Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Your perspective on a re-occuring argument please.

(80 Posts)
stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:12:52

I've posted on here once or twice asking for advise etc and I'm please to say on the whole my relationship with my partner has been much better recently.

I just want to know if people think I've been unreasonable tonight and if so how I can go about stopping this from happening again in the future.

I come home from work in a good mood, exited to spend the Halloween evening indoors with my partner. When I got home I tried to sit close to her on the settee and she moaned, saying that I was trying to fit into a space that didn't exist and that I'd make her uncomfortable, no problem I just sit on the other side near her. She's distant with me and looks upset about something, I ask if anything is wrong and she says she has a headache. I give her a cuddle to which she doesn't give back so I try to make conversation with her, she clearly couldn't be bothered to talk, gives one word answers and stares blindly into space. I got up and made us some dinner and we sat at the kitchen table to eat. Again I try to make conversation but after that fails we basically sit in silence. I ask her if she's sure everything is ok and she starts getting mad at me, says she can't be bothered with anyone right now because she's not well, states she can't even be bothered with herself. It obviously really bugs her when I ask her if she's ok.

I find it really hard not to take this personally because she cuts off all emotional contact with me when in this sort of mood. We've ended up having a big row because she states I'm being unreasonable for turning this into something about myself.

I don't want to turn this into something about myself. I'm not asking her for attention, I'm just asking for her not to distance herself from me and cut off all emotional contact. She's made me feel like I'm not normal for this behaviour and that I should understand she just can't be bothered because shes not well. Thing is she expects me to be around and be supportive of her but its hard when I feel like she'd rather I wasn't there.

I just don't know how to act when she's in this sort of mood, if I give her space she will get angry and say I'm being funny with her, if I try to talk it out that makes it even worse.

Reading this back I realize it makes me look clingy and annoying, I just don't feel like it's unreasonable to ask her not to cut me out completely. Instead of her being concerned that it makes me feel this way it makes her angry and that bothers me. If the shoe was on the other foot I'd simply reassure her that everything was ok, give her a quick kiss and tell her not to worry.

Am I at fault here?

YouAreMyRain Sat 31-Oct-15 21:16:07

I haven't read any of your previous posts but the fact that she says she "can't be bothered with herself" rings alarm bells for depression IME. Could she be depressed?

MorrisZapp Sat 31-Oct-15 21:18:09

Well she can't have it both ways. If she's going to be withdrawn and touchy then best leave the room or sit on the other sofa or whatever until she's in a mood to be social.

Have to say moodiness is my pet hate. I get that people sometimes want to be alone, but they should say so nicely instead of grumping then saying there's nothing wrong. Fucking tedious behaviour.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Sat 31-Oct-15 21:22:05

Was there any back story to why she was off with you? It feels like there's something missing from your account. If you really can't identify anything, such as an earlier disagreement then I agree with Morris - if you're so unwell you can't interact with other people, go and lie down. Don't take out bad moods on others.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:30:09

I haven't read your previous posts.

I dont think you are being clingy. What has stayed with me is her saying that she can't be bothered as not well. Do you know what that means. If this is depression, people can be irritable....

If she is not opening up just yet, how about leaving her a note saying that you are worried and ready to listen at any time?

imwithspud Sat 31-Oct-15 21:30:11

No you're not at fault, but at the same time if she's depressed, which it sounds like she might be (although I obviously can't say for sure) then she probably doesn't realise how she's making you feel.

Is this a regular thing? Maybe it's something she needs to see her gp about. She seems aware that something isn't right as she states she's not well, it's a possibility that she may be scared to confront her issues and might need a gentle nudge in the right direction. Not that it's right that she's shunning you like she is, but it might help to try and understand why she is being like this and then going from there.

stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:38:11

Thanks for the replies.

I'm sat upstairs now and I've text her basically explaining everything I've said in this thread. This was her reply

"I told you I wanted to watch a film after tea so you can piss off trying to make me feel bad for not feeling well just because you weren't getting the attention you want. Enjoy your night on your own".

This is now escalating because I feel like that reply is unfair. I'm now in a position where I'll basically spend the night alone unless I go and apologize but I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I don't appreciate being swore at very much either.

Most of the time we have a great relationship, she is normally sweet, loving, kind and very understanding but once every month or so something like this will happen and it really bothers me.

NotEmptyNow Sat 31-Oct-15 21:38:24

Is this a short term physical illness you're talking about? I don't like people touching me I'm feeling unwell so can kind of understand her prickliness to a certain extent.

stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:42:57

I'm sure she's not depressed but she does get very stressed about things and the stress brings out the worst in her sometimes. She has a 5 year old boy who I am basically a stepdad too but he is not here tonight, he's at his dads house. Tonight was supposed to be our night, hence why I'm upset about this.

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 21:44:00

She doesn't suffer from PMS or something similar?
Saying once a month makes my man brain jump straight to period issues and I'm very sorry about it.

stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:44:47

She has a headache tonight, that's literally all that's wrong with her. During dinner she also said it was pretty much gone.

stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:46:04

It's not really her time of the month either @seeyounearertime

She does get grumpy while she's hormonal but she's managed it better recently.

BertPuttocks Sat 31-Oct-15 21:47:06

You asked her if she was okay and she told you that she had a headache.

I think I would've left her in peace at that point rather than keep trying to make conversation. And if she'd already told you how she was, I don't understand why you would ask her the same question again.

She then told you again that she was unwell and you have a row? confused

Perhaps agree on what she would prefer you to do the next time she has a headache/is unwell. Some people want to be made a fuss of. Others just want to be left alone.

stepdad85 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:52:16

I do know it was wrong of me to keep mentioning it and I know that must be annoying. The thing is if I'd just left her to it and did my own thing I know that would be a problem for her too.

Maybe I'm selfish but I don't really want to spend my one night off this week sitting in silence next to her because she wants to keep me at arms reach but not interact with me.

AshleyWilkes Sat 31-Oct-15 21:54:33

I have depression and anxiety, severe mood swings, and I make my husband's life a misery sometimes. Reading your post was like looking at my own behaviour, the scenarios that go on in our house sometimes, unfortunately.

Are you 100% positive she doesn't suffer with depression? On any medication that has side effects which causes mood swings etc?

When she said she is unwell, did she mean she physically feels ill, like a cold/flu /upset tummy?

imwithspud Sat 31-Oct-15 21:58:47

Depression can manifest itself in many ways, I wouldn't rule it out completely.

I know you say it's your only night off this week and it's really rubbish that it's turned out the way it has but I would leave things for now and maybe talk tomorrow when your partner has had time to reflect and will hopefully be in a better mood.

BertPuttocks Sat 31-Oct-15 22:00:30

"The thing is if I'd just left her to it and did my own thing I know that would be a problem for her too."

All the more reason for you to both talk about this when she's feeling better. That way you at least have the back-up of "We agreed that if you felt unwell that I/we would do this."

It doesn't sound like a nice atmosphere for either of you.

Joysmum Sat 31-Oct-15 22:20:57

I like to be left alone when I'm not well too. DH likes to feel cared for.

We both know that of each other. He'll ask if I need a drink or pills but otherwise give me space.

I'll fuss him as I would our daughter as that's what he likes.

It took him a while to understand that he shouldn't do for me what he'd like for himself. Likewise I realized that what he did for me is a mirror of what he'd like for himself when he's unwell.

She needs to understand that it's obvious to her what she's saying, but it's not to you. Having a headache could prompt either way of dealing with it in our house so she's not being clear.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 01-Nov-15 00:34:56

Her 5 year old son is away for the night with her ex.

When you got home she seemed anxious and upset about something.

And you have no idea why she might be feeling depressed tonight. Really?!

What a disappointment for you that she's feeling down. You were in a brilliant mood. Her child is gone! You get an evening to yourselves! Why wouldn't she be in a great mood? Um, because she loves her child and is worried about him at his dads? Presumably they didn't split up because he's a brilliant bloke.

You didn't even mention the child until several posts down.

You sound awfully self-centred.

She wanted to watch a film after dinner, which sounds like a great way to take her mind off anxiousness about the child. She told you that but no, you want a deep discussion by text about why she isn't happy tonight. Christ on a bike.

No wonder she has a headache.

stepdad85 Sun 01-Nov-15 01:17:48

Wow @run rabbit run. How incredibly judgmental of you. My partner has no concerns about her child stopping at his father's and I've done absolutely everything to support him, emotionally and financially since I moved in here. The reason I didn't mention him until later was because he is not relevant to this current situation. You're the unbelievable one, what a nasty piece of work.

Shutthatdoor Sun 01-Nov-15 01:22:08

runrabbit There was really no need to 'attack' the OP like that at all!

There is nothing in their posts that makes them sound 'self centred' if anything it is the DW that is!

kittybiscuits Sun 01-Nov-15 07:08:03


magiccatlitter Sun 01-Nov-15 07:27:18

I've read your other posts about this same issue.

You may not realise you're doing it but you seem to want to pester her until she reacts.

When she told you she had a headache you kept it up trying to talk to her. When I have a headache I don't want talk to anyone.

Is there any reason you didn't just leave her alone and went about your business doing something else?

ALaughAMinute Sun 01-Nov-15 07:35:41

You sound very needy. Try giving her some space.

Northernparent68 Sun 01-Nov-15 09:18:37

Whether she is depressed or not her behaviour is unacceptable, moodiness and withdrawing of affection is a form of emotional abuse.

If I were you OP I would think seriously if this relationship is viable, my mother behaved like your partner and it ruined our childhood, what ever my father did it was right or good enough. Do not end up leading a life like his.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now