I've posted a few threads here over the last couple of months.
I split with BF in mid Sept, absolutely devastated. Despite this it's been the 'nicest' break up I've ever had, and we've remained in contact. We met on three consecutive weekends, and talked a lot, but ultimately he didn't want to try again.
But this is the bit I'm struggling with. He said at the end that he didn't want to settle down and when we met last night he said in 10 years he still won't have kids.
I've chopped and changed my mind about that a lot- I would rather have a long term relationship without marriage and children with the right person- him. He's in his late 20's, so I can understand his reluctance, although he is the only one in his friendship group who is not married or has a child.
He said he did think of us as long term, and he was the one that drove the relationship forward whilst I was still a bit unsure, so I can't understand how its come to this. But when he wanted to see more of me, and I suggested moving in together, he said he realised that I didn't understand him and that I went from one extreme to another! I lived with an abusive ex years ago, and actually enjoy living alone, so it wasn't what I wanted so soon but I thought that he did.
We went out last night for drinks and talked, and whilst he's admitted he's not been feeling great the last few weeks, he believes he's made the right decision for him. But not for me. Neither of us were looking for this, I'd been badly hurt a few months before and he'd just moved countries. But I'm a bit confused as I thought the point of being in a relationship was to progress towards longevity together, particularly if you're both head over heels in love?!
I didn't want to move to London, but what would have been the point if he didn't want to live together anyway? I feel cheated because he is the most stable and together person I've ever met, who loved me for me, and even after I told him last night I suffer from anxiety, he said that wouldn't have changed the way he felt about me, and that he would have wanted to help.
The only thing I can gather is that he panicked about being tied down, but I just wanted to be in a long term relationship with somebody I loved, not demand them to marry me or have children! I know I'm not ready for that either.
He kissed and hugged me at the station, and told me again that it won't be the last time I see him, but as soon as I got on the train I cried. This wasn't what I wanted. I wonder what he thought our relationship was going to be.
So confused. I joked and said that I'll still be single in 10 years etc, and he said he would definitely look me up etc- a bit of banter which makes me realise he has just freaked out over hypothetical commitment.
Do other men do this? Pleas give me some perspective. Apologies if you've read my other threads too, but I finally had a good thing going here and I'm finding it too hard to go on and considering all sorts of silly things at the moment so some stories for others would be appreciated at such a despairing time.
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Relationships
Do all men do this?
Lexia123 · 01/11/2015 14:18
Disengage from him, stop trying to convince yourself that you can change yourself for him (you are willing to give the fact that you would like marriage and children) and stop letting him manipulate your feelings. Stop meeting up with him, it will do you no good.
He's told you he doesn't want to try again with you at a relationship, but has met up with you multiple times since. I did this with an ex believing that if he saw me "one more time" it would change how he felt about me and we would live happily ever after. It didn't. (I wish I'd had MN at the time.) Stop trying to make yourself happy by attempting to be what you think he wants. You deserve better.
Echoing what annandale said that if a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. If he's not with you, its because he doesn't want to be. Being scared of commitment is I think a way of saying "I don't want you, but I'm happy to keep you dangling on a back burner until I meet someone I like more" at least, that my experience of it.
I'm sorry you've had a tough time, be kind to yourself 
He's clearly very fond of you but doesn't want to commit for whatever reason. Easier said than done but you have to be strong and move on.
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