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Do all men do this?

(62 Posts)
Lexia123 Sun 01-Nov-15 14:18:19

I've posted a few threads here over the last couple of months.

I split with BF in mid Sept, absolutely devastated. Despite this it's been the 'nicest' break up I've ever had, and we've remained in contact. We met on three consecutive weekends, and talked a lot, but ultimately he didn't want to try again.

But this is the bit I'm struggling with. He said at the end that he didn't want to settle down and when we met last night he said in 10 years he still won't have kids.

I've chopped and changed my mind about that a lot- I would rather have a long term relationship without marriage and children with the right person- him. He's in his late 20's, so I can understand his reluctance, although he is the only one in his friendship group who is not married or has a child.

He said he did think of us as long term, and he was the one that drove the relationship forward whilst I was still a bit unsure, so I can't understand how its come to this. But when he wanted to see more of me, and I suggested moving in together, he said he realised that I didn't understand him and that I went from one extreme to another! I lived with an abusive ex years ago, and actually enjoy living alone, so it wasn't what I wanted so soon but I thought that he did.

We went out last night for drinks and talked, and whilst he's admitted he's not been feeling great the last few weeks, he believes he's made the right decision for him. But not for me. Neither of us were looking for this, I'd been badly hurt a few months before and he'd just moved countries. But I'm a bit confused as I thought the point of being in a relationship was to progress towards longevity together, particularly if you're both head over heels in love?!

I didn't want to move to London, but what would have been the point if he didn't want to live together anyway? I feel cheated because he is the most stable and together person I've ever met, who loved me for me, and even after I told him last night I suffer from anxiety, he said that wouldn't have changed the way he felt about me, and that he would have wanted to help.

The only thing I can gather is that he panicked about being tied down, but I just wanted to be in a long term relationship with somebody I loved, not demand them to marry me or have children! I know I'm not ready for that either.

He kissed and hugged me at the station, and told me again that it won't be the last time I see him, but as soon as I got on the train I cried. This wasn't what I wanted. I wonder what he thought our relationship was going to be.

So confused. I joked and said that I'll still be single in 10 years etc, and he said he would definitely look me up etc- a bit of banter which makes me realise he has just freaked out over hypothetical commitment.

Do other men do this? Pleas give me some perspective. Apologies if you've read my other threads too, but I finally had a good thing going here and I'm finding it too hard to go on and considering all sorts of silly things at the moment so some stories for others would be appreciated at such a despairing time.

timelytess Sun 01-Nov-15 14:20:10

He's full of rubbish. Have nothing more to do with him.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 01-Nov-15 14:23:41

How awful, you must be feeling terrible. I wouldn't meet him again, it'll make you worse.

Notimefortossers Sun 01-Nov-15 14:24:42

Have you made it clear to him that you're not necessarily looking for marriage and kids either and certainly not right now and that you're happy not to move in together?

annandale Sun 01-Nov-15 14:27:41

He's trying to make you feel better by making it sound like he really wants to be with you, it's just that he's scared. Or you're interpreting what he's saying that way.

I can't say this strongly enough. If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. If he's not with you, it's because he wants something else.

BetaVersion Sun 01-Nov-15 14:27:41

He is being a manipulative pillock. Dont waste anymore time on him.

I can say this with some certainty being of the male persuasion myself.

Handywoman Sun 01-Nov-15 14:32:31

Sounds like he is keeping you in the 'just in case' pile. It's not very nice of him, even if it's unintentional.

ALaughAMinute Sun 01-Nov-15 14:33:51

If you keep seeing him it will do your head in. Get rid!

Lexia123 Sun 01-Nov-15 14:35:56

Notime- I've made this clear but he feels I'm not being truthful, and that would out pressure on him which he doesn't want. I get that he's 27, been in London a year, and loves it, and doesn't want his future decided for him. But why get a girlfriend?

Annandale- he has been so keen to be a part of my life, wanted to meet family and friends quickly and very keen to make me a part of his. Took me to Amsterdam in July because he wanted to show me his hometown etc. This man has moved heaven and earth to be part of my life- he even came to the Year 2 music festival at my school! I do think he's scared.

bjrce Sun 01-Nov-15 14:37:02

He really loves the role of "nice guy!" .
I agree with the first poster, he really is full of shit, Itsveasy to just meet up with you and spout off that rubbish.
Do the hardest thing for you, go NC with him, he will only wreak you head.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 01-Nov-15 14:41:10

Go no contact with him, he may realise what he's lost, he may not, either way, get on with your life as if he's no longer a part of it

StarkyTheDirewolf Sun 01-Nov-15 14:41:30

Disengage from him, stop trying to convince yourself that you can change yourself for him (you are willing to give the fact that you would like marriage and children) and stop letting him manipulate your feelings. Stop meeting up with him, it will do you no good.

He's told you he doesn't want to try again with you at a relationship, but has met up with you multiple times since. I did this with an ex believing that if he saw me "one more time" it would change how he felt about me and we would live happily ever after. It didn't. (I wish I'd had MN at the time.) Stop trying to make yourself happy by attempting to be what you think he wants. You deserve better.

Echoing what annandale said that if a man wants to be with you, he will be with you. If he's not with you, its because he doesn't want to be. Being scared of commitment is I think a way of saying "I don't want you, but I'm happy to keep you dangling on a back burner until I meet someone I like more" at least, that my experience of it.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time, be kind to yourself flowers

LHReturns Sun 01-Nov-15 14:45:06

Annandale is 100% right...if he wanted you he would be with you. He is a game player that enjoys keeping you hanging on. He has no intention of being with you. Jerk.

Duckdeamon Sun 01-Nov-15 14:47:11

Zero contact would be best. Move on!

bittapitta Sun 01-Nov-15 14:50:29

He's stringing you along to make himself feel better. He thinks he's convincing you he's a "nice guy". Please try to break contact/drift away from him, make it a clean break up. Before you know it he'll be with someone else, you'll think you're still friends and he'll say but why are you upset I'm with someone else, you and I aren't a couple.

LHReturns Sun 01-Nov-15 14:52:03

When (not if!) you cut him off completely, this will probably perk up his interest again (text messages, drinks invites, booty calls etc). Do NOT let him get back under your skin. The moment he thinks he has secured your attention again, this process will begin all over again.

Lexia123 Sun 01-Nov-15 14:52:39

I have been no contact for a few weeks until he messaged me to see if I wanted to meet up. It's so hard. I took myself off of social media which helped a bit, as I got too stressed by it all.

I was perfectly happy single at 27 myself, but now at 31 I realise that something is missing, and this has been the best relationship I ever had! My anxiety being hidden didn't help, but I thought he might look at me differently so I only told him last night as it explained things.

I know you can't change yourself for someone else, that's not healthy. But everybody has always said how much he loves me, and he is just not remotely the type to be a player or anything like that. He is a really good guy. I just can't understand how you can go from 100% to an about turn when the future is brought up.

LHReturns Sun 01-Nov-15 14:54:47

Exactly bittapitta! Unless you cut him completely now, the only thing that will end a hot-cold cycle from him will be when he meets someone he does actually want to be with. You will then be much more hurt and feel foolish, which you absolutely don't deserve.

LHReturns Sun 01-Nov-15 14:56:09

He asked you for a drink because you had ignored him for a few weeks. He wanted to see if he could yank your puppet strings again...

ALaughAMinute Sun 01-Nov-15 14:59:48

He's clearly very fond of you but doesn't want to commit for whatever reason. Easier said than done but you have to be strong and move on. flowers

51howdidthathappen Sun 01-Nov-15 15:12:53

Fuck with your head. No.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary Sun 01-Nov-15 15:13:58

I've been somewhere similar.
If a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you. Don't paint yourself as some star-crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet style.
If you want to give it one final go - Go NC. If he realises what he's losing, he'll be back. And don't settle for less than 100% this time.
If not, he's not worth your heartache and you will be able to get perspective and move on. How cruel of him to keep you waiting for his crumbs.
You're too nice. You're allowing yourself to be kept dangling.
Read "The Rules". You're worth 100% commitment.
Someday, you'll meet someone and be glad you ditched that jerk.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary Sun 01-Nov-15 15:16:15

OP stop making excuses for him!
Do you really want to be with a man who is so easily "scared"?

I had a whirlwind romance and then he suddenly went cold. then hot, then cold. I told him to shove it. He was with someone else within a few weeks.

lavenderhoney Sun 01-Nov-15 15:17:13

If you do meet up with him, make it short and not romantic. And tell him you don't want to be his friend, thanks. If he says all you want to hear, say, you'll think about it. No kissing and no sex. Then ignore him for a bit.

And don't travel to see him, let him sort that out. He can meet you for a coffee in your town. If he won't do that and jump at the chance to see you, even if it's for 45 mins, he can clear off.

I didn't do all the above. Pity really. I'm still caught up with him and it's draining.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary Sun 01-Nov-15 15:17:39

Are you really going to torture yourself for years with this man? What about when he has a mid-life crisis? Or job or money worries? You'll be doing 90% of the emotional work in this relationship.

You're young, it should still be easy and fun!

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