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I find friendships hard due to my EA parents

(6 Posts)
TessaLation Sat 31-Oct-15 20:11:01

Does anyone else who has had an EA childhood find friendships hard?

I never had the case of home being a 'haven' where I could be myself and be loved unconditionally, so have always, even as a child, found it hard to build friendships. People never take to me. I don't think I ever got the opportunity to develop my own personality.

There is also the thing that my parents never liked me having friends and I used to get more abuse if I got on well with anyone. They would also say that one day everyone would find out what I was really like and hate me.

I guess I have always felt that I could never get the basics right of my family liking me so I must be unlikeable?

I have a couple of good friends but I think I always hold back in friendships because I have this weird sense of guilt and also know knowledge in myself that I am 'ok'

Sorry if this doesn't make sense

Seeyounearertime Sat 31-Oct-15 20:38:17

Didn't want to read and run but not much I can offer in support other than to say I find friendships impossible and I didn't suffer any abuse during my childhood.

You say you have a couple of good friends? You must be doing something right. Besides. Isn't it better to have 2 good friends than having endless bad one? Just a thought grin

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 31-Oct-15 20:44:58

It makes sense to me, Tessa, sad to say. But if you have a couple of good friends, then you are ahead of me! (Dh and dsis are my two...if they count?!)

Imho, it is about making connections with people and then the fellowship/companionship flows naturally from that. But just connecting with people...I find so hard. It isn't a personal pity party; it is recognition in the garish light of day of being a misfit (as in not fitting in).

I think it is something that is taught, demonstrated, and nurtured by parents. As the invisible child growing up, the die was cast and is hard to overcome that. No matter how many clubs I join, classes I take, years of counselling, books read, etc, following all the directions, I feel I am still forcing a square peg in a round hole. It is frustrating.

Then at some point, I forgave myself for being me and well, I am all I have to work with so make the best of it. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy doing my own thing. I like myself.

I am sorry you had crap parents. But that doesn't necessarily have to define you. As an adult, you can carve/develope your own identity.

hellowinter Sun 01-Nov-15 00:07:59

Hello Tessa I don't really have much advice but I just wanted to add that I too feel exactly the same as you. I had emotionally abusive parents too and its definitely left it's mark. I find it hard to be myself and often don't even.know who I am a lot of the time.Be kind to yourself - remember the stuff your parents fed to you were LIES. Nothing based on the truth, their motivation was based on power and control. Don't beat yourself up you can learn to love yourself again just focus on you and your needs. No doubt you spent most of your life putting your parents first but this doesn't have to be the case anymore.

springydaffs Sun 01-Nov-15 00:18:05

flowers Tessa

(T-shirt)

Booyaka Sun 01-Nov-15 00:28:16

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. But it's become a lot easier since I became older. I found that I either tried to please people too much, was paranoid about people's motives, anxious about friendships or just too intense or overkeen. As I've got older I've stopped giving a shit too much and that has improved the situation a lot. The less you want people to like you, the more it seems they do.

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