Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I stop being overcome by fear?

(22 Posts)
Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:48:21

I have posted before... I'm separated and though I have never withheld it, I am being fought for child contact for DC. Essentially, DH had disappeared, not really too bothered when around yet is now wanting a lot more contact to DC who is very little. My relationship with him was emotionally abusive. He is the best manipulator and liar I have ever met. He is very charismatic and makes people feel extremely sorry for him. He is 'amazing' to those around him. They have not seen the anger or suffered the abuse I have or witnessed the sort of father he is.

I am so fearful of him and I do not know how to overcome it. I see a message from him and I panic. I have to think carefully about what to say. I feel very weak and I am always scared. I feel like he is always judging me and always taking everything I say/do on board to use against me in the future. He manipulates. He makes up stories. He never gets caught out. How do I overcome my fear?

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 20:53:16

I think we have the same Ex! I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. How much contact is he wanting? x

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:55:25

Really? How are you dealing with him?! Every weekend, half hols. DC is little.

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 21:03:25

DC is little?? Then withdraw contact, move. Somehow.

I'm serious. He will be a terrible father, very damaging for your DC.

Is your fear bcs you have to keep seeing him? Two birds with one stone then.

I am deadly serious.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 21:03:44

Yep! Things aren't so bad now as I stand up to him. Is it going to court? Have you stood your ground with him? Have you stuck by your wishes and told him what you want repeatedly? Can he not compromise, why should he have your DC every weekend, that's unfair.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:22:59

Springdaffs, how do I do that? My understanding is that he can be absent, a criminal etc etc but still DC sees him! If I withdraw contact, I'm in trouble. Your opinion of him is accurate. I'm so heartbroken that DC may be affected.

He has not given me the opportunity to speak. Through solicitors. May go to court I guess. I'm petrified. I don't know how to gain the courage to stand up and not feel

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 21:25:53

Is there any way you can record him? It stops you thinking you're going mad and it's evidence of his true personality. Awful situation. I'm so sorry for you.

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 21:29:06

What are you scared about? What do you think he'll do if you stand up to him?

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:32:54

He argues and shouts. I fear he will 'retaliate' and get to me via DC. Is recording illegal?

loveyoutothemoon Sat 31-Oct-15 21:37:03

What does he say if you come up with a compromise? Does he not reason with you in the slightest?

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 21:37:37

I think one of the lawyers can give you good advice on the legality of it, but actually I think I'd do it so that I didn't think I was going mad.

Aussiemum78 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:42:51

You need to disengage from him. No contact, messages unless it's about Dc.

Getting a custody order or agreement is key. Then he has set times to see them (not every weekend) and you don't need to arrange it with him every time.

Don't engage on any other topic. It will be hard at first to "disobey" but just keep ignoring other messages or saying I'm not prepared to discuss that with you.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:52:17

We only message about DC and that's enough to instill fear

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 21:57:05

Well. It's a good start to recognise he is NOT good for your DC. That's a start. None of this 'kids need father's/I must hang on a cross for their sake'.

Yy kids need fathers - but they don't need abusive cunts who use the children to abuse their mothers. That's not a father.

Is he the biological father? Were you married? Is he on the birth certificate? Talk to Women's Aid, get them onside. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do it NOW if not.

My turning point came at a WA DV support group (now defunct angry ) and, although we all shook with fear and trauma so the coffee table was awash with spilt drinks we shook so much, we ALWAYS ended up laughing and laughing, crying with laughter and derision at our fuckhead,stupid, absurd, thick abusers. Every week we'd arrive in a mess, crying - and every week we'd end up crying with laughter.

Bcs abusers are so stupid. So nonsensical. They're little tinpot generals all puffed up with ridiculousness.

I'm trying to remember something we laughed at and the only thing I can remember is the time he took DC out for school shoes and, I kid you not, he must have texted me 20+ times with endless stupid questions. Sounds small eh. We laughed at his idiocy, his blatant attempts to beleaguer me and wear me down. (If anyone is saying 'but he bought the kids school shoes! Couldn't have been that bad a father!' - he got the shoes bcs at that stage he wouldn't let me have any money to buy them myself. He was extremely rich and he starved me of cash, I was extremely poor.)

So I suppose the turning point for me was contempt, my contempt for him. I saw he was a measly little man, a stump of a thing.

So, back to contact: why is he seeing DC every weekend? Who has decided that? Is there a legal schedule in place? Or does he call all the shots. Stop that if so.

Ultimately, as he is poison to your DC (in all ways, not just some ways), drag your feet over every area of access. Don't be compliant 'for the sake of the children' bcs that is misguided: it is not for the good of the children but for the harm of the children, so don't do it. If you are worried about money, him not giving you maintenance (to punish you) then face that and live another way financially. Of course he should pay maintenance but at what cost? The cost is too high. Better to cut off that avenue of abuse by finding another way to get by. Frankly, a shed is better than the immense toll abusers put on one, the extremely high cost to ourselves and our children.

Cut off every avenue of potential abuse. Find a way. Remember, he's a grotesque little thing, no use to man or beast.

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 22:12:58

Love your post springydaffs. It's every other weekend at mo... He wants every weekend. I totally agree.... Apparently it's 'best for DC to have a relationship with their fathers'. Really?!?!?! So it's ok if he possibly goes AWOL later and at a tiny age going to another place to stay the night even though DC was even younger when we split that DC has no recollection of living with him. I'm told that a court will not penalise him. Springy daffs, I'm happy for him to give nothing if it means that it's DC and me and no rubbish father

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 22:18:35

Just a thought Homely but is there anyway you could have him communicate through a third party? Like a solicitor if your facing court or even your parents? His parents? A friend?

Id even suggesting taking that further and having a trusted third party pick up DC and drop off DC? If that's at all possible?

I hope things improve though.

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 22:36:03

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Homely1 Sat 31-Oct-15 22:45:41

I haven't springy. Should I? Will it make me look week in court?

Seeyou, his family are awful... They will stick by him even if he were a murderer!

springydaffs Sat 31-Oct-15 23:35:11

Weak in court??? What are you talking about? What do you actually mean? Genuine q.

No wonder you feel so powerless, literally at the mercy of 'powers' - the slug, the courts - you have had no support or info.

DO THE FREEDOM PROGRAMME ASAP. Sorry to shout but it's the absolute first port of call. Knowledge is power, it will open your eyes BIG time. You'll meet others in your position - all lovely, ordinary woman. It is a completely confidential course, none need know you are attending. Though tbf it would make your case stronger that you are attending a DV support group.

Google Freedom Programme, click 'find a course' to find a course near you, email the facilitator. Do it now or tomorrow morning, or tomorrow afternoon, or tomorrow evening.. wink

I take it you've read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? Do order it today if you have the £, or order it at the library, of get it from Women's Aid or the Freedom Programme.

What work have you actually done so far re domestic abuse?

Homely1 Sun 01-Nov-15 07:38:09

Thank you.. Thought it may show that I am weak as I would be classed as mentally upset.

I haven't done any work so far ...

springydaffs Sun 01-Nov-15 15:57:48

No time like the present then wink

Once you find out more your fear will dramatically decrease. This is one situation where knowledge really is power.

Keep going lovely. The time will come when you see him for the slug he is and you'll wonder why you were frightened of him - rather like we grew out of being afraid of the bogey under the bed... And that was a big fear at the time!

I'm not minimising the fear - I know ALL about the fear, believe me - but I also now know he is a toothless, pathetic bully. They train us in fear - but you'll find out all about that on the Freedom Programme which you have enrolled on xx

Homely1 Sun 01-Nov-15 22:54:23

Thank you... I'm looking for my nearest

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: