for your dc?

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