Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Shall I stay thoughtful and caring?

(28 Posts)
HPmischiefmanaged Sun 01-Nov-15 12:55:22

Hi, I'm in need of an advice and this is the problem. I've been with my husband for 6 years, we haven't got any children together (yet) but I do have two step-daughters. I always think about how to make things special for the girls and my husband. Birthdays, weekends they come over to our house, holiday, etc. For weeks now I have been planning the Christmas. Booking ice skating for the whole family, making Christmas Eve boxes for the girls and husband so we can have a special family time, cute presents from the girls to my husband (otherwise he would get nothing from them and be upset)...HOWEVER...during the week we had a big argument. My husband had a go at me for not doing enough house work, exercise and so on...even called me the c word. I was very upset as I think I'm tidying and cleaning all the time and yes I haven't done much exercise lately but I'm starting sessions with PT on Monday. That still doesn't give him any right to call me the c word. He's been very apologetic since, saying he didn't mean it, but I still cant forgive him. Now, what I need advice I still plan all the things for Christmas? On one hand it makes me feel like an idiot for trying when all he can do is to call me lazy and useless and I just want to pack all the stuff I got so far and give it to my friend for her kids. But on the other hand I think, I still do it and hopefully he'll realise how hard I've been trying and feel bad about how he treated me. What would you do? Greatful for any advice.

FredaMayor Sun 01-Nov-15 13:03:41

Don't forgive the c word, and stop doing anything you routinely do for your home or DH. He needs a wake up call.

pallasathena Sun 01-Nov-15 13:07:06

What would I do? Stop seeking his approval for starters. Number two, don't explain yourself to him. You are right to find his words impossible to forgive. He needs to do more than just apologise. Tell him a massive gesture would be acceptable such as an all expenses paid weekend away for you both without his kids.

If he doesn't agree, book one anyway and go on your own. Works like a charm in my experience and is amazingly relaxing. Absence does make the heart grow fonder and trying too hard to be the perfect partner will always end in tears with people who feel entitled to abuse you.

eddielizzard Sun 01-Nov-15 13:11:39

well i think doing lovely things for your step dc's is something to continue because it's not your fault your dh is an unappreciative arse. i bet they do appreciate your efforts! so don't take out your argument on them, which i'm sure you won't do.

but in context of your relationship with him it's hard to say without the bigger picture - do you work as well?

even so, to talk to someone like that is not on. sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect.

eddielizzard Sun 01-Nov-15 13:12:01

because it's not their fault!

PuellaEstCornelia Sun 01-Nov-15 13:22:41

In my experience, there is no point waiting for them to realise anything, you have to tell them what you are doing, and make it very clear what you expect in the way of support.
The c-word would be really hard for me to get over. Just because he's apologised, doesn't mean that you aren't still angry and can't tell him that.
Second the idea of a week end away from them all papering yourself. And let him worry about Christmas, or go without presents from his daughter!

pocketsaviour Sun 01-Nov-15 13:25:23

Wow. Unless there's some hella back story (like you had just thrown a plate of mashed potatoes over him) then he had no right whatsoever to be cursing you out like that.

Do you argue often? Has he criticised your housework efforts or fitness before, or was this a one-off? What triggered the argument?

timelytess Sun 01-Nov-15 13:29:04

Perhaps you might 'pamper' yourself. Papering yourself would probably be sticky. But it could be fun.

Take time to review all aspects of your relationship with your DH.

The stepdaughters probably won't appreciate anything you do until they have children of their own, so remember the nice things you do you are really doing for yourself, to support your own image of a happy family - that's perfectly valid and gives everyone a more pleasant experience.

HPmischiefmanaged Sun 01-Nov-15 13:46:24

Hi, yes I'm in full time employment and I also study at uni part time. In the argument he said that I just sit in chair at work. My job isn't manual, it is office work but very stressful and busy.

timelytess Sun 01-Nov-15 13:47:38

Is he perhaps a bit of a dick? Just wondering.

HPmischiefmanaged Sun 01-Nov-15 13:50:29

Thank you all for the advice. We don't argue very often, that's why I was so shocked by his words. It all started when I wanted to go to bed early because I was tired and he said I cant be tired because I don't do anything and then he just went on and on. I think about what he said and still don't understand it .
Pamper weekend sounds amazing and exactly what I need right now!!!

Ledkr Sun 01-Nov-15 14:02:16

Sorry but why is it his business whether you exercise or not?
How very odd!

Isetan Sun 01-Nov-15 14:05:42

You buy thoughtful presents on behalf of his daughters, otherwise he'd get upset! Why is it your job to appease him and does he put as much effort into his children as you do. Look Op, he takes your efforts for granted and feels entitled to point out the areas in which he thinks your failing.

Hopefully his crappy outburst is a wake up call and makes you take a long hard look at this man because I get the impression, that your generosity has masked his enormous sense of entitlement.

eddielizzard Sun 01-Nov-15 17:12:01

what an arse. ltb.

RedMapleLeaf Sun 01-Nov-15 18:09:47

Stopping the Christmas planning is not the effective way to deal with this incident.

(Personally, I don't choose to share my life with anyone who calls me names or tells me I'm lazy).

Biber Sun 01-Nov-15 18:42:21

It seems to me that there is the relationship between you and your step daughters, and the relationship between you and your husband.

The girls have not done anything to upset you, and being children would be very disappointed not to get gifts. However, getting gifts on their behalf for your husband feels like something I'd not be wanting to do after he had behaved so despicably. Why not get them gifts, clearly labelled from you only not HP and DH. Mind you, how many children read the gift tags? Any way ... having prepared gifts for them as usual, you could then give them a heads up that you will not be able to get their dad's pressie for them this year. How old are they? Can they take on board organising a gift?

As for DH ... he needs to be told very clearly just how offensive he has been. If he is truly sorry, with a reasonable explanation for why he was so volatile that night (can't think of a reasonable explanation myself, but there might be one) then perhaps a bit of understanding and willingness to move on might be in order. Otherwise it is time for serious thinking about how this relationship is going to progress. A bit of luxury 'me time' away from home sounds good to me. To give you a bit of space to think. Maybe even over Christmas, can he cook?smile smile smile

goddessofsmallthings Sun 01-Nov-15 19:04:17

cute presents from the girls to my husband (otherwise he would get nothing from them and be upset

How old are 'the girls' and why are you spending your money buying presents for them to give him when it should be their, or their dm's, place to do so? Have you had experience of him being upset because he got nothing from them and, if so, what form did his 'upset' take?

How much of the Christmas holidays will the dcs be spending with you and what are 'Christmas Eve boxes'? It's commendable that you want the dcs Christmas with you to be special, but what effort is your h making to ensure that his dds have an enjoyable time? Has he booked tickets to a panto or similar and bought/ordered presents for them?

Does your h do his fair share of cooking, cleaning etc and how often does he go to a gym? Does he work full time and is he also studying p/t at uni?

hopefully he'll realise how hard I've been trying and feel bad about how he treated me It seems to me that the more you do for this man, the less likely it is that he's going to appreciate your efforts and feel sorry for the way he spoke to you. In calling you a cunt your h has made it clear what he thinks of you and that level of disrespect is something I doubt any dw would forgive or forget easily.

As advised above book yourself a weekend away, or take yourself off to stay with friends/family, and make it one when the dcs will be visiting so that he can cook/entertain and otherwise amuse them - have your case packed and don't tell him of your plan until just before they arrive, otherwise I suspect he'll re-arrange their contact time.

If you don't make a stand now it's probable that he'll continue in the same vein and take everything you do for him and for his dds for granted. Going away without him may give him the wake up call he needs, but if not it will at least serve to boost your self-respect and sense of self-worth.

ALaughAMinute Sun 01-Nov-15 19:11:09

Stay thoughtful and caring for the sake of the children but give him a wide berth. Let him know that under no circumstances is he ever allowed to talk to you like that again.

If you want the relationship to work with you will have to sort out your domestic problems and put some ground rules in place. Is he worth it? Is he the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? Only you can decide.

StopTittingAbout Sun 01-Nov-15 19:12:39

So you both work full time, and on top of that you study part-time, but he thinks it's your job to do the housework?

Why does he think you owe it to him to do exercise?! It's none of his fucking business? Does he go to the gym for you personally, is this some kind of reciprocal arrangement? What the fuck? Please DO NOT have children with him.

If you are going to leave (do!) don't arrange Xmas. If, for some unfathomable reason, you decide to stay and play maid to this awful git, then you might as well carry on arranging Xmas - you'll only be upset when he tells you off for not doing it, even though it's more his job than yours.

I'd tell him to get to fuck. He can do his own housework, mind his own business about the gym, and arrange thoughtful stuff for his own kids, the self absorbed prick.

TheDowagerCuntess Sun 01-Nov-15 19:12:51

Who are these men? And how on earth do they manage to get such lovely wives and girlfriends?

Anybody that calls you a cunt needs to be exiled from your life immediately, if not sooner.

This is not normal, and it's not acceptable. You do not have to put up with this. There are better men out there - plenty of them.


amarmai Sun 01-Nov-15 19:23:53

op you are in full time employment and part time at uni , plus maintaining the household for him and his dds. He says you are a c--- and do nothing ?? Since you clearly carry your weight and more, i expect you are paying for at least 1/2 of the household expenses- prob more as that seems to be par for the course for step mums. I imagine you are also doing the shopping and cooking and cleaning up thereof? Do you also pay for the necessaries for eating and running the household? He has a sexual partner, a cook, a cleaner, a step mother,a servant, an employed person who pays at least 1/2 of the expenses and he calls you a c--- because you are tired and need to rest , but apparently you have not tidied up to his expectations so you are a c---? He sees his huge error and tries to backpedal, but he has exposed his thinking and you will not forget what you have learned. IME people do not feel grateful for whatever you give or do for them for nothing. My advice is LTB. asap.

BathtimeFunkster Sun 01-Nov-15 19:41:14

Never, ever have children with this prick.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Nov-15 19:45:25

I wouldn't tolerate someone talking to me like that. It's a sackable offence, in my opinion.

LetGoOrBeDragged Sun 01-Nov-15 19:53:41

I don't agree that a massive gesture from him will put this right - it says that spending money on you excuses him treating you like shit the rest of the time. It puts me in mind of those men who buy a piece of jewellery for their wives everytime they get caught playing away. He can't buy himself out of this.

I think you should continue to buy nice presents for your dsd. It's not their fault. I think you jeed to stop going above and beyond to make his life nice - he's not doing any of that for you! So you start by not buying him gifts from the girls. You continue by not going ahead with booking happy family activities. These are his kids and he should be making arrangements for them. You also stop doing all the little wifework jobs that he benefits from. He won't appreciate anything you do for him until you stop doing them!

Then you tell him that you are drawing a line in the sand - if he calls you a cunt again, the next conversation he has will be with your divorce solicitor. Mind, only threaten to ltb if you will actually do it. Nothing worse than an empty threat.

TheDowagerCuntess Sun 01-Nov-15 19:57:47

LetGo - that sounds an awful lot like training him to be well behaved.

He's a grown man. With children. Either he's a decent human being, or he's not.

It's not the OP's job to mold him into a passable speciman. This is who he is. He's telling her and showing her who he is. She either accepts him, or moves on to someone more deserving of her time and her love.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: